Why do people do this (TW child loss)

[Waytomakeitallaboutmyselfiguess]

A celebrity has recently made a statement about the health of her children - this isn't about her, as such. Although my heart absolutely aches for any parents going through what she is.

Her children have the same condition that my daughter died of, and, as such, I wouldn't comment on her post at all about my daughter, she absolutely doesn't need to read about such a tragedy when she's going through so much.

I was reading through some of the comments, and I've noticed a lot of similarities between what people have written to her, and others elsewhere online (even on here) and what has been said to me.

I genuinely cannot understand it - things like:

I'm hugging my baby a bit tighter tonight.

Oh your baby has X, my nephew had that too and died a painful death after 3 months.

At least you know you can have kids.

I know someone who had X and they were such a fighter and pulled through (this especially pisses me off because it implies my dd, and others, simply didn't fight enough)

Maybe you should pray.

I just wouldn't be able to carry on if my child died.

And much, much more.

Genuinely what possesses people to spout this shit to parents going through the worst? I cannot fathom it out at all.

If you are, or know of, people who say these things, what is the motivation behind it? Why would someone tell a bereaved parent, or someone who's child is very unwell that you're hugging your healthy kid because their tragic circumstances have made you sad?

People are totally self-involved, solipsistic, insensitive arseholes. They are also often inarticulate and illiterate, and have no idea of the harm their unfiltered brain-farts can do to others.

I’m really, truly sorry to hear about your DD ❤️ please ignore the general public.

It doesn’t surprise me in the slightest. After reoccurring miscarriages etc and some of the things people said to me it’s shocking.

I am so sorry for your loss, if you feel comfortable I would love to hear about your DD, your favourite memory etc.

I think people mean it from a good place (I hope) but they just don’t stop to think what it actually means. They almost over explain or comment when really all the situation needs is “i am
so sorry you are going through this. I can drop
off some lasagne / cottage pies / snacks tomorrow on your door step (you don’t even have to answer the door). I will ring you in a few days again you don’t have to answer but I will ring every so often to check in and just answer when you are ready”

I'm so sorry, OP.
Is there anything that doesn't come across as crass and insensitive in these circumstances? (Genuine question; I have twice been so unsure what to say to a grieving parent that I came close to saying nothing, which is also hurtful.)

I really don't know. I had someone tell me they would not be able to live if their child died. I had no words. What about her surviving twin sister ffs? People can spout some awful things ( I realise not meant in this way).

Wishing you and your family well @Waytomakeitallaboutmyselfiguess .I am sorry to hear about your daughter, truly.

I read the comments of an article with this story and one of the comments was along the lines of 'oh not this woman whining again, she never stops'. I'm guessing they are referring to when she was pregnant and the twins nearly died.
I think people just spout any hatred online because they can. They know they are pretty safe behind a screen so just type whatever they want. Even absolute rubbish!

Say what you honestly feel it means so much to us even if you say ‘I don’t know what to say’ my brother told me to ‘get over it he was only 4’ I could write a book on things people have said! My sister said aren’t you lucky you only have 2 pairs of school shoes to buy.

So sorry to hear about your DD. I echo @Hotchocolateandmarsh and would love to hear about your DD if you feel comfortable.

I think it comes from a place of fear and people just aren’t articulate enough and don’t know how to convey empathy. They are only thinking of their own feelings rather than the grieving parents so they say stupid things like ‘I couldn’t survive if that happened to me’.

I saw the tiktok and someone commented they couldn't watch it because the noise Jessy was involuntarily making. You could see the poor woman was physically trying to keep it together to get awareness out there. An absolutely heartbreaking situation for her and her family.

I can't fathom why anyone would announce something like this on social media. What did she think was going to happen?

It's her right to as their mother. Better to control the narrative rather than have some journalist telling people about it maybe?

Op I am sorry for your loss.

Probably because she’s trying to raise awareness and get it spotted earlier in other babies

Think I know exactly who you’re on about. I’m really sorry for your loss. People can be disgusting with their comments or they genuinely don’t think. No one in their right mind would right I’ll hold my child tighter tonight on a sad post like that. It’s baffling. I think Jesy is right to post about it though because sadly it will effect them now for the rest of their lives and because she’s in the media if she didn’t then scumbags would make nasty comments.

Thank you all.

My little girl would be 19 now, she died when she was very young, she never made it out of the hospital unfortunately. I got to hold her twice, once when she was 3 days old, she was on a board because her bones were so brittle a hug would have broken my little bug even more than she already was. And then once as they removed all of the tubes, I carried her to the window and opened it so she could finally feel the wind on her face, and so that when she died she could escape that hospital and fly free.

She had massive brown eyes and a tuft of dark brown hair, and the cheekiest little face you could ever imagine. She couldn't move or breathe for herself, but man, she could judge 🤣 if I sang slightly off key, or did a voice in a book wrong I knew about it quickly.

Thank you for asking about her, I don't often get the chance to tell anyone about her anymore. My sweet little Bug.

I guess that leads me on to the perfect thing to say to a bereaved parent - ask about their child. It means more than you'll ever know. People often don't because of their own discomfort.

If that is too much then it's fine to just acknowledge that you have no words and that the situation is absolutely shit rather than say something to make it 'better'.

I cannot believe people are going out of their way to be horrible to someone already going through so much, some of the comments are just disgusting. She is in the public eye and wanted to raise awareness of the condition (SMA for anyone who is interested) and to start campaigning for heel prick tests to be done.

Pounds and pence to pay out for shoes is not comparable to the loss of a child.
What a crass idiotic comment.
Sorry for your loss.

She was already posting about her pregnancy and the baby, and cultivated millions of followers.

You can’t then have privacy… because if you stop posting, people with start prying anyway.

Also, with the nature of the condition (spinal muscular atrophy), it genuinely does raise awareness if parents are aware of this condition. Apparently 1 in 40 prople have the gene, so if both parents have it, the child inherits it too.

I'm so sorry 💐 it's just the shittest thing in the world to have to go through, and people expect you to be over your child's death quickly for their comfort.

My own (now nc) mother said such gems as "well at least you're not stuck with her being disabled", and "it's OK for you, you're her mum, so you're getting attention, what about me?" and "I'll bet you're glad you're not stuck eating hospital food anymore".

My God , i am so very sorry , i can't believe your own family could say /think such terrible things .

You cant ‘fathom’ why someone who is, frankly, hounded by the British press, would want to put into the public sphere, in her own way and using her own words, why her children will be in wheelchairs and not walking? I mean it’s not a very difficult thing to ‘fathom’ is it?

Really ? That's what you got from this ?
What's wrong with you?

My mum is one of these people. It’s two things, with her:

Firstly, she thinks motherhood is a universal experience, and she thinks that all mothers know it’s universal experience, so that when she “is blunt” she assumes it goes without saying that she feels all the sadnesses a mother feels too.

Secondly, despite being almost 80yo, she lacks the notional maturity to look beyond the end of her nose to what the person opposite her is going through. She is capable of enormous empathy at times. But even when she’s being empathetic, she feels that in the context of her own life, her own children, her own feelings and when her empathy causes her distress it’s actually imagined distress at what her life would be like if the same thing happened to her.

She was also very ready to give up trying after the pandemic. She just can’t be bothered with anything anymore, and is happy to put all the onus for everything on other people. She feels she’s at an age where everyone should cut her slack if she’s hurtful or rude or causes offence. She just doesn’t have the energy to try anymore.

It’s terrible, and I’ve had to apologize for her many many times. I feel the same way as you when I read posts like “I’m going to hug my LO extra hard tonight” - just why would you say such a thing?? And also, just tonight? And what does your child feel about it? This is basically telling a bereaved parent “I’m so glad it wasn’t my child that this happened to” - it’s so, so cruel. So thoughtless. For the rest of it, most people can’t see beyond themselves and their feelings and their experiences (like my mum). They type away, saying these things, because it makes them feel better and they never think about the person hearing what they’re saying.

I've seen stuff like this. I think the people who do it are not very bright and are clueless about appropriate things to say.
I've seen people write "Hugging my child a bit tighter tonight." After reading about child loss. They are basically smugly crowing that their child is still alive but too dim to realise it.

this is on a whole different scale to the idiots who talk about hugging their child more tightly or that they couldn't live without their child. Being generous I'd say those people just struggle to convey that they get how devastating it is to lose a child and so they come out with that stuff
but the comments quoted here are off the scale callous

My second baby was stillborn, and I remember coming home from hospital in an utter daze to find a get well soon card from the neighbour over the road. Comments from family and friends ranged from "at least you already have a child", to " at least you know you can get pregnant" and the utter worst "well something must have been wrong with them, at least you don't have a disabled child". The most compassionate card I had was from a family friend whose DD had died after 7 days in NICU - she wrote the loveliest kindest message, it was one of the few cards I kept.

I don't think people know what to say when it's a child death/serious illness. And if they don't, they really should keep their mouths shut. Those tactless comments have stayed with me forever.

I'm sorry for your loss OP

Also, I think "Hugging my child a bit tighter" is something they've read online and regurgitated, without realising how inappropriately they are using it.

Because people are shit, and actually pretty stupid on the whole. And some like to post emotive statements then watch to check they get a satisfactory amount of likes.