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Original poster

Unplanned DC3, what to do?!

29 replies

eradaniois · 30/12/2025 23:17

Please be really gentle with me as I’m struggling a lot at the moment

I have 2 DC, I’m not with their dad and they see him every fortnight. For backstory, I had my oldest very young (21) and was in a very unhappy relationship, I was utterly miserable, lost my identity completely, I was in a crap housing situation and never enjoyed/soaked in the baby stage with either DC due to these reasons. Life is very very different for me now compared to back then.

I have a lovely partner, I’m very happy with him, DC absolutely adore him. We’d spoken about potentially having a child a few years from now but no plans to rush into anything. we really enjoy our time alone together, travelling, last minute trips away etc.

I was on the pill but last month I found out I was pregnant. Immediate reaction was dread and booking an appointment for a termination, it wouldn’t be wise to have a baby, I’m in a 2 bed and unlikely to move anytime soon, I am already regularly overwhelmed with 2dc especially as my oldest is autistic, I would need a bigger car, I’d struggle financially (not hugely but it would affect number of trips out to soft play and days our etc)

dp is fantastic with my dc, he’d make a fantastic dad and I would love the chance to redo having a baby but this time with someone I love and when I’m happy in life and can appreciate everything however it was not the plan yet, I’ve recently found myself again and enjoy the independence I have when the dc are at their dads and the ability to have a lie in

i went to the clinic for my pre surgery appointment recently and they did a scan and I asked to see it and I couldn’t stop crying and haven’t stopped since the appointment, I think I’d been ignoring it a bit and putting it to threst back of my mind until then and seeing it made it more real

they gave me a tablet to take before the surgery and I just can’t take it. The practical side of me knows it’s the right thing to do but the emotional side of me feels really defensive and protective and like nothing else matters.

please be kind but do give some advice if you have any

OP posts:
WillowIvy · 30/12/2025 23:24

I don’t have any advice of this happening to me but I do have a friend it happened to. They have a beautiful 2 year old toddler now. Have you spoken to your partner about the pregnancy?

mamabeth · 30/12/2025 23:49

You are thinking back to the first time, and all the trauma that came with being a mum in difficult circumstances . Don't make any decisions just yet. You are having doubts, and need to think it through. Hope things work out for you.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 30/12/2025 23:50

It sounds to me like you want your baby. 🤷‍♀️
You did say you are in a different position now. You have a good partner. You've discussed children as a possibility. Sometimes things happen unexpectedly and I think you've just been caught off guard.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
NuffSaidSam · 30/12/2025 23:54

I think your reaction to the scan picture indicates that a termination wouldn't be the right choice for you emotionally or psychologically.

I don't think the practical reasons (you like your freedom, you only have two bedrooms, you wouldn't be able to go to softplay as often) are insurmountable if you did go ahead.

How does your DP feel about it? Do you think you could move to a bigger place within two years? Could you start to save now to give you a bit of a financial cushion?

Nightlight8 · 31/12/2025 00:00

How old is your youngest? Money and lack of space is enough for me for it to be a no OP. 3 kids sharing a room and with 1 child with additional needs. Do you live with your partner?

hsmith77 · 31/12/2025 00:00

Hi OP. I was in your position and as much as I wanted to terminate because it was the “practical solution” I too couldn’t take the pill. My daughter is now 6 months and I’m so glad I have her. Even though it’s a struggle, she’s worth it and somehow she gives me the strength to keep going. I’m taking better care of her and her siblings and even managed a coffee date the other day! You sound like how I felt and I’m here to tell you, children bring their own blessings and yes life will be tough for a year or two but then you’ll be home free! Also you have a darling partner by the sounds of it so won’t be on your own! Good luck with whichever decision you make hun x fingers crossed for you x

BrinkWomanship · 31/12/2025 00:16

Nightlight8 · 31/12/2025 00:00

How old is your youngest? Money and lack of space is enough for me for it to be a no OP. 3 kids sharing a room and with 1 child with additional needs. Do you live with your partner?

This. Your energy and resources should be spent on the children you already have, not the dream of a re-do. I don’t mean to sound harsh and you can allow yourself time and space to be regretful and sad, but the ball of cells in your body isn’t your priority - your existing children are.

MyNeedyLilacBird · 31/12/2025 00:51

Your existing children need to be your priority and while some things are better than the last times you had your babies, things still aren't perfect so you may still not get to experience the enjoyable baby period you crave.

Housing and money and the effect on your current children are massive things that you really need to consider and out to the forefront of your mind. In your shoes I would absolutely not go ahead with the pregnancy

Mrsnothingthanks · 31/12/2025 00:58

What is your work and housing situation, OP? Does partner live with you?

TotallyKerplunked · 31/12/2025 01:37

This was me 8 years ago, I weighed all the pros and cons and went to the clinic to have a termination. They refused to perform it due to my blood pressure and I went home devastated and continued with the pregnancy.
It was a mixture of fear and practicality that made me make that decision to abort and I wouldn't have regretted it however if I'd had a supportive partner I dont think I would've seriously considered a termination in the first place as every other issue can be managed. My DC3 is now here, loved and the compromises sometimes were hard but worth it.
You need a serious chat with your DP re the practicalities of your particular situation, good luck with whatever you decide.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 31/12/2025 04:19

My advice always is to follow your heart. If you want this baby you can make it work, circumstances may not be perfect but it will be OK. We aren't looking at poverty here, just less disposable income. I think your DP needs to be involved here, I don't think this decision should be yours alone.

Iocanepowder · 31/12/2025 04:24

I would be on the practical side of this op and would consider possible long term struggles your family would face with 3 kids in 1 bedroom and financial struggles etc.

Holdonforsummer · 31/12/2025 07:04

How many weeks are you? Could you postpone the surgery and sit with your feelings for a couple of weeks? Termination providers are used to women doing this and don’t mind if you change your mind a few times. Good luck

Original poster
eradaniois · 31/12/2025 17:55

WillowIvy · 30/12/2025 23:24

I don’t have any advice of this happening to me but I do have a friend it happened to. They have a beautiful 2 year old toddler now. Have you spoken to your partner about the pregnancy?

Yes I have, we’ve both known for over a month and have been having constant discussions about what to do and are both really torn but both for different reasons, the things I’m worried about he isn’t and the things he’s worried about aren’t things I’ve considered

OP posts:
Original poster
eradaniois · 31/12/2025 17:56

NuffSaidSam · 30/12/2025 23:54

I think your reaction to the scan picture indicates that a termination wouldn't be the right choice for you emotionally or psychologically.

I don't think the practical reasons (you like your freedom, you only have two bedrooms, you wouldn't be able to go to softplay as often) are insurmountable if you did go ahead.

How does your DP feel about it? Do you think you could move to a bigger place within two years? Could you start to save now to give you a bit of a financial cushion?

I definitely think we could move within 2-3 years

OP posts:
Original poster
eradaniois · 31/12/2025 17:57

Holdonforsummer · 31/12/2025 07:04

How many weeks are you? Could you postpone the surgery and sit with your feelings for a couple of weeks? Termination providers are used to women doing this and don’t mind if you change your mind a few times. Good luck

I’m 10 weeks, I’ve been just putting it to the back of my mind for the last month and I’m worried the longer I leave it the less I’d be comfortable with terminating

OP posts:
Mrsnothingthanks · 31/12/2025 17:58

@eradaniois * *Are you both working? What's your current housing situation, OP?

Original poster
eradaniois · 31/12/2025 17:58

hsmith77 · 31/12/2025 00:00

Hi OP. I was in your position and as much as I wanted to terminate because it was the “practical solution” I too couldn’t take the pill. My daughter is now 6 months and I’m so glad I have her. Even though it’s a struggle, she’s worth it and somehow she gives me the strength to keep going. I’m taking better care of her and her siblings and even managed a coffee date the other day! You sound like how I felt and I’m here to tell you, children bring their own blessings and yes life will be tough for a year or two but then you’ll be home free! Also you have a darling partner by the sounds of it so won’t be on your own! Good luck with whichever decision you make hun x fingers crossed for you x

Thank you for your lovely message :)

OP posts:
Original poster
eradaniois · 31/12/2025 18:00

Mrsnothingthanks · 31/12/2025 00:58

What is your work and housing situation, OP? Does partner live with you?

Both working, me very part time with no savings and DP has considerably more than me. I’m in a really lovely housing association property (because of the crappy housing situation I was in years ago when DC were born) and would be worried about giving up that security however the wait for a 3 bed would be 10+ years

OP posts:
Mrsnothingthanks · 31/12/2025 18:02

@eradaniois How old are your kids?

redskydelight · 31/12/2025 18:04

I know this is an emotional decision, but you need to think about your children (your existing ones and potential future one) first.

You are not married to the child's father - do you have financial stability if you split up?
You say that you will have to sacrifice days out and soft play if you have a third child. That makes me think your children are young - they only get more expensive as they get older - if your income reasonably likely to go up in the next few years?

Do you have physical and emotional space for 3 children? Will you end up wearing yourself ragged?

You can't send a child back. Please think carefully that you are able to able to give them the life they (and their siblings) deserve.

Mrsnothingthanks · 31/12/2025 18:06

Also, no idea how it works with HA, but if your partner moves in and earns well, do you still keep the house?
I personally wouldn't entertain 3 kids in a 2 bed, especially as you say one of your existing children has additional needs. I don't think it would be fair on them at all.
Are you currently on benefits? You may well end up losing these if partner moves in so be very careful.

Keroppi · 31/12/2025 18:09

What's the layout of your house? Could you create extra bedroom or split a bedroom in two? What are the ages of your kids and yourself?
Think it really depends on if you could maybe move to a shared ownership even or if you can move to a different career or role that will give you more financial freedom..

Do you live together, is he on your rent agreement? Are you better off financially being apart ? I would be worried about giving up the security of a house etc
If he is wanting to buy together and do it properly or rent together then perhaps that would be OK. Have you talked about marriage? How long have you been together?

Babies slot in but going up a car and house space is very hard, and you don't sound in the best financial state really. In my honest opinion

Original poster
eradaniois · 31/12/2025 18:47

redskydelight · 31/12/2025 18:04

I know this is an emotional decision, but you need to think about your children (your existing ones and potential future one) first.

You are not married to the child's father - do you have financial stability if you split up?
You say that you will have to sacrifice days out and soft play if you have a third child. That makes me think your children are young - they only get more expensive as they get older - if your income reasonably likely to go up in the next few years?

Do you have physical and emotional space for 3 children? Will you end up wearing yourself ragged?

You can't send a child back. Please think carefully that you are able to able to give them the life they (and their siblings) deserve.

You are not married to the child's father - do you have financial stability if you split up?

I’d be able to manage alone and will be moving into a better job in the next year

You say that you will have to sacrifice days out and soft play if you have a third child. That makes me think your children are young - they only get more expensive as they get older - if your income reasonably likely to go up in the next few years?

they’re primary age, income will be going up, we manage at the moment and they don’t want for anything, we have lots of days out etc

Do you have physical and emotional space for 3 children? Will you end up wearing yourself ragged?

this is what dp is worried about, I’m easily overwhelmed and overstimulated with them however I am also doing it by myself and so if I’m raising this child with dp it would be different. Although there’s still the possibility of me ending up doing it all alone in the future anyway

OP posts:
Mrsnothingthanks · 31/12/2025 18:49

@eradaniois What would bedroom arrangements look like?