Should I tell my children about my childhood abuse?

[crazypiglady]

trigger warning - sexual assault

Not sure where to post this, please please be gentle. I’m 45 and told my husband both 2 years ago, which has been very healing. I have counselling when things get tough & am on medication long term that has really helped. In short, I’m doing what I can to stay well. DDs are in their early teens & are now doing things that are triggering for me as it throws up the situations in which I was first assaulted. My eldest had noticed that I am often very ill (IBS symptoms) when there’s a sleepover not at my own house, she’s 14. Normally I’ll just distract myself and sort of shut down (go to bed early with a book) as I don’t want my fears or past to colour their experience. Should I tell her any part of my past? Even in an age-appropriate way? My instinct is to keep it to myself and let them enjoy their childhood in a way I couldn’t at their age.

It’s OK to put in clear boundaries with them, and to be honest over the fact that you are concerned over sleepovers and perhaps building in support for yourself such as clear sleepover parameters (keep their phone on etc). The larger issue of whether to tell them I think needs professional support - could you discuss with a therapist first? My instinct would be to have that conversation when they are older, but there is something to be said for a very open dialogue about this. No shame, no secrecy. I wish you lots of support - very tough situation.

No, because it’s not their weight to carry. It was freeing to tell your dh because it means handing off some of the heavy stuff to someone else by sharing your experiences and having that validation back. But that isn’t the role that children play in our lives as parents. We do that for them, but they don’t do that for us.

You can, however, talk about keeping themselves safe, trusting their gut, being willing to speak up when something makes them feel uncomfortable. Take your experience and use it to empower them because you can have open and frank conversations about looking after themselves. But don’t burden them with the facts of what happened, because it won’t keep them safe anyway.

This is a difficult one.
I have a friend who's had her life ruined by her mother's past assault being told as a teen. Personally I think her mother should have made whatever other excuses she had to and pacify herself when needed but projecting that onto your own children and especially as teenagers I think is very wrong.
What does your partner say about it?

No, don't tell them.

No, I wouldn’t. I’ve decided not to tell mine until they’re adults (as in, over 30, and only then in the interests of honesty because I worry if they find out after I’m gone they’ll wonder why I didn’t say anything). What’s the point? It’s not their job to emotionally support me, and I don’t want to put disturbing images in their heads.

No. It's not their burden to carry. Let them live their own lives.

I’ll add to what I said above that I DO think there is a time and place for being open with our children about our experiences of abuse. It’s not meant to be a secret or shameful. It’s probably when they are adults though. As teens, I’d focus on what they can do for themselves. Not what happened to you a long time ago.

No, they’re children and don’t need that burden. I wouldn’t let them see any of your anxieties around what they’re doing or where they’re going either, it puts unnecessary worry on to them and may affect what they do.

Ok thank you that’s a really clear no! As my instincts were telling me. My husband isn’t sure what to do, he had no idea about my abuse and we’ve known eachother for over a decade, so he’s adjusting. Asking my counsellor is a good suggestion. It goes without saying that we have always had open and frank conversations with the girls about boundaries, what to do if something doesn’t feel right etc so I hope that they would come to us in a way that I couldn’t with my own parents. I think the point that it’s not their weight to carry is a really powerful one and the one about a teen being caused trauma by learning about her mothers assault has scared me, so I will keep quiet as I thought I should.

Mine only know a little of mine because I had to attend a court case. They were teenagers, I told them it was linked to something that happened to me as a child but that was it.
We had always been cautious about things like sleep overs and had boundaries in place. We had open discussions about safety, about private body parts, and keeping safe.
There was an agreement that we would always come and collect them at whatever time of day/night if they felt unsafe. We had a word they could text us and we would call and say we needed to come due to family emergency.
they didn’t need the details of what I went though, but I certainly felt better knowing they had safety in place.
Hope your doing ok OP

I wouldn’t until they are adults. There is absolutely no benefit to them knowing as children.

Op...im so sorry thats scared you. You sound like a wonderful lady who cares so much about your kids. I had to be truthful. I am probably a lot older than you therefore so is my friend and ive gave her my support always but its been exhausting for me as a friend of 40 years so I dread to think the pressure and feelings of her from being a teenager.
You'll do what you feel is best as a momma.
Please take care and all the very best to you my lovely

No, don't. Find ways to contain and process the sensations that go with being triggered. You need to do that for yourself anyway, and it will spare your DC having to know this at a very sensitive time in their lives. Therapy could help you.

I'm glad you won't do this OP.

I would also be cautious of what you say to them as adults/timing of that. I agree with PP that it isn't shameful but think very carefully about why and when you say something. I personally never would, but I am absolutely projecting as an adult child on the recieving end of disclosures.

I’ve never gone into detail but we had these conversations very young. Their very abusive father accused his step father of sexual abuse when they were 2&3. It was not true and was designed to cause the maximum damage and drama possible. It was very effective. However the police intervention was damaging to the kids. That and the fact that they couldn’t see their grandparents for 2 years.

Their father lost parental rights when they were 8&9.

So they’ve always known. And I’ll answer any questions but I don’t dump it on them. I never have.

No no please don’t apologise! It’s that kind of experience I need to hear because people just don’t talk about (in my experience in real life I mean) and that’s why I’ve felt so anxious about it because I’ve been torn for so long thinking I’m letting them down by not warning them somehow and being scared for them (I don’t want them naively going into any situation with adults thinking everyone is all sunshine and rainbows), but also that I don’t want to burden them with it. So I’m glad to hear a range of experiences though very sorry to read that people have gone through this, it’s so common but so hidden still. And that was my dilemma, I didn’t want to hide it because that’s why it continues but equally I don’t want to taint their experiences. I think maybe telling them when they’re adults is right and even then only if they ask or wonder about my mental health or why I am the way I am sometimes.

I told both my children about the sexual abuse when they were fairly young. I had no choice as I cut contact with all my family. Allowing them be around the ‘uncles’ who abused me was not an option. The cPTSD shows up physically and emotionally so they needed to know why I was always ill and couldn’t do certain things.

I’m guessing that the majority of posters advising “don’t tell them” have not experienced childhood sexual abuse. It’s not a straightforward decision.

My dad was sexually assaulted by a teacher when he was a pre-teen.
He didn't disclose this to anyone, including my mum, until he was in his 60s and it came out during an unrelated mental health crisis. I was in my early 30s at the time.
Honestly, it explained a lot. He was a very complicated and often quite difficult person, when on the face of it, he had no real reason to be quite so... much.

I’m sorry to hear this. Do you wish you’d known earlier? Would it have made anything easier for you as a teen or young adult?

I’m so sorry this happened to you. What is cPTSD? For what it’s worth I think you were right to tell them why you cut contact, it being out on the open sends the message that it’s not the survivors weight to carry.

I don’t think it’s as straightforward as a no, especially if your daughter has started to work out that something is going on. There’s certainly a conversation about whether it’s more harmful for her to be wondering and filling in gaps herself? Could you take guidance from the NSPCC?

Honestly, I'm not sure.
As it happened, he ended up passing away less than a year after making his disclosure.
The only time I think it would have been better to have known sooner would have been to have had more time to support him. I think he'd have been a happier and more stable adult if he'd processed it with a professional at a younger age.
He grew up in an era (and socioeconomic group) where benign neglect was the norm. His dad was out of the house over 12 hours a day in a highly pressurised job (and was almost certainly autistic), and his mum only had kids because it was "what a woman and wife was meant to do". Dad came along later in life for her. And although he was cared for, there wasn't a lot of "love" as we would think of it now. She was off doing her own thing, and he was expected to mind his business and do his own thing.
Holidays revolved around what the parents felt like doing. They never considered what their bright and active little boy might be interested in.
He never told his parents about the assaults, because he figured they wouldn't want the fuss. But he wished, in hindsight that he'd told his dad, because he realised later in life that his dad DID care in his own way, and probably would have done something about it. His mum would have told him not to make a fuss and probably accused him of lying.

I think, tell them honestly with two "ifs" - 1) if they show curiosity and it arises naturally and 2) if you are willing to model actively tackling the damage you have sustained.

So don't sit them down out of nowhere and "trauma dump". But if they say "look Mum, I can see you are having trouble with...." then it is okay to be honest.

And don't limit them because of what happened to you. Show them you are moving on.

My dad grew up in a highly abusive household and constantly discussed it. But he wasn't able to understand that this had made HIM behave in objectively unreasonable ways or to take any steps to change that behaviour.

I disagree with posts saying that telling them is burdening them. Making them live with unreasonable constraint is burdening them
Telling them the truth about something that happened to you is not.

No don't tell them.

I have, and I wouldn’t tell my children. It’s my past and it doesn’t need to affect my children and their future. It’s not their burden and I don’t think it’s suitable information for a parent/child relationship.