how to not tell friends we have debt and decline all expensive socials but still see friends as if nothing is wrong ?

[toxicwaster1001]

NC
its more my friends who want to do all the expensive things .. brunches, dinners out, spa weekend ..

how do I say no to all these things to save me spending ? my friends have no idea we are in debt and I do no want to tell them. I cannot keep making excuses/not going to every social.

In the past I've simply said ' sorry we are saving atm so tightening the purse strings or sorry we simply haven't got the funds atm'
A true friend won't care

Many years ago, when in your position and also shy about admitting it, we said we were making a shift in spending as we were afraid of a recession. All "fun money" would be saved. Elegant!

Well, most of our friends joined us quite quickly, so we presumed/assumed that more were in our position than cared to admit.

Interestingly enough, no one went back to pre debt spending. All the families recalibrated spending, and I would say, all feel better for it.

Good luck. No matter how anyone reacts, you will never regret tackling debt.

if you don’t want to tell them the real reason, whatever reason you give doesn’t matter as long as you’re firm. Choose something, stick with it and get on with changing the debt situation - good luck.

If you can't tell your friends that you're skint when you're skint are they really your friends?

I mean this in a way of "nah, I'm skint, will give it a miss" or "I'm skint let's meet at the park instead"

Definitely not in the expectation they would contribute financially.

Edited: as I am finishing the mulled wine off.

You could just say that you are spending the next 6-12 months getting your finances back into shape for the longer term.

One option might be to get in first with some free invites. Could you message everyone and offer coffee at yours on a Sunday afternoon? Or a walk or a park run or something like that?

That way you’ve seen everyone and won’t feel so bad about turning down dinners?

Essentially the mindset to have is to think what do I/we really value spending my/our money on?

If you love going on spas, but are budgeting, then find a way to do a cheap spa, or a home spa evening etc. If you love dinners with friends, make a big one pot from a posh cookbook. If you love new experiences, get creative. Take a flask and homemade cake to the National Trust. Or if you love a posh spa, save up and go less often.

Also sign all your friends up to Rebel Finance School free course.

As others have said, just declare you are cutting back this year but would still love to see them for cheaper social events.

Ideas for cheap things to do that maybe you could start up to replace expensive activities-
Monthly book group at someone's house, each person can bring a snack or a drink.

Meet for walk or a wild swim (when the weather warms up).
A walking challenge e.g. sections of the coast path or a nearby inland walk.
For both the outdoors ones you can take your own flask of coffee and things like homemade flapjack are cheap to make.

then i get pride etc but if you truly value your friends and they value you, then be honest and say your paying off debts etc, who knows they may offer to cover you for the meal etc

I don't get it. Surely there's a wide gap between "we're trying to save money/cut back" (insert 'for whatever reason' here if needed or just leave as is) and 'We're hugely in debt.'

The first is a completely normal thing to say that pretty much all my friends have said at one point or another and in no way led me to assume it was because of the second.

Say youve got a big tax bill due in April 🤷‍♀️ if you say you’re saving up for something or paying off the house they won’t respect that.