One child families the norm

[onechildthenorm]

Nearly everyone I know only has one child. Out of the original six in my antenatal group, only two went on to have another child, my sons best friend is an only child, I have two colleagues at work with a child the same age as my older child and only one has a second.

I realise it’s a fairly small handful but it does mean I feel chaotic and to be honest a bit lonely a lot of the time. I know the obvious ‘answer’ is to find two child families but somehow it’s hard to do. I am just wondering if anyone else has experienced similar.

For me the norm is being surrounded by childfree people. I have 1 and feel isolated as I struggled to make mum friends, work full-time and any family, friends or work acquaintances are childfree, many in their 40s like me.

I’m fortunate though my DD makes friends easily at childcare and spends all day with her friends. I need to take a leaf out of her book and try harder myself.

I’d add – sorry, you’re probably quite sick of me on your thread by now – that in my experience some of that lovely first baby bubble friendship stuff can’t be recreated. I wish it could be bottled! You can have a wonderful, deep, fulfilling friendships but I’m not sure they would have the same tenor.

Yes indeed and it’s something that’s hard as they move on and I’m left behind <violin I know>

It is gruelling with small children and I do feel a bit like as I leave one phase with ds I enter it with dd so feels a bit like living the last two years on repeat! It isn’t forever though. And dd actually played independently for a bit at a soft play place a few days ago so got to briefly chat to a friend!

In Bradford that’s because there’s a very high percentage of Asian people , it’s well publicised that they have more children than ‘ white British ‘ families .

I felt like this a lot when I had my second baby. None of my friends had yet had a second and I really felt a lot more chaotic and stressed than they did (even though day to day I was managing having two quite well looking back). They would want to meet up places that were tricky for me to take a 2 year old and a baby on my own. It did mean I had to get better at coping with these sort of things though!

By the time I was having my third baby quite a few friends were now having their second one. I think a 3-4 year gap is a lot more common now if you’re going to have a second. It seemed hilarious to me that they thought I was some sort of “expert” 😂

Having my third baby meant two of my friends who still had only children stopped speaking to me after I told them I was pregnant with no explanation. It was very hurtful and upsetting but now almost 3 years on I think that perhaps it was for the best.

I often wish I had friends who had three children so that i didn’t always feel like I’m the one with the circus. Life is definitely better now that the majority of my friends have two kids and have had to experience how that changes your parenting and that you have to let go of some things. Even if they haven’t quite reached the same level of madness as me yet 🤭

I think I know what you mean @onechildthenorm. I found it very easy to hang out with those who had a young child and then a baby as the older ones could play together or at least in parallel and the mums could sit and look after the baby. It’s easier to emphasise. And yes, understand more about the chaos of 2 small children!

Stay and plays are a good way to find those with 2 IMO. Mums are desperate to entertain the older one whilst getting a cup of tea at the same time.

I was lucky I suppose in that many people I know had 2 at a similar time so just ended up hanging out with them. Most people where I am, it seems (midlands) have 2. And that’s the white families too.

Op i have 2 little kids and i definitely couldn’t give a fuck how many kids other people have. I’ve also made friends with people who have no kids. It really doesn’t matter. It just takes a bond with someone. Alternatively i’ve met lots of mums with more than 1 child and just haven’t gelled.

2 of my close friends stuck at 1 child because of awful birth experiences due to shit NHS care and staff. I don’t blame them.

I have one child by choose, all of my friends have 2 or more, one even has 5. If makes absolutely no difference to our friendships I've never even questioned it. The only time it is mentioned was when he went away on his school residential and they commented how lucky that we then had a few days child free. I don't understand why you think it affects friendships.

@Iocanepowder it really isn’t about that. It isn’t about looking at people with one child and caring about that in the sense that I assume we won’t have anything in common. Anything that makes you ‘unique’ can be isolating, even if it isn’t unique at all but happens to be amongst your contemporaries. tbh I may have misinterpreted your reply a bit but I was a bit taken aback at it, it came over quite strongly, bordering on aggressive.

@MumNotBro hmm I think it can look easy, it’s harder to run after a toddler with a baby, feeding and so on has to be taken into account. But mine are long past that, my youngest is two.

@ffdsrgb after finding one child relatively easy after having two I do wonder if mums with three or more find two comparatively easy!

Well, I have tried to explain. But to give an example, our children recently turned five and various birthday parties were had. The other mums got to sit and chat and catch up while I couldn’t as I was with my toddler. Not her fault, not their fault, no one’s fault, but it does set you apart as those friendships continue to develop and grow while you endlessly relive the last two/three years.

It’s being at a different stage. It’s just a coincidence and if they’d gone on to have second children as statistically most would, it would be different again, but because that’s not what had happened here it does affect friendships a bit.

I get it’s tricky but i think your example isn’t a 1 child family issue, it’s a childcare issue. I have 2 kids and my 5 year old is invited to parties where siblings are not. So we arrange in advance for DH to look after DC2.

Do you have a partner who can look after your toddler?

If you find a convo tricky at a party for example, can you maybe suggest a playdate with someone for a future weekend?

As with most things there’s ways around any one thing but it all adds up. I can’t pretend I don’t have a toddler I guess (I know you’re not suggesting I should.)

Can we swap? Were the only people I know with an only where I am, which is getting really lonely 😢 I think it must be area specific!

I think you’ll find things will change though. As your eldest gets into school and clubs you may find they make friends with children who have younger siblings, as a result you may end up then having play dates with that child and their mum. As your youngest grows older and starts nursery/school, things change again. Friendships constantly evolve when you have children. Fwiw I have two. Pretty much all my close friends have 3 or more. It’s never made any difference to our friendships. You just adapt.
(Also, next time your child goes to a birthday party leave the youngest at home if possible. Means you can actually have a break and chat to other mums).

I think there’s a difference between regular friends you have outside of kids, and friends centred around the children. Maybe the reason people are saying here that number of kids doesn’t affect their friendships is because they’re talking about friendships that exist outside the children. Whereas OP is talking about mum specific friends.

I only have one, and I do find that my child-specific friendships are heavily affected by differing numbers of children. They have less freedom to do the kind of things my son and I want to do that cater to his age only. Their lives revolve around small child issues and routines that I’ve not had to think about for years. Talking about babies and toddlers is very boring if you don’t have one yourself. And it’s hard to develop a relationship when they have a baby or toddler attached to them or having to go and play with them in the toddler only area etc.

But the friendships I work on away from the children aren’t impacted by the number of children.

Thanks (I think …) @CloverPyramid . It’s true I probably am quite boring! But yes, the things you mention are all an issue and I’m sure you can see how it is difficult to manage being the ‘only one’ with two.