I witnessed racism tonight and didn’t speak up

[Potteryclass1]

Previously when there has been someone who has expressed racist or homophobic views I have spoken up… eg intervened on a train carriage to say racial language is not acceptable, i’ve asked someone to leave my house. (My husband has a wide group of friends through a common connection and this was a newcomer to the group at a bbq at our house). I have stood up to people at work who have been racist even when my employer wanted to brush it under the carpet. And at the side lines of my son’s football matches I have calmly told a parent to be quiet even though I was told by other I was “making a scene”.

tonight a friend (Zoe) invited me out for a quick afternoon drink. She has been kind to me over the last few years.
She was with 2 friends: one I sort of know and one was new. The new friend was lovely (let’s call her Carol). The lady I sort of know is ok (let’s call her Em), but not my cup of tea.

a friend of Em (the sort-of ok lady) turned up -(let’s call her Lou). My friend Zoe said she wasn’t very keen for Lou to join but Lou had called Em and Em had already told Lou which pub we were in.

Lou spoke about a local family in the most disgusting racist language. The new friend (Carol) was uncomfortable and made an excuse to leave. I knew I should stand up to Lou like I have stood up to racist or homophobic people in the past. But I was paralysed. I am totally ashamed of myself.

i didn't want to upset my kind friend (Zoe). But in doing so I have stood by and allowed disgraceful and prolonged racist language to be spoken about a family I know (to say hello to, but not very well).

I left soon after. 8 hours later I cannot sleep thinking about how I stood by and said nothing.

The horrible feeling now is what makes you do something next time. So sit with the feeling.

And have a think when you can say if something similar happens again. Ranging from overt, challenging and clear to more calm and quiet if you’re in a similar situation with friends.

I’d also call Carol and tell her ‘good for you’ and make sure she knows you’re on her side.

The bad feeling you have now is what you remember to make sure you challenge it next time.

Does that include hyperbole on other people’s suggestions ?

A phrase I’ve used before politely leaving is “I hope you don’t mind me saying, I’m afraid we have very different political beliefs so I think it’s best I call it a night”. Somehow the politeness and understatedness actually shocks other people into leaving or disagreeing more openly. It’s not that you expect to change the racist person’s mind. It’s that you don’t allow racism to be said in public as if it’s a normal thing to say.

Well, now you now why Zoe didn't want Lou to come along!

In an ideal world, you'd have called her out, it sounds like you just froze and in this instance, you didn't. You're human and it happens. Please take off the hair shirt though, your discomfiture is nothing compared to POC who are on the receiving end of this kind of abuse and feels like you're hijacking their experience a little here and making yourself a victim.

I'm all for challenging people, I've done it myself, sometimes in situations where in hindsight, it probably wasn't really safe to do so (ranting drunkard on a train carriage who had the audacity to abuse POC who were clearly commuters munding their own business in the way home from work). I think it's really important, but in reality it doesn't change these people's minds. People who display unconscious or thoughtless racism may well think about their motives or words or actions, but those toxic, blatant types full of hatred will just see you as the problem. You're not going to successfully challenge them.

Keep in mind for next time, that it's fine just to say 'I don't like racist language' and leave. You don't need a full on lecture prepared.

Yes something doesn’t quite ring true…

I just want to thank all the people on this thread who are actually willing to speak up against racism - yourself included OP! You're an ally (even if you feel you didn't manage to combat it directly this time), and your voice & actions matter. It's a relief to see that people do actually give a shit.

You say that what stopped you was that you didnt want to upset your friend Zoe

Next time maybe try " Personally I find your comments offensive and racist. I really dont want to upset anyone or spoil a potentially nice time but I am.not willing to be a part of such conversation!" It's a statement of fact and your friend Zoe has to work out her own response! You speaking up might help her to address it too, as presumably she would agree with you

I’d step in if someone was bothering someone or something but this isnt gonna make any odds to the family, don’t loose any sleep over it. Just make sure you don’t see her again

It happens OP, next time, you'll be more on it.
Don't beat yourself up.

the Hair shirt comment is patronising and unnecessary. At no point did I even suggest I was a victim or make it about me.

This is what I needed to say and do at the time. Thank you.

Because he was a new person in my husbands group that I’d never met before. The invitation to come to my house had come from my husband and I knew my husband supported my decision.
i’d had nothing to drink so my brain was operating clearly without hesitation.
it was in my own house so I felt a sense of authority over what was appropriate and there was nobody to upset by challenging the social element. If anyone was upset then they were also welcome to leave.

You can’t argue with stupid.

I think often you have to be in the right frame of mind to argue with idiots. It’s usually unproductive and can escalate into lots of “but” arguments that you want to be on the ball for so you can shut their nonsense down. Hard when you are tired and have other things going on. Please don’t feel ashamed, not engaging is taking action and you did what you felt you could at the time.

I've been both the person so shocked I've shamed myself later for not speaking up and the person who has spoken up, ranted in fact, and then been accused of over reacting or virtue signalling and ruining everyone's night. I still find the second option much easier to live with even if I'm not universally liked as a result.

It’s just extremely difficult to do in the moment sometimes. I have actually done bystander training on how to deal with racism in public because otherwise it is difficult to know the best thing to do.

in a situation like this, I’d avoid saying they are racist. . You could say something like, I know X and I don’t agree with you. Or something about a shared value you might have with X’s family - I don’t like stereotyping people because of the colour of their skin. Or something appropriate to what they said. The racist in question is a lost cause but your goal is to avoid normalising racism and have influence over the other people around you. Rather than just getting cross.

But I do think you need to have a plan, otherwise, even the best meaning of us gets tongue tied.

This sits as the right approach next time, as well as messaging the person who left and the mutual friend
and I hope I would do the same

Ah, this is the way the stupid people in this country are going. They prefer hate and ignorance to a decent country.

You did what you did to avoid a scene caused by a stranger when you were with a good friend. New Years Eve - festive spirit - no time to try to convince a violent racist that they are wrong. You did defend the family properly without causing a stink, don't feel bad. Zoe didn't like Lou much anyway so now she knows to avoid her !

Leaving at the same time as her friend is not causing a scene.

"Yeah, I'll be off now too".

🤷‍♂️

basically? you do what you have done before: you bite the bullet and say that it is racist, it is unacceptable, and then you leave. Not quite sure why you were that bothered about upsetting anyone, especially when one person had already left because of the racism.

But anyway it is done.
I would also be messaging my friend and saying that if the racist ever turns up at a meetup again, i would leave if they weren't told to go.

Whatever you had said would have been wrong because you can’t argue with idiots (and there are a lot of them around at the moment, emboldened by right wing extremism).

I’d probably just mention to the others that it made me feel very uncomfortable and be glad that you know to ignore and avoid this idiotic woman in the future.