Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

DH and his creepy fingers!

28 replies

Changedforthis2025 · 31/12/2025 16:37

This is going to sound weird but it is seriously getting on my nerves and I don't really know what to do.

Let me just start by saying DH is great, works hard, shares the load (mostly), fantastic involved dad etc etc.

However, he does this one thing which is really pissing me off. When we are in bed asleep and he wants to touch me/put his arm around me/hug me etc (not for sex just for affection) he doesn't just put his hand on me, he sort of 'walks' his fingers over me to get where he wants to be and it creeps me out. I feel like he is some sort of sex pest trying to sneakily touch me instead of a loving husband. He only does it in the night and it's just weird. It makes me so angry. He did it this morning as he put his hand across my waist and I actually moved his hand away and said, 'Don't do the silly tickle thing..just put your hand there.' I think I have hurt his feelings now because I was pissed off and quite short.

It's such a daft thing but it makes me think of Jimmy Savile trying to touch up a young girl and now I've thought of that each time it gives me the ick and then if he does want to be intimate in the morning, I'm pissed off and icked but he doesn't understand why. I'm just not sure why he does it, if he thinks its all cute? But how do I have a conversation about something so daft?!

OP posts:
LilyFeather · 31/12/2025 16:39

Just tell him it freaks you out, puts you in mind of jimmy savile and that’s not conducive to any sex type feelings!

just be blunt. He’ll get over it

WonsWoo · 31/12/2025 16:39

It’s not daft if it bothers you and his only response should be to stop doing it.

CalmShaker · 31/12/2025 16:41

I'd start divorce proceedings. New Year, new husband.

gamerchick · 31/12/2025 16:42

I think I'd find that irritating as well tbh.

If he mulls it over and keeps on doing it then you'll be justified in giving him a proper telling off. Be blunt, even if it does hurt feelings. He needs to knock it off.

However not wanting to be touched can signal issues elsewhere.

AphroditesSeashell · 31/12/2025 16:42

In Marian Keyes novels she refers to men who do this kind of thing as 'feathery strokers' and the female characters widely scoff at the feathery stroker antics and despair at how vag-dryingly yuck it is.
YANBU to find it off putting!

WarmGreyHare · 31/12/2025 16:42

Maybe don't tell him it makes you feel like he's a predator as an opening attempt....
Tell him it's a sensory thing and the finger thing/ tickling creeps you out, please just put your hand on you? Or if he doesn't want to just grab, would stroking the back of his knuckles over you instead be ok? It sounds weird in writing but I hope you know what I mean! Less poky than finger walking

ArseSkinForAFriend · 31/12/2025 16:45

I feel like he is some sort of sex pest trying to sneakily touch me instead of a loving husband.

Maybe he does touch you sexually in your sleep and he's trying to gauge how awake you are?

<< Shudders >>

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 31/12/2025 16:47

Just tell him? You can't help that you don't like it, and it does sound weird.

TerrorAustralis · 31/12/2025 16:47

Is this a recent thing? It seems strange if it’s something he’s just started, or something that has just started bothering you, or even more strange, something that has always bothered you and you have never mentioned to him.

Whichever of the three scenarios it is, fuck me, Mumsnet is such a strange place that you’re posting about this instead of talking to him about it.

cramptramp · 31/12/2025 16:51

Marion Keyes the author had a name for this. Feathery strokery. I know exactly what you mean and I told my husband that I hated it the first time he did it.

Readyforarefresh · 31/12/2025 16:53

When I read things like this I can never understand why the person hasn’t spoken up sooner instead of letting it get to the point of snapping.

Why haven’t you just told him that you don’t like it?

You don’t have to mention Jimmy Saville but just say “dh I really don’t like it when you do that to instigate sex, can you do x, y or z instead?”

It’s perfectly reasonable to not like being touched in a certain way.

Endofyear · 31/12/2025 16:53

If you don't like it, tell him to stop! Just tell him you don't like the way it feels and surely he won't want to touch you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable?

Readyforarefresh · 31/12/2025 16:57

Also it’s not ‘daft’ to dislike being touched in a certain way. Certain things give me the ick.

Luckyingame · 31/12/2025 16:57

Well, another fantastic man.
Look, OP, my husband is also great, thanks to him I never had to worry about anything, including working.
And no, he doesn't do such stuff (partly because he is significantly older), but if he did, I would knock his paw off. At my age, I don't have any tolerance for stuff like this.
So tell him, and if it falls on deaf ears, get rid of him.
Yes, extravagant. I don't care.

brightnails · 31/12/2025 17:55

AphroditesSeashell · 31/12/2025 16:42

In Marian Keyes novels she refers to men who do this kind of thing as 'feathery strokers' and the female characters widely scoff at the feathery stroker antics and despair at how vag-dryingly yuck it is.
YANBU to find it off putting!

that’s not what a “feathery stroker” was at all! a FS was a male date/partner who a bit too romantic/slow/ passive in the bedroom won’t take the lead etc not an actual sex pest! @AphroditesSeashell

ohyesido · 31/12/2025 18:08

I imagine that feels like a spider or other multi legged creature crawling on you. I think you were very restrained, I think I’d be grabbing a fly swat

ginasevern · 31/12/2025 18:08

Why on earth does he keep doing it if it has the opposite of the desired affect? It's obviously a habit he's finding very hard to break, or he's got some preconceived idea of what women actually enjoy. I think you'll really have to lay it on the line OP. Just tell him that you don't like the feel of it and you find it a total turn off. But start the conversation away from the bedroom and don't totally destroy his confidence if he's otherwise a good guy.

PlanBFertility · 31/12/2025 18:10

AphroditesSeashell · 31/12/2025 16:42

In Marian Keyes novels she refers to men who do this kind of thing as 'feathery strokers' and the female characters widely scoff at the feathery stroker antics and despair at how vag-dryingly yuck it is.
YANBU to find it off putting!

HOWLING!

2025 has been made better by this comment alone

AphroditesSeashell · 31/12/2025 18:12

brightnails · 31/12/2025 17:55

that’s not what a “feathery stroker” was at all! a FS was a male date/partner who a bit too romantic/slow/ passive in the bedroom won’t take the lead etc not an actual sex pest! @AphroditesSeashell

Show quote history

Eh....nope.

Feathery Stroker came from one of the Walsh sisters dating a man who did a feathery strokey motion...with his fingers...just like the OPs husband.

The fact you've read it as his being a sexual predator is a bit of a leap. They are married and at no point has he sexually assaulted the OP, as far as she's told us, anyway. He's just initiating the intimacy in a way she doesnt like, that she said gives her Jimmy Saville connotations. She hasn't said hes actually done anything similar to Jimmy Saville FFS

Original poster
Changedforthis2025 · 01/01/2026 13:34

Thanks everyone. He isn't actually a sex pest! Let me make that clear. I think he is trying to be all gentle but I can't stand that. It's me that feels like it's weird and off putting. Do you know that teenage film trope where the young couple are at the cinema and the boy is trying to sneakily put his arm round her? It kind of feels like that.
Anyway, good news is, he put his arm round me very normally last night! He had had a few drinks and we were staying with friends so I hope it wasn't just a one off under unusual circumstances and my bluntness yesterday actually had an effect.

I think the reason I haven't brought it up before is that, because it happens in the night when we are both half asleep, it's not really the time to start a conversation and then, in the day time, I'm either not thinking about it or it just seems odd to bring it up randomly.

OP posts:
Colourbrain · 01/01/2026 13:43

Just raise it, I don't think it's a big deal at all to talk about it. I wonder if he feels a bit unsure or something in the night and is worried about your response so it comes across as a bit teenage boy but just tell him to go for it. Otherwise he will continue to be unsure and you are continuing to be unsure by posting on here. Just talk like 2 adults.

LilyFeather · 01/01/2026 20:04

Are you peri menopausal by any chance? It’s the type of thing that would really really piss off a menopausal woman!

Thepossibility · 01/01/2026 20:37

I know the feeling but I haven't been able to put it into words! I also get irritated when DH uses a soft spoken mumbly voice that I think he assumes is his nice and kind voice.
I like a man who speaks confidently, not one that I have to stop what I'm doing and lean in to hear.
No tickly soft touches, no mumbly soft voice! And the worst thing is he does it for my benefit somehow?
Of course I can't say anything because I'd sound like an irrational bitch.

Dollyfloss · 01/01/2026 20:39

I’d have put a stop to that the very first time he did it - ew!

Im getting secondhand Ick on your behalf.

Dollyfloss · 01/01/2026 20:40

Thepossibility · 01/01/2026 20:37

I know the feeling but I haven't been able to put it into words! I also get irritated when DH uses a soft spoken mumbly voice that I think he assumes is his nice and kind voice.
I like a man who speaks confidently, not one that I have to stop what I'm doing and lean in to hear.
No tickly soft touches, no mumbly soft voice! And the worst thing is he does it for my benefit somehow?
Of course I can't say anything because I'd sound like an irrational bitch.

I actually don’t understand these kinds of relationships. If you’re going to spend your life with someone and they’re constantly doing something that irritates the hell out of you surely it’s better to bring it up?