Why do people do this (TW child loss)

[Waytomakeitallaboutmyselfiguess]

A celebrity has recently made a statement about the health of her children - this isn't about her, as such. Although my heart absolutely aches for any parents going through what she is.

Her children have the same condition that my daughter died of, and, as such, I wouldn't comment on her post at all about my daughter, she absolutely doesn't need to read about such a tragedy when she's going through so much.

I was reading through some of the comments, and I've noticed a lot of similarities between what people have written to her, and others elsewhere online (even on here) and what has been said to me.

I genuinely cannot understand it - things like:

I'm hugging my baby a bit tighter tonight.

Oh your baby has X, my nephew had that too and died a painful death after 3 months.

At least you know you can have kids.

I know someone who had X and they were such a fighter and pulled through (this especially pisses me off because it implies my dd, and others, simply didn't fight enough)

Maybe you should pray.

I just wouldn't be able to carry on if my child died.

And much, much more.

Genuinely what possesses people to spout this shit to parents going through the worst? I cannot fathom it out at all.

If you are, or know of, people who say these things, what is the motivation behind it? Why would someone tell a bereaved parent, or someone who's child is very unwell that you're hugging your healthy kid because their tragic circumstances have made you sad?

I saw her post and had the exact same thoughts about the commenters OP. Thank you for sharing about your daughter, you write beautifully about her and her final moments on earth and it was lovely to read.

Exactly.

You know how SM works. How can peoole be surprised?

@Waytomakeitallaboutmyselfiguess
A list of things that were said to me after my baby was stillborn:
He would have been brain damaged had he lived (no evidence to support this whatsoever).
You can try again. (Within a couple of hours of losing him).
You are going through the menopause (and therefore cannot try again. I was not menopausal).
Are you enjoying your maternity leave? (I was not).
He’s gone to be an angel.
We won’t come to the funeral as we didn’t know him (his Grandparents..thanks for the support).
When are you going back to work? (Said with judgement).

She is raising awareness that it can be spotted immediately after birth through a heel prick test that isn't done in the UK. There is treatment that can be given which can stop the muscles dying but it can't repair any that are already damaged so having to wait until symptoms appear means damage is already done (that's obviously not correct medical terminology etc but what I could understand from the video) . Without treatment it's likely the child will die before they are 2
Besides that, she's famous, paps will try to get photos of her wee girls so obviously idiots will gossip online about them, she has no choice but to get ahead of it.

A friend of mine lost a child sometime ago, she often mentions the comfort she gets from still being able to talk about her child and that her worst nightmare, on top of the one she’s already been through, is people forgetting her child existed.

Thank you so much for telling us about Bug, You paint such a vivid picture- those big brown eyes and that judging look. She is remembered here, thank you for sharing her with us

My mum died last year at 93. In her very last weeks, she was sharing her feelings about the reactions she got back in 1969 when my brother died at 9 months.

2 of the neighbours who she remembered being supportive were at her funeral and I was able to thank them by name in the eulogy.

Not so much the other neighbour who said, 'I didn't want to come round as then you'd see my perfect baby...'

I'm so sorry for everyone who is going through this hell, and for all of the insensitive , and downright cruel comments you've all experienced.

I totally forgot about the old faithful "your child is in a better place now" I must have heard that thousands of times.

I can't believe that some on here have chosen to blame her for putting it online. As if she really had a choice, aside from the fact her main motive being to help others. How awful do you have to be for that to be your first thought when hearing about a Mum going through such hell.

I’m so, so sorry about your DD. 💐

Too many people are thoughtless, self-centred idiots. 🤷🏼‍♀️

i really don't understand for the life of me why the fuck people do this and to be honest i don't want to understand either, obviously it's totally different and completely incomparable, but a family member had day surgery recently and mentioned it to an acquaintance who scared the shit out of him saw fit to talk about how painful her husband found it, people really astound, anger and disgust me on a daily basis sometimes. i'm so sorry about your beautiful daughter, i believe our loved ones are always around us and find it very comforting but i appreciate your views might not be the same. she was/is lucky to have such a loving mother and your love for her shines through your words. sending love and hugs to you.

I think it's the sentiment that counts, but at the behest of wanting to say something, rational thought eludes even the most sympathetic of people.

I had the same feeling with my MIL when I was going through so many miscarriages or just not getting pregnant. I felt like she was thoughtless, tactless and full of crap, but looking back I think she didn't want to come across as uncaring, so she quite often said some of the most useless/borderline offensive nonsense.

Humans aren't perfect, we do try and often fail, but it's not always intentional.

This!

Thanks again.

I'm not so sure it is the sentiment that counts.

To me the sentiment is about the other person, not the one going through something so horrific.

For example, after my little bug died a woman from my ex husbands work showed up at my door in tears, I had maybe met her in passing twice. She told me to count my blessings because she hadn't been able to have children so I was lucky to have had my dd for the short time I did because this a love she would never experience.

Weirdly, and this happened a lot in the early days, I ended up comforting her.

That whole interaction wasn't about me at all, she may have thought that her basically saying "well I have it worse" was going to comfort me, but she did it for her own reasons and it was about her.

The same with a lot of things the bereaved parents have said on this thread. It's about the other person wanting to say something to 'fix' the situation for their comfort.

I think those online talking to this Mum who is going through this right now are just brain dumping without a regard for the fact that she will be reading all of this, they have to say what they want to say for their own reasons, it's not about the family at all.

I think some people feel they have to say SOMETHING, rather than nothing, and go about it in a clumsy and insensitive way, without meaning to do so.
If people want to acknowledge a sad death or illness, just say '°I'm thinking of you at this sad time"
That's probably enough imho

I'm so sorry about your little bug OP, she sounds lovely and I can just imagine her judgy looks when you read the stories not quite right.

I have children with health problems/SEN and some of the comments have been awful. From suggesting I shouldn't take my baby with a cleft lip out until his first operation at 6 months old, judging me for being bored in hospital, for taking photos of him in hospital (I wasn't even sharing the photos with anyone) etc etc. Then there were the people who thought they knew better than the medical professionals, including the person who insisted that a midwife could just sew up my baby's cleft lip in the delivery room (for those of you wondering, it took a specialist surgeon 3 hours to do the first two operations and then 2 specialist surgeons took 4 hours to do the third). Also the "my friend' cousin's hairdresser's auntie had that but they had it much worse and coped better" brigade.

The best people were the ones who either brought food or helped entertain my toddler.

This. As usual the first post nails it.

People have become .....just bloody awful. Running their mouths and thoughts without filter or any critical analysis of any sort.

On here and in real life and on other platforms, it's incredible to me how some people are still alive with their level of brain dead dickheadedness.

My 15yo is also disabled (not related to what Bug had)

Thankfully my sons (now ex) boyfriend cornered me at a bbq so we could all get to know him, and described in great detail how I could cure her. Apparently a conversation with him where he could just explain the symptoms she has been having for a decade weren't good for her, she would just stop being disabled. I can send him your way once he's done curing my dd with the power of his words if you like.

People are honestly just ridiculous. I, very sadly, can absolutely believe that people start many a sentence to you with "could you just.....", or "well at least......" and then give you a solution that you and all the medical professionals haven't thought of 💐