Should I tell my children about my childhood abuse?

[crazypiglady]

trigger warning - sexual assault

Not sure where to post this, please please be gentle. I’m 45 and told my husband both 2 years ago, which has been very healing. I have counselling when things get tough & am on medication long term that has really helped. In short, I’m doing what I can to stay well. DDs are in their early teens & are now doing things that are triggering for me as it throws up the situations in which I was first assaulted. My eldest had noticed that I am often very ill (IBS symptoms) when there’s a sleepover not at my own house, she’s 14. Normally I’ll just distract myself and sort of shut down (go to bed early with a book) as I don’t want my fears or past to colour their experience. Should I tell her any part of my past? Even in an age-appropriate way? My instinct is to keep it to myself and let them enjoy their childhood in a way I couldn’t at their age.

You have put it so much better than I did. I totally agree with this, I have a very similar experience to you.

As someone who was the child in this situation - please don’t tell your kids. It really impacted my adolescence when I was told about my mums abuse.
You are doing great - just carry on with the counselling and medication. Your kids deserve their own childhood and it shouldn’t be restricted by yours.

I was told about my mum's abuse when I was around 11, it was shocking but I honestly don't think it was the wrong thing to do. It explained a lot of why my mother was how she was.

I think it's a bit late op.

My ex's half siblings experienced CSA at the hands of their grandpa, and so from a very early age we had a rule that secrets weren't allowed. This was for anything apart from birthday and Christmas gifts initially, then to voting and personal stuff when they were older. They still don't know about the history - they never met this person and have barely any contact with their half-uncle and half-aunt so they absolutely don't need to know either.

Might be useful to age-appropriately mention that you do have concerns around sleepovers etc but they don't need to know why. That happened to you, not them, and they don't need that burden of knowledge.

cPTSD - complex post traumatic stress disorder

The “complex” bit comes from repeated trauma from an early age. As opposed to an individual traumatic event.

Diagnosed by a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist.

Thank you for your understanding. It definitely needs to be out in the open and not hidden like it’s a dirty secret. Abuse within families happens much more than people realise. And within “nice” families. As mine was, to the outside world.

I didn’t have that choice…

Nailed it, thank you.

Covering it up and not being truthful, only perpetuates the abuser’s lies. I certainly didn’t “trauma dump” but they were told age appropriate things over a period of time.

i was a child of 11 when my parent disclosed SA, and I didn’t have the tools to deal with it… effectively I became the parent trying to deal with their emotions. I’ve had therapy and come out the other side, and as an adult having the information is beneficial.

So it’s not wrong imo for your kids to know some of the information, although I would only consider it if your behaviour is impacting them… if it’s not then I wouldn’t personally. you sound like a lovely mum who is doing your absolute best to protect your children and they are getting to an age when they do question decisions if they don’t agree so it’s hard!

maybe your counsellor could help with the decision and if you feel it would be beneficial, how to go about it in an appropriate way?

I was sexually abused as a child and it’s had a huge effect on my children despite my best intentions not to let it. I told them when they were older and they now understand why I’m the way I am but the shame of telling them will never leave me no matter how much therapy I’ve had and how much I know it’s not my fault. There’s no right or wrong answer here but don’t let them think it’s because of something they’ve done, the abuse has probably already taken away so much from you don’t let it take anymore.

God I’m so sorry you had this experience, it confirms to me that not disclosing it the right thing to do, I hope you’re ok x

I think this is a really good point. Maybe you’re wondering if telling them would make them more careful @crazypiglady as I can understand that thinking, but I think this post raises such a good point - they can’t emotionally support you and you don’t want to cause them trauma. They may have noticed (or not?) that your IBS flares when they sleep over elsewhere, but telling them now could make them feel scared for you, and as if they are responsible for making you sick. I know that if something I was doing was making my gran (who raised me) sick, I would have stop doing it immediately. I do think it may be a good idea to tell them once they’re adults, so they don’t somehow find out when you’re gone, as @Playingvideogames has said.

Continue with your therapy and healing, my mum told
me a lot about the extreme extreme poverty she lived in as a child, how she was abandoned and abused by her Grandmother. It’s chilling and I wish I never knew. I suffered SA on three one off occasions not systematic but I will be sure to tell my kids of dangers. I too am afraid of sleepovers as a result.