How do you deal with bad news?

[SmockAndBeret]

Had some bad and worrying news a few hours ago. My DD (age 27) has cancer.
I’m not sure what to do with my hands or my mind. I can’t stop panicking. Try to put it to the back of my mind for a time as I can’t do anything about it, but then it suddenly roars at me. I’m feeling absolutely knocked sideways.
How do you find the strength to stay normal, focused and healthy in such situations? I need to be strong to support her.

Sending you lots of love @SmockAndBeret 💐

I would try to go for a walk, even if it's just around the block and if I had a pet, (cat for me) I'd cuddle them tightly.

@SmockAndBeret I am so, so sorry to hear your news. As hard as it is try to stay away from google, none of the stories on there will be specific to your daughter.

To try to calm your mind a bit you could try something like building a Lego set, doing a step by step craft project or following a slightly complicated recipe. Basically something that gives you step by step instructions to follow so that you don’t have to think for yourself for a bit. Lego sets or similar could also be good for your daughter, my FIL and mum both found them helpful to take their mind off of their treatments.

Sending you a hug. I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.

Of course you can’t put it to the back of your mind. I wouldn’t even try. I would take something to sleep tonight and hold off google till after her appointment and you have more information. Then I would google like mad and be on a mission to get as much wider info as possible and to get her the very best treatment. I am thinking of you x

Be her ears at the consultant appointment. It's a lot for your daughter to take in.

I’m so sorry for your bad news OP .
Sending love to you and your family xx

I am so sorry about your news @SmockAndBeret and wish you / DH and your daughter all the best.

I’m a terribly practical person and tend to go into planning overdrive. What do I need to or can I do - I’d probably start thinking about questions to ask the consultant, planning what I’d do in various scenarios to support once the course of action is known, where to get support, etc.

However, I’d then probably also get to a stage where I’d lay in bed crying my eyes out.

Whatever happens, please also make sure you look after yourself - for me it’s long walks that take my mind of things, but it’s obviously very different for everyone.
And allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling and to be weak at times - it’s impossible to always be strong x

I’m sorry to hear your news. What a shock. I think however you are reacting now on the immediate aftermath sounds completely to be expected. There will be time in the days and weeks ahead to think about the practicalities more. Wishing your family all the best

Thanks for the further posts. I do appreciate all the good wishes and advice.
DD had appointment with her consultant yesterday. She’s going to have a PET scan in a couple of weeks (check metastasis) then regardless of what that shows is having surgery sometime at the beginning of February. The surgery is huge. It’s unimaginable.
She’s resting now before all this. We’re trying to think of what to do to help. And how to cope with this ourselves.

@Wishingforwhatshouldhavebeen she liked the idea of Lego! She’ll be pursuing crafts, study, games and other sedentary things now and post-op as she’ll have months of recuperation.

Not sure what I want by adding to this thread. I can’t talk to DH, or anyone else without crying. We still don’t know the grade or stage of cancer.

I’ve joined a few facebook groups in relation to health issues (mine and family members) and they have been invaluable for providing advice on what to expect, procedures, experiences and general support.
Hearing personal experiences was so informative and I felt I was able to give my DM better support with her cancer treatment.
I kindly suggest you do the same. The groups support family as well as patients and it would be an ideal place to vent. Sometimes the biggest support comes from strangers.
I hope they give you comfort and understanding 💐

You focus on the practical aspects, I think (she may need help with transport benefits, legal etc) because then you have both the satisfaction and distraction of actually doing something. This is probably one of those times where a stiff upper lip is appropriate. I remember my MIL telling me that, at a tough time, she had two choices - either to fall apart or to get on with it. So she got on with it. People are tougher than they realise.

I am so very sorry too OP. My colleagues Daughter was diagnosed with ovarian cancer at 23 a few years ago. She left work that day and took months and months off to be with her, I don't think she left her side whilst she was having treatment. I think we all deal with bad news in different ways - denial, shock, anger etc. Try and take each day as it comes because at the moment that is all you can do. I would certainly try and reach out to support groups if you feel they would help.

Sending lots of love to your family for the days ahead

Take one day at a time, and just be with her, and there for her. .

Best wishes. 🌺

Extremely sorry to hear this what symptoms did she have Has it come out of the blue?

Totally understand where you are coming from. We still don't know the stage or grade of my dh's bowel tumour, nor if its definitely cancerous or pre-cancerous. Although it's sounding unlikely to be benign, given how urgently they have fast tracked him for all the tests. But it would be nice to have it confirmed either way!

Not exactly out of the blue @pinkypoo8 in that she had a bad knee for a while. It was thought to be down to overtraining. Finally had a private MRI because NHS wait too long and physiotherapy not working. It was first diagnosed as a benign tumour in the femur but bone biopsy showed it was cancerous - chondrosarcoma.
It’s large so been growing a long time, so I’m terrified at the possible extent of metastasis.😞

Thanks for your further messages, folks. Support groups are a good idea, hadn’t thought of that. I’m not much of a social media person but I could set up a Facebook account.

It’s agonising waiting for the tests isn’t it, @Meredusoleil ? Even on the fast track pathway. Wishing you both strength 💐

My dh has had all the tests now apparently. We are just waiting for the results. He has a hospital appointment tomorrow, so I'm hoping we will find out then 🤞

i am so sorry, you must be devastated as your husband must be too. when you have seen the consultant you will know more what options there are and what treatments, then you can plan what your dd needs from you.
it is good she has a supportive partner.
you will probably be introduced to a Macmillan nurse they are really good in so many ways do take what she offers
good luck xx

I was with my Dad through his cancer journey, and there were quite a few times when I cried during medical appointments with him even though I tried desperately not to. But I'm glad in hindsight that I did because I hope he knew how much I loved him. You can fall apart at the seams and still be the person that your DD can lean on

I’m so sorry, this must be really difficult for you.

I’m a bit older than your daughter but I had a cancer diagnosis in the summer. The things which my parents did which were helpful were offer to host Christmas so i didn’t need to think about it; cooked some soup and easy meals for my freezer; had me to stay for a couple of weeks after my surgery so that I could rest. They also drove me to each chemo and visited the next day which felt really supportive.

The really unhelpful things which they did were try to take over and tell me what I could/couldn’t do even though I was following medical recommendations; try to force me to send my kids to stay with them even though I repeatedly said no; challenged a lot of my decisions and tried to blame my diagnosis on x,y,z. Done out of love but added a layer of stress I didn’t need!

Good luck and wishes to your daughter, treatment is very good nowadays.

Its hard, you can't think of anything else, but it's all consuming. Obviously you can try and help her by doing whatever you can, whether it's a message/phone call or personal visit to support her. At the same time, look after yourself and do normal things in life - and try to enjoy and not don't feel guilty.

Going through it myself here. DH has had a brain hemorrhage - they're holding off surgery in hope it drains. In some ways he's been better this week, but in others he's started to struggle. I totally want to be and will be there for him, but need to after myself by doing some simple positive things in life.

Thanks, and wishing you and your DH all the best @Sunnyside4

Honestly, fuck cancer. Your poor DD, and poor you. I'm so sorry she is having to go through this, and you too.

Having accompanied someone very close to me through the cancer journey a few years ago, I would say remember to look after yourself. Because it also helps you look after them.

I started writing/journalling. I went to my lovely GP for a cry when I needed to, and she gave me some meds too. And I tried so hard to just live in the moment. And to switch off. I binge watched a lot of junky netflix.

Do what you need to do. Whatever it is, if you can do it, just do it.

I've just see this thread. My DD has bone cancer and when she was diagnosed aged 18 I privately cried solidly all night but was brave in front of her.

The Bone Cancer Rearch Trust and Sarcoma UK are fantastic charities for support with these rare cancers for parents, patients and families.

You never expect you hear your child has cancer and shock and horror are indescribable.

It’s hard isn’t it ❤️

Am so sorry your DD is going through this.

DS1 (28) was dx in June 2022 with a Glioblastoma. Luckily for us he still lived at home so we were able to watch him like a hawk and I was able to fuss over him, he always joked that I made it about me. I don’t know what I would have done had he lived with his long term girlfriend. I reckon I would have had to move in with them! DS coped a lot better than I did. He had his first craniotomy a week after dx, second craniotomy April 2024.

Sadly my boy passed away June 2025.

Sending love to you all xx