how to not tell friends we have debt and decline all expensive socials but still see friends as if nothing is wrong ?

[toxicwaster1001]

NC
its more my friends who want to do all the expensive things .. brunches, dinners out, spa weekend ..

how do I say no to all these things to save me spending ? my friends have no idea we are in debt and I do no want to tell them. I cannot keep making excuses/not going to every social.

Can't you just say that you are saving up? For a holiday or house renovations or something?

Can’t you say you’re budgeting rather than in debt and suggest cheaper things to do? Since splitting with my ex my friends now know I can’t afford stuff and have been gracious about doing cheaper things

Tell them your New Years Resolution is to do a no spend/saving challenge. If you really want to get into the story there's bound one on Insta or FB that you can say you are following, and share on your socials

I think it would be better to be partly honest and say you are cutting back in spending so will sit out X but would they like to do Y next week/month. Otherwise they might naturally stop inviting you as much if they think you aren't keen.

They’re your friends. Just tell them you can’t afford it. If you don’t, it really will just look like you don’t want to spend time with them and will end with a fall out.

You can tell the truth, but just omit the debt part. This is by far the best way.
"We can't afford to do these things all the time. I can do a couple per year, but I'll have to bow out of the rest. I'll organise some cheaper meet-ups!"

If you want to lie, there are lots of things you can think of I'm sure. We're giving £1000 a month to support starving donkeys? We're putting it all into pensions as we have really neglected them?

But lying is a terrible thing for relationships of any kind. Friends who can't handle the truth are not worth keeping.

Why not just say you’re cutting back and trying to pay off mortgage early or retire early? Suggest some free or cheap things to do.

Your friends won't be blinkered to the cost of living increases or people re-evaluating their spending habits.

Simply say you are redirecting your spending this year so will be budgeting for less expensive social events so will not make it to all meet ups.

You could invite them to yours for drinks, films/sports, game nights, BBQ or similar to keep up the contact. You would need to have a balance of BYOB or pot luck supper so you're not hosting/catering each time.

I think without being completely honest - ie you are in debt - you could very well say we have a budget , for reasons , so will do some things not others. No-one needs to know why the budget. A friend of mine who did this once said to me - I'd like to go out but could we go Dutch - so she spent what she could afford but we still went out. She had very scant money & that was OK. I offered to pay ( we are talking coffees / drinks here , not spa days ) but she would rather pay her own way . I think it would be perfectly OK to say I'll bow out of this one but please let me know about the next thing. I do understand you might not want to tell people but really good friends won't care and will understand. It may be that they have bowed out of other things to afford the spa days etc - you don't know.

Anyway - don't feel bad and best wishes to you 💐

Don’t mention the debt but just say money is tight

They might also be in debt but keeping up the charade in fear of the reaction.

I too would go by truth via omition. So say you are on a budget (not wrong) this year.

If you want to justify the budget. You have the perfect cover if pressed - Cost of living, wanting to save up for deposit/ mortgage payment, no spend challenge (there are loads doing the rounds on TT/ insta).

Be the one to suggest outings/ meetups and suggest cheaper ones. If you still wanted to do outings along the lines of brunches/ meals out you could suggest going for lunch instead of dinner, cafe instead of restaurant, look out for places doing dining deals, afternoon tea deals, cake and coffee dates. Sell it as changing it up a bit, trying something new for the new year if you want to.

You may find there is more than one friend who appreciates the scaling down the expenses. A lot of people feel the pinch in January and with everything going up, tax rises and fiscal drag and a lot of job security in question people are starting to cut back.

You can say these expensive outings are beyond you atm, without telling them about the debt.

A friend said basically the same thing to me earlier this year, and tbh it came as a relief and I joined him. Some people in our group are still doing all the expensive things. We choose carefully which if any we want to go on, and spend most of our time on simpler things.

I'll be honest it has changed things in the group, but my life is better for it.

Do they enjoy any other activities? Tell them you are on a health kick and concentrating on interesting walks to / in new places and ask them to join?

Just say ‘I’m watching my budget more this year’ rather than say you are in debt?

How was the debt incurred? If due to many outings like this you will need to make a permanent lifestyle change anyway so might as well be honest.

No need to go in to details. It’s your private business. Just make a general statement along the lines of “hi guys, owing to the high cost of living atm, we are choosing to make some fairly stiff budgetary changes in ‘26, so I hope you will forgive us if we step back from some of our get togethers, but if anyone is up for regular walks in the park or a film night at ours, we would love to see you.”

In other words, don’t just frame it in the negative, offer to do alternative things with your friends, even hosting at your home occasionally and offering a pasta supper, or initiating a Sunday morning meeting at a coffee house. Good friends will understand and appreciate this. And then the others can opt to carry on and do more spendy stuff if they want to without you, but you aren’t stuck waiting for them to take control and organise something low cost either,

I quite often can’t afford meals out whereas quite a few friends can. If it’s something that is local I’ll often say something like ‘I won’t be able to make the dinner as I’m eating at home but would love to see you so I’ll join you all for a drink’ kind of thing. Obviously not possible for a spa day. But equally I do often say ‘sorry I won’t be able to do that one financially but you go and have a great time’ - that don’t need to know the reasons why.

Just say money is tight and you're having to be very careful with your spending.

They are your friends. Just say that you can’t afford it at the moment.
If you were my friend and said that you couldn’t afford it I would try to think of other activities to include you.
If I knew that a friend was paying off debt I would be very proud of them.

Own it OP. This is a good, brave thing you're doing for your family and you should be proud. Life is hard, and it's a remorseless world if we can't be honest with our friends about our struggles and how we're overcoming them. Or are they not that kind of friend?

This.
Years ago we were in debt and had to streamline life drastically. Being honest was good and actually led to some soulful conversations with friends.

There's no shame in cutting your cloth, according to your means. Lots of people are watching their spending, and there's definitely been a shift in financial thinking in my circle - which is actually quite a relief.

You simply say you can't afford it and suggest a free activity such as a walk. There's no need to feel pressured into spending money. If your friends would judge they're not worth having around.

Yes, just say that you are saving money at the moment so sticking to a tight budget. No further explanation necessary.

having said that, I am really skint this month and probably for the next few months for various reasons… I have no qualms about saying to people “sorry I’m skint”

Just be honest with them, sorry mates we have some debt we are sorting this year, so have to make some cut backs as i wont be able to afford as much as i did.
If they are your real true friends they wont judge you, or gossip about it.