One child families the norm

[onechildthenorm]

Nearly everyone I know only has one child. Out of the original six in my antenatal group, only two went on to have another child, my sons best friend is an only child, I have two colleagues at work with a child the same age as my older child and only one has a second.

I realise it’s a fairly small handful but it does mean I feel chaotic and to be honest a bit lonely a lot of the time. I know the obvious ‘answer’ is to find two child families but somehow it’s hard to do. I am just wondering if anyone else has experienced similar.

NCT? On average the Mum’s attending NCT will be having their child later in life so are more likely to only have 1 child.

That's very much not the case with our friends and family. We only have 1 and we're definitely in the minority amongst our friends and family. Most have 2.

Within our NCT group, we've kept in touch with 5 other families. 4 of them have had a second. The other family with only 1 had a late pregnancy loss when the kids were 3 and couldn't face trying again so they would have had 2 kids by choice.

The majority of families we know have 2 or 3. One child families are a big minority so it's not unusual but it's not the norm. You'd think one child families would be more common as we're in inner London.

It does seem I’ve been a bit unlucky, as while I know logically having two children is a normal thing to do in my world it doesn’t seem to be!

One child is common in families that earn too much to get benefits but don’t earn enough to afford more children.

I think most of my school and uni friends have 1 or 2, most of my school Mom friends have 2 or 3. we have 3 but we only planned 2. twins....

I can imagine twins being similar in the sense that it’s quite different to many and most people can’t really relate. There was a thread on here ages ago about it; might see if I can find it.

I am an only child and a lot of my friends are only ones too. Although, looking back when I was a child I can’t recall anyone else at school being an only one. In fact a lot of my classmates came from large families.
I see a lot of women having children with older men who already have children. That wasn’t a thing when I was at school, I don’t recall a single blended family.
Also dads weren’t as old as they are now, they had children younger so maybe they had more children.
I don’t think there is a typical family anymore. Maybe the average is 2 children but like I said lots of men just father children with several different women. These are not friends by the way, I see this through work.

The average is less than two children - 1.7 - 1.9 according to google - but that’s obviously skewed by some women not having children at all so it evens out. I haven’t personally experienced the dads scattering their seeds far and wide but I am sure it is a thing!

I have 3 under 5 the most out of my friendship group and I do much more enjoy spending time with families with the same amount of chaos so I hear what you’re saying op. When I see my best friend who I adore she has one child and I often leave feeling frazzled as hell as I’ve been running around 3x what she has for various , obviously was my choice.
my 2 eldest are at private school and majority there have 2/3/4/5 kids

Here we are the outliers in having just one child. Do they go to any clubs like swimming/scouts etc? Extending their world and the parents you meet i am sure you would meet others.

A lot of people are having children later now, which does not lend itself well to more than one. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying older parents aren’t able, I’m just saying they often have more “serious” careers which need more attention and in turn have less time for domestic matters. Also childcare costs. My god the childcare costs.

@Octofluffs I do meet in passing but honestly I think it is very hard to turn those casual acquaintances from groups and classes into friendships. Perhaps that’s why NCT is popular as it’s more overt that you’re all getting into it to make friends. I guess for me it felt a bit like we all did two and a half years of parenting, things are just starting to get a bit easier and then wham I was back in the newborn trenches again and a distance opened up where previously I’d been walking alongside them suddenly I was miles back, literally and metaphorically! That feeling has never really gone away. I don’t know if it would have if I did know more people with two children (or more) perhaps it would. I’m slowly making new links but it does take a lot of time.

@mrssunshinexxx i can relate … a little bit was sitting with his parents at a cafe a week or so ago and looked so calm. Although you don’t know for sure.

I think, to answer your question OP, that the way to feel less lonely/chaotic is to invite some of these onlies for playdates (with without parents, depending on ages) - they’ll be happy to have company, you’ll be less lonely and the chaos that results will put your usual chaos into perspective! I sound flippant but I am not.

Mostly siblings here, and the onlies seem to be in single parent households or to be quite high needs. But I think the overall trend is lower birth rates because of cost etc.

Honestly its really common.

Im in London... id say half or more stuck at 1 due to fertility and or insane cost.

I specifically went to baby classes with no2 looking for mums with an older child. I got lucky and found 2 women and we go out now every couple of months with the 6 kids oldest are 3-4 and babies are 20-24m
It's much easier.

I do have play dates with single kids for oldest too but I definitely feel more understood by mums of 2 with smallish gaps.

These 2 yrs have been A LOT. I am coming out the woods a bit with it now and when oldest starts school I think it will get easier.l again. (Whilst simultaneously being harder)

That’s not really what I’m saying @13RidgmontRoad . I have to admit I’m a bit confused by that as having a five year old round to play is not going to help me feel less lonely in managing the needs and responsibilities of having two children!

Lonely isn’t just ‘I am alone’ it’s that feeling of isolation where you feel like you’re the only one experiencing something. I feel very out of sync with those around me is what I’m saying, I suppose.

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp my eldest started school this year and it has been a lot easier and this holiday has reminded me how truly horrific last year was but it is still a juggle managing needs.

OP to put it bluntly you had a second child when many cannot (and this may include people in your group), it’s not a bad thing. You are fortunate.

Choosing to see it something to feel “lonely” about is odd to me. I had a group of women I see who all have children younger than my second child. I’m the only one with an older child. It’s different but not a negative thing.

I understand. I just wonder if you might be acting in quite a rigid way in (as it sounds) looking for only parents of two+ kids to connect with because that would be less lonely / foster more connection (is that right?).

I have twins and a singleton. I found the twins groups incredibly tiresome - there’s a lot of oooh, aren’t we special? when I just wanted to feel normal and part of social groups because I got on with them as people rather than how many eggs my body chucked out x years ago. I have friends based on proximity, on the school gates, on work, volunteering, meeting in the local park again and again, having a shared outlook on life, NCT pals who I gelled with.

I don’t necessarily think that looking for families with the same configuration as yours is your answer to loneliness really. I’m sorry.

Interestingly your experience will depend on how you meet these families.

If you as a mum meet other mums, you are equally likely to meet mums of 1 or 2 kids.

if you are meeting them because your kids are friends, you are more likely to meet two-child families as these families have two children in school instead of one.

imagine a school containing just 15 children from 5 families. There is one family with one child, one family with two, one family with three, a family with four kids and a family with five. If you stand at the school gate and ask the parents, 1/5 of the parents have an only child and 1/5 have five kids. If you go to the classroom and ask the kids, 1/15 or f the kids are only children and 1/3 (5/15) are from a family of five.

So mathematically the solution to your problem is to focus on making friends with families your kids know, rather than adults you yourself meet. Obviously there old disadvantages but actually my DC have picked some friends with very nice families!

@the7Vabo you don’t need to put it ‘bluntly’, I know. Many fertile people fall pregnant all the time; some of these pregnancies are wanted and some are not, some choose to continue with these pregnancies and some do not.

If I was to get pregnant now (unlikely as am nearly 46) I would be devastated. It would not be happy news at all. That wouldn’t change no matter how many women would be happy - I realise that’s a bit of a garbled and nonsense post but it’s early and I’ve been up since half five. If I’m finding something hard I can say so, no matter how many women would be delighted with it.

My y2 daughter was complaining the other day that everyone else in her class had a sibling, and it doesn't seem to be an exaggggeration.

She's an only (as was I) and that won't change, but I was surprised that it is so unusual.

@13RidgmontRoad no definitely not rigid. I’m fairly sociable and we’ve always got our and about a lot. But these don’t tend to move beyond casual chats and niceties at prearranged things like groups. I do get it; life is busy, I work part time, on the days you’re not at work you’ve got things to do. I just miss the sense of comradely I had at the start of my parenting journey and feel a bit like I’ve been left behind a bit. I realise it’s a small thing in the grand scheme of things but what is MN chat for if not for those small things?

It’s definitely one of those funny things that’s quite random, it might well be that everyone else in my town has two or more children and the only ones who don’t happen to be my friends (obviously I’m exaggerating there but you see what I mean!) but it’s definitely the case for me I know a lot more one child families than two or more.

I don't think it's a small thing at all. I was a SAHM after DD came along and I remember feeling sucker punched as mum after mum went back to work after mat leave and suddenly it was just me and DD, day after day. I think it's a huge thing, and very isolating! I hope you can find a friend or two who does want to get to know you better.

I’m sure I will in time. I just miss my old friendships a bit 😂