Feel shame when I think about work

[LovelyLemon2015]

Hi, Long term user and I have changed my username as lots of people may know me.... anyway. I do not know whether this is the right place to post, but I keep having quite visceral flashbacks about work and the impact it has had on my life. For context, I worked in front-line safeguarding for over 20 years. I was good at my job and did it well. But the flashbacks I keep having are about how the job affected my personal life and how I coped. I was always on edge and worried by losing my registration if I made a poor decision. I was also worried about how I was perceived outside of work and was just on edge all the time.

It's only now that I have left (about 5 years ago) that I have started to feel like this. I truly beleive it's taken me all this time to get the cortisol and adrenaline out of my body.

Some examples of how my jobs have affected my decision-making and personality, which I feel a lot of shame about...

1. I recall getting really upset when a sports activity my daughter was doing(she was about 8 years old at the time). She turned up, and the equipment wasn't there. I got distraught and called the school, ranting to the Head Teacher about how unacceptable this was... why did I bother? It was not a massive issue, and I am sure the HT had better things to do than deal with me...
2. I recall a team one of my sons played in, and the coach was sacked. I went crazy and wrote a long email to the club, telling them exactly what I thought of the sacking (despite having zero context on what had happened behind closed doors), and then shared it in the parents' WhatsApp chat. I deleted it a few hours later. But why did I do that??
3. My niece was in a theatre club after school when she was about 5. She told me that the teacher left her alone or something to this effect. Again, I got agitated and sent a huge email to the club leader, stating that they are not adequately managing the club and I will withdraw her. I did not know anything about what was happening. Why did I do this?
4. Another time, a few years ago, I didn't like what I had heard from another parent about something that might have happened with a different sports team one of my sons was on, and I apparently wrote something on Social Media about the team. This particular incident really causes me a lot of upset (I forgot about it for years, but I have been having daily flashbacks about it) as I cannot actually recall doing this and when I have gone through my SM account activity, I cannot find it. But the club chair spoke to me about it, and I genuinely cannot recall ever posting it, nor can I find it. I do not even know what I was meant to have posted.

My children and my niece are all adults- all of this happened nearly 10 years ago. But I feel really stupid about it and these flashbacks are becoming intrusive into my everyday life. Has anyone else experienced this and what have you done?

Sorry for the long post.....

I think you’ve taken a huge step forward actually in acknowledging that you were over reacted. That in itself is good because it will hopefully prevent you from doing so again in the future.

Every example looks like you perceived an I justice and you were just trying to tackle it. I also act like an idiot sometimes when I’m frustrated by work. I work in customer service and you should see me when it my time to complain. It’s displacement. I’m glad you’re passed it now. Acknowledge & forgive yourself.

You were reactive. Your responses each time were impulsive. Have you considered why that might be the case?

None of those strike me as safeguarding issues, but I do appreciate that you when are operating on adrenaline you are susceptible to making hard core and knee jerk reactions to things involving children. Providing you don’t do this any more I would cut yourself some slack. You can’t undo any of it, but you can make a conscious and concerted decision not to behave in that way again.

Thank you for both commenting. Being reactive and displacement- interesting, I have never considered this before. At the time, I think I was so stressed with the job, juggling family life and all the usual commitments, that I totally overreacted to the most mundane of situations.

Actually, after the SM incident, which caused me to have a total meltdown for a couple of days and not be able to get out of bed- my whole mindset shifted. This was the catalyst to leave front-line safeguarding. I remember my DH was livid with me and told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to change. I left my job.

It took about 18 months, but I made significant changes to my work-life balance. But I feel so much shame and stupidity about this particular incident.

I have not behaved like this since.

Apologies, my original post should have read 5 years ago and not 10!

Thanks for your comments. I absolutely do not do this anymore. You're right, though. I reacted to things like it was an S/G issue when it was not. It's all so upsetting when I think back to it.

We all feel shame and stupidity about certain things. There was an incident with me that shook me my core and cost my professional reputation. I’m still reeling from it internally but other people have said it’s not a big deal. It’s only what you make it. Try to leave it in the past

Could it be a form of ptsd? You did an incredibly hard job probably with no psychological support from your employer. Thank you for doing this job - not many people can stick it out for long x

You responded to those situations in a way you thought was appropriate at the time. And you feel differently now- it’s all okay.
I think back to how I would have responded and reacted to certain things a few years ago, and sometimes I would respond the same/ and sometimes differently. I wouldn’t worry- you haven’t caused any harm and you were just trying to do what you thought was right in that moment and can appreciate a different viewpoint now. It’s just being human and growth and change of circumstances

Thank you for this. This has actually made me well up. You're right, though, maybe it is PTSD, and at the time, this vocation eats you up. I don't regret any decisions I made for the children I safeguarded, just my own stupidity in my personal life.

Hi OP this sounds really complex and I do empathise with you. I left teaching after 16 years and still feel the trauma from a few events that I will never be able to forget and still have flashbacks from one particular incident.

I think because your job was front line safeguarding you were almost hyper vigilant where your own children were concerned - so any incident that had the potential for your child being unsafe, caused you to have a massive reaction. Then through that reaction you wrote the emails etc.

I would absolutely recommend some therapy to help you to unpick these flashbacks. Stress and trauma from events from years ago can feel very real. I hope you are able to work through them and find some peace.

Thanks. I think you have made a very compelling point. I have had professional reflective supervision on and off over the years, but never any actual therapy for myself. Maybe it's time to take the step and do this.....

Thanks for all of your kind comments. I didn't expect such a reaction.

This is interesting to read; I went the other way and trauma at home made me very stressed and reactive at work, and I know I did not handle many things well, and as a result I’ve had a very rocky few years career-wise.

But you understand why, as do I, and I think you can only be very kind and forgiving to yourself.

Running off adrenaline and cortisol is so damaging; I lost five stone in those stressful years and am now going through a divorce.

Take it easy on yourself, really. It’s ok.

I think @Alwaysoneoddsockis right here.

Look after yourself now, and perhaps try some therapy like EMDR…you deserve to feel better than this after all you gave to keep others safe.

Thanks for your comments and I am sorry to hear how this has affected you. 😔

I am not a psychologist but some of these resonate with me as someone very familiar with dissociative behaviours

Although it sounds miserable, I think it is a sign of healing and means you are gaining a new perspective on how your job affected you.

It might be helpful to reflect on the difference between shame and guilt. I think the lesson your brain is trying to learn from these reflections is understanding how you got to that point and behaved as you did. Guilt is useful as a learning tool, but can easily translate into shame about our fundamental self. You know you were stressed and in a job which messes with the way you see the world (I dont think anyone who works in safeguarding can be unaffected by it). Your job now is to cultivate some perspective on that time and how it affected you, and work on improving self compassion. Nothing you have said suggests you are a bad person but therapy would definitely be a good idea to process this - you are definitely experiencing a trauma reaction.

You are asking for forgiveness or justification for your behaviour which quite frankly could have cost some people their jobs! You shouldn’t have reacted in those ways no matter what stressful job you were in

The OP is not asking for forgiveness or justification for that matter - they are trying to understand their reactions and asking for advice from others who have had similar experiences. Your comment is crass and unhelpful.

Are you always perfect? Have you never been unreasonable in a situation? OP has been brave enough to identify that her behaviour was not ideal and is reflecting on it. Unless you have worked in safeguarding, you cannot understand the stress people work under, but it is so normalized within teams that people dont really notice it.

Your comments have solidified how shameful I feel about this, as I often think the people I affected may have a similar opinion of me. My behaviour was horrendous- you are right. I feel so ashamed about it, and the flashbacks are crippling me.

I asked in my original post whether anyone had ever felt as I do now. Not for forgiveness, or justification.

“Are you always perfect? Have you never been unreasonable in a situation? OP has been brave enough to identify that her behaviour was not ideal and is reflecting on it. Unless you have worked in safeguarding, you cannot understand the stress people work under, but it is so normalized within teams that people dont really notice it.”
No I’m not perfect and yes I work in an area of safeguarding. I just feel for the theatre teacher who was probably investigated and humiliated unjustly

I have a mental list of all the times I reacted badly to something or made a choice that was foolish or embarrassing. I’ve come to the conclusion though that nothing I do or feel can change the past so no point keep going over it. You can change the future though so concentrate on that.

Everyone has a few things they regret in life. It’s ok. Try and look forward.