Feel shame when I think about work

[LovelyLemon2015]

Hi, Long term user and I have changed my username as lots of people may know me.... anyway. I do not know whether this is the right place to post, but I keep having quite visceral flashbacks about work and the impact it has had on my life. For context, I worked in front-line safeguarding for over 20 years. I was good at my job and did it well. But the flashbacks I keep having are about how the job affected my personal life and how I coped. I was always on edge and worried by losing my registration if I made a poor decision. I was also worried about how I was perceived outside of work and was just on edge all the time.

It's only now that I have left (about 5 years ago) that I have started to feel like this. I truly beleive it's taken me all this time to get the cortisol and adrenaline out of my body.

Some examples of how my jobs have affected my decision-making and personality, which I feel a lot of shame about...

1. I recall getting really upset when a sports activity my daughter was doing(she was about 8 years old at the time). She turned up, and the equipment wasn't there. I got distraught and called the school, ranting to the Head Teacher about how unacceptable this was... why did I bother? It was not a massive issue, and I am sure the HT had better things to do than deal with me...
2. I recall a team one of my sons played in, and the coach was sacked. I went crazy and wrote a long email to the club, telling them exactly what I thought of the sacking (despite having zero context on what had happened behind closed doors), and then shared it in the parents' WhatsApp chat. I deleted it a few hours later. But why did I do that??
3. My niece was in a theatre club after school when she was about 5. She told me that the teacher left her alone or something to this effect. Again, I got agitated and sent a huge email to the club leader, stating that they are not adequately managing the club and I will withdraw her. I did not know anything about what was happening. Why did I do this?
4. Another time, a few years ago, I didn't like what I had heard from another parent about something that might have happened with a different sports team one of my sons was on, and I apparently wrote something on Social Media about the team. This particular incident really causes me a lot of upset (I forgot about it for years, but I have been having daily flashbacks about it) as I cannot actually recall doing this and when I have gone through my SM account activity, I cannot find it. But the club chair spoke to me about it, and I genuinely cannot recall ever posting it, nor can I find it. I do not even know what I was meant to have posted.

My children and my niece are all adults- all of this happened nearly 10 years ago. But I feel really stupid about it and these flashbacks are becoming intrusive into my everyday life. Has anyone else experienced this and what have you done?

Sorry for the long post.....

Im in a similar front line role and id also go nuts over similar situations which is so unhealthy. At the time id be thinking "how have they gotten away with xyz. I could never do something like that". I saw danger everywhere. I also held all professionals who were in similar roles up to this unbelievably high standard that I felt I had to work to.
I truly drank the kool aid and refused to believe that as humans we can make mistakes.

Sorry, you have been through this, but none of the actions I listed above (in my OP) have resulted in any allegations or anyone being investigated. I've never made an allegation against anyone. I was reflecting on how being a social worker in CP shaped my personal decision-making in my life outside of work. not making allegations about anyone. You have misunderstood what I have posted.

If a false allegation against you has been made, then you should take this up with your union and employer.

This made me laugh. Yes 100%.

Thanks for everyone's comments. I am starting to realise that humans are fallible.

Wizzywig, I hope you get out soon....(if you want to of course).....there is a life on the other side....the thought of going back to that job actually makes me feel ill. 😥

I am like you OP - hard on ourselves and pick ourselves apart. I have been on quite the journey this year. When you look at other people, you realise no one is perfect. Everyone has made mistakes but we don't keep going over them endlessly so we should give ourselves the same grace. I genuinely think nothing you have done is so bad and you clearly would do things differently now so be kind to yourself! Everyone is shaped by their experiences.

No I haven’t had any allegations made against me! I just feel sorry for all the people you complained about

Feeling for that person is one thing. Putting the boot into OP is unkind and unnecessary. Having also worked in safeguarding I have seen it really mess people up, depending on the support they got and the team they were in.

You’ve had some good responses. It’s interesting you talk about shame. You might want to read work by Brene Brown, who is known for her work on shame, vulnerability, courage etc. She has written a number of books and there’s TED talks you could watch (just search her name and shame and they’ll come up)

It is very common to reflect on your life when you retire and for things you have pushed away with busy-ness to surface. Something similar happened to me and I had some therapy which I found very helpful. There are some residual issues that I need to live with and manage. I have chosen hobbies that help me de-stress like singing, gardening, yoga etc. I also have a limited voluntary role and am being pushed to pick up more responsibility but I'm sticking to my guns and declining despite being told I'm 'perfect for the role'. I don't want my retirement to be filled with responsibility for others, as my working life was; this is now my time for self care. I hope you can find some help, OP - I know how distressing it is when you get hijacked by these experiences.

I do agree, but there’s no need to let it affect other people’s livelihoods. Her actions were unkind.

It’s sounds as though you existed in Fight or flight mode for a long time. I know that when my DC was young, I was so exhausted and had some significant work stress and I was also very reactive. I too now feel embarrassed about some of my reactions to things. But, I am sure no one else is thinking about it all now. Although I am sure some people still think I am a bit of a tit, no one died, no one was really hurt. Be kind to yourself. We’ve all, especially in your line of work, dealt with difficult people. They don’t keep us up at night.

The rumination you’re now experiencing is something I have also suffered with and you have my sympathy. I found talking therapy helped me, first of all to get it all out and secondly to find ways to stop the ruminating.

I hope you find some peace of mind soon.

And she is reflecting on them, which suggests she is trying to learn from them. No need to be unkind now.

I’ve been diagnosed with stress, anxiety and burnout and have done similar things that have left me paralysed with shame and intrusive thoughts about incidents, particularly those involving even the mildest of conflict, for ages afterwards. It does feel like consistently inflated cortisol and adrenaline levels due to toxic working environments have left me prickly and reactive and I feel that I am primed to lose my mind (publicly and privately) over certain things if I can’t catch myself in time.

I am desperate to take a long break and go part time but finances mean I can’t and I’m looking for therapy to help me cope.What has helped me is to acknowledge my poor mental health and the elements of my job that have contributed to this. Doing this helps me to be kinder to myself when I am ruminating.

I do think that social media is a huge contribution to poor mental health and that self-righteous way that people post and the chastising language used can be contagious and seep into real life. This seemed particularly to be the case during the pandemic, which was about 5 years ago and fits with the timeline you mention. I wonder if this period maybe exacerbated feelings of stress and burnout you were already experiencing?

MostlyGhostly

I am so sorry you are going through this. Thank you for taking the time to read and reflect on my post. I completely understand the intrusive thoughts- a poster above mentioned Brene Brown TED talk, and I watched it with one of my daughters. It was so interesting that she said that change can't happen without shame- it's a real catalyst for people taking their lives in a different direction. It creates self-awareness.

Yes, about the Lockdown. Honestly, I still feel sick about it now......when Boris did that lockdown speech on TV I was in the office at work (as usual that late), and we all looked at each other and I still remember those feelings of the hair on my skin prickling....I think I do need counselling.....it was probably the most awful time of my career.

Have you looked into vicarious trauma? I work on a similar line of work, although not child safeguarding, and all our frontline staff must have vicarious trauma training. I'm not saying that the training prevents it but just being aware of the symptoms can be helpful.

Also do you think your could have some kind of neurodiversity? Often people with autism can have a very strong, visceral sense of social justice which sounds like the reaction you had in these situations. I often feel like reacting in a similar way myself and have to fight the urge to send those emails, and check my reality.

Sorry OP, I don't really have anything particularly useful to add, other than to say that, as a social worker, I get it. I work in mental health and the toll it's taken on my own mental health is immense.

Even when I'm not working, I'm on edge and stressed, thinking about what I haven't had time to do and waiting for something to go wrong, knowing that I'll be held accountable.

It's like another world. Sometimes I'll mention something work related to a friend & they'll look at me in shock. I think I've become quite desensitised. Most people I come into contact with outside of work seem to lead quite a sheltered life.

I'm always looking for other jobs, but less stressful jobs are usually also less money and as a single parent I'm only just getting by as it is.

I do think trauma changes you, and the way you react to things. And you were probably under so much strain that you weren't really yourself.

Perhaps some sort of counselling or talking therapy would help you understand the reasons why you acted the way you did, and help you to move on.

It sounds as if you were enormously stressed by work.
You are human and we all make mistakes.. shame is a useless emotion. .. some talking over with close friend or colleague may help.
I am constantly amazed to what standards professionals are held to.. you are not allowed to make a mistake. We are all human.. we all make mistakes .
Please forgive yourself.