Unplanned DC3, what to do?!

[eradaniois]

Please be really gentle with me as I’m struggling a lot at the moment

I have 2 DC, I’m not with their dad and they see him every fortnight. For backstory, I had my oldest very young (21) and was in a very unhappy relationship, I was utterly miserable, lost my identity completely, I was in a crap housing situation and never enjoyed/soaked in the baby stage with either DC due to these reasons. Life is very very different for me now compared to back then.

I have a lovely partner, I’m very happy with him, DC absolutely adore him. We’d spoken about potentially having a child a few years from now but no plans to rush into anything. we really enjoy our time alone together, travelling, last minute trips away etc.

I was on the pill but last month I found out I was pregnant. Immediate reaction was dread and booking an appointment for a termination, it wouldn’t be wise to have a baby, I’m in a 2 bed and unlikely to move anytime soon, I am already regularly overwhelmed with 2dc especially as my oldest is autistic, I would need a bigger car, I’d struggle financially (not hugely but it would affect number of trips out to soft play and days our etc)

dp is fantastic with my dc, he’d make a fantastic dad and I would love the chance to redo having a baby but this time with someone I love and when I’m happy in life and can appreciate everything however it was not the plan yet, I’ve recently found myself again and enjoy the independence I have when the dc are at their dads and the ability to have a lie in

i went to the clinic for my pre surgery appointment recently and they did a scan and I asked to see it and I couldn’t stop crying and haven’t stopped since the appointment, I think I’d been ignoring it a bit and putting it to threst back of my mind until then and seeing it made it more real

they gave me a tablet to take before the surgery and I just can’t take it. The practical side of me knows it’s the right thing to do but the emotional side of me feels really defensive and protective and like nothing else matters.

please be kind but do give some advice if you have any

Yes I’d still be able to keep the house, it’s a lifetime tenancy regardless of income changes etc which is why I’d be worried about giving it up

Yes I get some UC and get DLA for my SEN child too and I believe my UC would stop

At the moment DC share a large bedroom, I guess my plan would be for DC3 to be in my bedroom until 1.5 (that’s what both children did with me previously) but I can’t see a way around 3 sharing a bedroom so that’s one of my big worries

@eradaniois * *Could you move to a bigger house if both you and partner pool finances? If it's not a lot of UC you'd lose then doable?

Aww OP, sending you a hug as I can feel from your first post how torn you are and how much you’re struggling with this.
Not quite the same but at the start of this year I also fell pregnant unplanned in less than ideal circumstances. My instant reaction was absolute panic, I had a million reasons I couldn’t/didn’t want to do it again. Within a couple of days of finding out I was on the phone to BPAS - they sent me the abortion pills, I put them in a drawer and basically flip-flopped back and forth for weeks on whether or not to take them. I was so torn, OH was super supportive, I just didn’t know what to do. In the end I was literally a day or so off the time limit for the at home pills and I took the first one and instantly had SO much regret. All the reasons I had for not wanting another suddenly vanished and I felt like the worst person in the entire universe - it was honestly the worst thing I’ve ever done and I couldn’t believe I’d been capable of it. I am vehemently, adamantly pro-choice by the way and I’m NOT saying that this is how all people should or will feel - just to warn you that if you’re not sure, you could end up with a LOT of regret if you do choose to abort. I thought it would be one of those things where there’s no right option and whatever you decide is ok, but no - turns out that, for me at least, being unsure meant that to go ahead was very much the wrong option.
I took the first pill, had an absolute emotional meltdown, bawled my eyes out for days and didn’t take any of the rest of the pills they’d sent. And baby made it through - I’m typing this now while holding 1-month-old DC5 and I am so, SO grateful that she’s here with us now. All the reasons not to go ahead were surmountable and finite and she is so very loved and adored.
I don’t want to say what I’d do in your situation, because only you can decide that OP. But I would say that if you were already open to having another in a few years, for every con of doing it now there are probably an equal number of pros - and that you can still have your freedom, weekends away etc - doing things with just one child (especially if NT) is fun and still feels like a break. It doesn’t have to be either or - you can have the best of both worlds. And I would also say that having kids with a present, involved parent and supportive partner (my DC1, 2 and 3 are with utterly useless exh, DC4 and 5 are with now OH) has been a revelation. I love all my DC but the experience of having 4 and 5 has been vastly more enjoyable than having 1, 2 and 3 and I’m so glad I didn’t miss out on it - the simple joy of having a baby with someone who actually has your back is magical and has made me love OH all the more.