‘He / she’s an adult now…’

[rickyrickygrimes]

At what point do children become adults? My DS1 turned 18 yesterday. He’s no different in terms of maturity compared to the day before that. Legally, he can have his own bank account and many many other things. But what makes him an adult overnight? Why 18? When I’ve read that young human brains don’t fully mature, in terms of reasoning and decisions making, until they are closer to 24/25?

There’s so much emphasis on MN that adults should be independent, stand on their own two feet, not ask for parental help etc. But when does that start? Is it with the parent decides? Or when society / legal systems decide? Or biology? Or certain milestones pass - finishing school, finishing uni, first job, moving out, marrying, having a child?

I agree. In law 18 is adult for most purposes whereas adulthood and independence is actually a gradual process, some will be ready to be independent adults before others. My 21yo (has some SN) is still on the path to independence.
And parental guidance can go on for years, then equal for a while, then tips back the other way to adult children helping elderly parents.

Obviously, legally, a switch is flicked at 18. Though in fact some switches are flicked before then.

But within a family it should be a much more gradual process of acquiring rights and responsibilities starting right from toddler stage when they get to choose which teeshirt to wear but are expected to help with tidying toys away.

Children who always have had everything done for them have a hard time when they get thrust into adult responsibilities.

At 16 they can get married and sign for their own vaccinations, at 17 can drive, so I see it as a gradual slide into adulthood. My DS was for more independent when he left for Uni than my DD, so I think you have to add in the individual too. I see 18 as a legal point rather than an individual.

Chat tells me that it’s mostly to do with military service. Previously 21 was the age that young men could sign up / be drafted into the army and it was reduced to 18 to allow boys to be drafted and to fight in the Second World War. Old enough to vote, old enough to fight / die. 🙁. So a historical, politically expedient decision - not related to actual maturity of young adults or the ability to make good decisions.

Is it reasonable to expect young adults (18-25) to behave like fully seasoned adults? And to not need any safety nets or be cut some slack?

The ones that win out of this system are those who do have parental safety nets - financial and otherwise. Those that don’t (18 year olds in care / poverty / parents unable or unwilling to help) are expected to do it themselves because they are ‘adults’ legally - and to bear the full responsibility for any mistakes they (inevitably) make.

It's just a legal definition.
Actual 18yos vary. Some are at school... some are married, have children and a responsible job. Some are dependent on their parents, some are completely independent.

So now he can go to a pub. Or join the army without your permission. Or get married (in England, he could last week in Scotland as its 17). He can vote. But you can still get child benefit for him if he's in education.

I don't get parents who insist that their kids should act like adults the moment they turn 18. It's such an artificial, man made concept.

It’s not reasonable to expect some magic transformation at 18 but most sensible people start prepping their teens for the transition to adulthood so it’s a gradual process. Legally yes, they are an adult overnight but in my mind most of the frustration comes from one side treating their 17 year olds as children and being baffled that their now 18 year old should be expected to be suddenly responsible for themselves. Then you have the the other camp who have spent several years prior growing their DCs independence and confidence, teaching them to cook, manage money and basic life skills who can’t understand why an adult is so terrified of their 18 year old DC navigating the world without them.

Child marriage isn’t legal in England/Wales.

It‘s odd isn’t it, disowning your children at 18 seems to be very common on mumsnet.

Indeed, my husband and BIL have both struggled with this. MIL still likes to wait on them hand and foot.

SIL actually broke up with BIL briefly as he was a lazy shit. He's improved a lot since.

She is simply astounded by my toddler doing things for himself and participating in routine family life.

Also, the education system treats them very differently depending on when their birthday falls. One that turns 18 in August will tend to be more mature on that date than one who turns 18 in September.

its a very harsh world for children who have no family support at 18, because there is no real support for young adults in the system m.

where as for us as parents it’s a sliding scale. My 17 year old drives, is in college, has a highly responsible Saturday job. Day to day he could manage the house, but I imagine it would all fall apart if he didn’t have support after a week of so.

ds2 is 14, he can do any job in the house or with our pets, he sees what needs doing and gets on with it,after discussion he made his own decision to have the hpv vaccine. He’s already starting to make adult choices that have real impact.

they can both do a shop and cook dinner, bit as independent as they may be, neither are close to becoming fully independent adults.

@rickyrickygrimes, is someone pressuring you into how you treat your ds?

It should be a process that starts at birth where you gradually get them to do everything independently. Then they eventually learn to do things independently and well.

At 18 I'd expect them to act like young adults, that isn't acting like they are 45. In fact usually new found freedom results in some bad choices but its a learning process.

18 although technically an adult is still very young and it becomes obvious when you have kids of this age by the stupid decisions they make. I feel proper maturity and being an adult comes much later closer to mid 20s. And before everyone starts saying they where married with a family at 21 its irrelevant i had my first child at 15 and it certainly didn't make me an adult.

It passed me by that the law has changed in England and people now have to be 18 plus. It's still 16 in Scotland.
My dc were very keen to be independant in many ways by 18, it may be a bit of an arbitary number, but society it expects it of them.
I expected to be treated as an adult from 16, not that I always was. My dad left school at 14!

I really dislike the attitude to 18 year olds on Mumsnet; they’re an adult so should be doing this or that, if they don’t like it they can move out etc. My ds was completely overwhelmed at the number of people saying ‘You’re an adult now!’ when he turned 18. I had to reassure him that he was just at the start of adulthood and still had time to learn everything he needed to know.
On the other side his friend is also 18 and has gone to university and is living independently in a whole different country.
It’s nonsensical to pick an arbitrary age and say that everyone should be at the same stage. They haven’t even finished growing yet!

Scottish law is a bit strange... they can marry at 16 but if they break the law they aren't considered properly adult until 25.

I also think that generally, today's 18yos aren't as mature as 18yos 20 years ago. Childhood has been extended. But so has adulthood... People are working longer and living longer

I think it’s a prompt to start nudging them into adulthood. I would never expect mine to be fully fledged adults at 18, but I think it’s the age where we should be encouraging more responsible decisions and actions.

It’s such a discrepancy. Lots of you are saying it’s a gradual thing, but the law does not recognise that. At 18 they can sign contracts (jobs, purchases, housing etc) - and will bear the full legal consequences of breaking those agreements.

@JacknDiane no, no one is pressuring me. I think there have been a spate of threads about expectations of adult / young adult children, which coincided with my DS becoming, in law, ‘an adult’.

When/what age would you like people to be able to sign contracts?
My son is 19 and has only just got his mobile phone put in his name! Yes, he could move and sign for a house etc but he is a long way off doing it (has started saving though).
I suppose the flip side of this is at 18 it gives young people a legal option to remove themselves from an abusive family, if we change the law to people becoming adults at 25 or older you trap people with their families for longer!
I also suspect a lot of the mumsnetters advising people to chuck their 18 year old out (always boys, they are told to get counselling for their girls!) wouldn't throw their own children out for the same behaviour, having read lots of threads on here mumsnetters children are the most coddled imaginable and won't be standing on their own two feet for a very long time!

I suppose that there has to be some form of legal cut off to childhood, but parents are presumed to know their own offspring and their capabilities. Some can't wait to leave home and are away and 'adulting' at 17, others can barely heat up a pizza at 23 (SEN excepted of course).

I found University was my kids' 'growing up land'. Four of them went and that was where they learned to manage without having me there as fall back. Three never returned to live at home, one (AuDHD) did, but only for eighteen months. The eldest, who didn't go, was living independently at 18. If they'd stayed living at home I think they might have acquired a degree of 'learned helplessness', but surrounded by their peers and living away they HAD to manage.

These days I think moving away to university is the best way to encourage independence. All mine went this way. I had my own house at 18 and my parents weren’t able to be around to support me so I just got on with it. Financially it’s different for 18 year olds now. Much harder to make enough to be properly independent at 18.

I don't think most people are arguing that an 18 year old is instantly endowed with adult competence the day of their birthday, but given that the law means you have zero input into their lives from that day, you do need to start a gradual preparation earlier.
We can't connect adulthood to any level of intellect or common sense as there would be a proportion of people who would never qualify.

I caught an interesting item on BBC breakfast a while back. It was about a place where young adults coming out of the care system were being taught life skills: how to put up a shelf, do basic decorating, soft skills as well.

These people were learning the types of things my DCs have picked up along the way growing up in our home. All 3 of my DCs know how to use tools. DH has been very good at sharing his DIY knowledge. Two of my DCs are now home owners but will still talk through projects with us and ask for help.

My own DPs were keen to have DBs and I gone at 18 but didnt really teach us about how to be adults. They were also quite controlling. Neither of my DBs properly grew up. They both went into careers with a strict structure, they went up through the grades then retired. I'm not sure either ever had a CV.

We didnt want that for our DCs. So we encouraged age appropriate responsibility. One of our DCs is ND, he is taking longer to get there but he is getting there.