‘He / she’s an adult now…’

[rickyrickygrimes]

At what point do children become adults? My DS1 turned 18 yesterday. He’s no different in terms of maturity compared to the day before that. Legally, he can have his own bank account and many many other things. But what makes him an adult overnight? Why 18? When I’ve read that young human brains don’t fully mature, in terms of reasoning and decisions making, until they are closer to 24/25?

There’s so much emphasis on MN that adults should be independent, stand on their own two feet, not ask for parental help etc. But when does that start? Is it with the parent decides? Or when society / legal systems decide? Or biology? Or certain milestones pass - finishing school, finishing uni, first job, moving out, marrying, having a child?

I’ve been thinking about the transition to adulthood as my 18 year old is not going to university. So when does he leave?! University provides a nice halfway house between home and living fully independently. There is structure and a degree of support available.
DS has a job and is doing well so far, but not nearly ready to live by himself.

There has to be a cut off legally or the potential for abuse is huge. 18 is as good a time as any, given that many leave home at that age.

My 17yo ds isn't legally an adult. I provide his home and schooling. He is a semi-adult by which I mean that he has a job, he has a bank account and is free to spend his money how he wishes. I only offer advice if he asks for it or if I see him doing something so risky that it would be neglectful not to intervene.

He has chosen his own a'levels, career path, university choices. He choses his friends, clothes, activities. So far he has chosen not to smoke, vape or drink alcohol. As a parent I have gradually stepped back, leaving him to take decisions so that at 18 he can be truly independent if he wants to. My support and advice doesn't cease to be available.

The cut off is important. My f sought to control me and my siblings beyond 18 for financial purposes. A legal right to leave is essential.

There are lots of young adults living with parents longer because renting or buying is not possible. This does not mean they cannot independent and they should be gradually moving towards this from teens onwards. It is not something that happens overnight at 18 but certainly parents need to be mindful of encouraging them to do more as this also helps to build confidence and self esteem.

At some point, he'll probably join up with some friends or a partner and decide he wants to leave. His need for privacy and more freedom will outweigh the benefits of living at home.
They all get there in their own time.

Also to add university is not necessarily a big step to independence unless parents allow that to happen. The levels of prepping and parents fussing seen on this and other boards is sometimes astonishing. Allow them to get on with it and be there if they need help or advice.

It only changed from 16 in 2023.

My mum sold the family home and moved to the other end of the country once I turned 18, leaving me effectively homeless. She said I could come and stay with her “if I needed to” - but moved into a one bedroom flat.

As far as she was concerned, she’d done her job and raised me to adulthood, so could now “have her own life.” I was in no way ready to be independent and this damaged me deeply.

I want my own kids to know they can always come home to me, no matter how grown up they are! And I actually think that during those “transition years”, 18-25ish, when you’re just learning how to be an adult, it’s even more important to have a safe family home to go back to.

As others have said, university is good because it's a halfway house. My DS is in his second year, while he's away at uni he does all his own cooking and washing, gets himself around without lifts etc etc. His uni is a long way away so he doesn't come back in term time. But it's only for 12 weeks at a time, so he still has the safety net of home to fall back on.

If they don't go to university or move out of home, I guess you have to enforce some of these changes at some point.

My DD is 18 and still in year 13, I wouldn't expect anything to change until she leaves school. I think there's a difference between an 18 year old in year 13 and an 18 year old who has left school (in terms of what I would expect from them, how I would treat them etc).

The UK voting age was lowered from 21 to 18 in 1969. I remember this happening as I was 21 that year and was miffed I hadn't been eligible to vote before!
Edited to add I didn't use Chat. The Electoral Reform Society has this info.

University was great for me to start living as an adult. I had a bank account and the funds so things like food shopping weren't an issue. I did have accomodation paid for and bills were covered in halls, 2nd year was putting bill money in a kitty, and 3rd year was managing a meter card. After uni I went home for a year and worked f/t to save some money before moving out to do a professional post-graduate course and lived away permanently after that.

DM was quite controlling and tried to babyfy me. DB had been allowed to do his own washing from 15, but I wasn't allowed incase I broke the washer (ironically it was him more likely to cock up or be careless). There was one year between me finally being allowed to catch a suburban train to the city centre and travelling cross country. Fortunately I didn't have issues with the transition and was more than ready to be independent.

With my own DCs, I'm trying to build them more gradually through the teenage years. With SENs in the mix, it does need a bit more poking and scaffolding than typical, but to wait until 18 and say "you're an adult now" would do them a massive disservice. Also the legal 18 threshold means some aspects of life (e.g. healthcare) automatically give them autonomy and parents are out of the equation.

Generally 18 as a standard threshold works well. Learning has been completed to a functional standard or as close as it will ever get. Most want to do things for themselves and are capable of independence. There is an argument for more support for 18-21 year olds without family support to access things like housing, but that's about economics more than adult capabilities.

The law has to be a switch flick though, how else are you going to decide who is mature enough to sign contracts, drink etc. You can't do a case by case competency assessment every time someone signs up for a new phone.

18 is meant to be the point where people can feel able to deal with adult life. DD turned 18 a month ago, but I didn't start treating her like an adult at 18. I've been treating her as an adult in small specific ways since she was about 12, and increasing those responsibilities until I felt she'd be able to cope if me and DP suddenly got hot by a bus tomorrow. Shes been managing her money since she was about 12, she cooks, cleans, knows how to run a house. I've gotten her involved when I've changed our electricity provider. She knows what's going to be involved financially when she goes to uni. She knows how to deal with the car breaking down without having to phone me if necessary.

Does she know everything she possibly needs to in order to adult successfully? Of course not, neither do I and I'm 42. But I'm fairly confident she has the skills needed to research what she doesn't know, and to ask for advice and help when she needs to. That's part of being an adult as well.

As is cocking up spectacularly, which I'm sure she'll do plenty of. Learning how to deal with that and moving on is part of being an adult as well.

It’s also not as simple as saying legally the switch turns at 18, there’s the age of criminal responsibility, Gillick competence and various blurred lines.
It should be a gradual process throughout late childhood/ teens and I do think that most 18 year olds (SN excepted) should be independent and responsible for themselves with guidance as needed.
Ds is 19 and lives at home, he’s perfectly capable of cooking, cleaning, putting the bin out, getting himself to work on time etc if I am away but obviously bills are already paid. I don’t want or need him to move out but he treats me and our home with respect unlike some tales on here. He asks for advice about things like his car insurance renewal or whether an item goes in a dark or light wash.
Dd is 23 and lives independently, she messages with little questions, I do similar with her, her questions are “should I eat this yogurt with yesterday’s date” mine are fashion related.

I totally agree OP. There is no way the average 18 year old male is mature and capable of making adult decisions. My heart goes out to those poor kids who don’t have the back up all young people need.

I looked at my DC at 18 and thought no, not fully an adult. At 21 bith male and female dc definitely fully adult, so i guess somewher in between. 25 is just ridiculous, my 1st and third dc bought their first houses before 25, and the middle one moved to work and set up home abroad at 22.

@rickyrickygrimes : "There’s so much emphasis on MN that adults should be independent, stand on their own two feet"

No, there are some MNet contributers who have a hardline attitude to this, and they can be very vocal, but it's only an opinion and I don't think it's the dominant opinion. If you personally feel that, by now, your YP knows everything they need to be a successful adult then, by all means, cut them adrift and see how they thrive. But most don't.

Mine are 19 and 21 and they're still gradually learning about the adult world and welcome advice from their parents, so long as it is sensitively given.

I do think that because many young adults live at home longer they are treated like children longer. I know pp has said they should be able to function but many don’t.

There’s also a lot to be said for letting your teens live their life. There are so many threads about not letting 16, 17 and 18 year olds do very normal things and I have seen this with my younger children. My 11 year old, year 7 child, has friends who have never been to the park independently, are not allowed to the local shops etc. As parents we need to be building our children up to be functioning adults.

My 18yr old daughter is currently living at home after finishing year 13 last September, she's taking a year out before going to uni next September. I think this middle ground she is in at the moment is tricky for us both to navigate. She has a car and is able to get herself to both of her jobs, the gym and her loan horse so I'm not doing that for her but she wants more than this, I can see the pull for her to go in to the wider world the same way that I wanted it.
I'm insisting she works and saves money before uni. I plan to help her but I want her to have her own money behind her as a back-up. I think there are fair few friends she left school at the time whose parents didn't make this requirement and are just giving them money which I could do but it would leave her no back up plan for the extra's my budget won't cover.
I do have a friend who thinks it's outrageous parents pay for uni, apparently if they want to go they should be paying. Well yeah ok, maybe in some past years when Uni wasn't so expensive and lots of kids weren't getting the basic maintenance loan which my daughter will get leaving a huge deficit for accomodation and living.

16 to 18 is a transition period legally. Honestly though it's a process thoughout their entire childhood that accelerates in teen years as they hit mid teens.

In Wales they can leave education at 16 entirely most don't though. Dentist /orthodentists and Doctors they can attend and sign for treatment for and we start getting them to do this and take responsblity for appointments.

Mine had kids banks accounts - and were using card for buses to college and in everyday life.

I like many other here found uni was great for a gradual shift at adulthood and oldest two kids seem to have found similar. We're here but not only resource they have access to for support if needed.

A lot of stuff as adults we have to sort out oursevels weren't taught - internet is great for this.

DD1 was literally just 18 before she was off to uni - she had to apply for then wait till she could sign uni loans documents as has to be 18 - DS was still in edcuation sitting exams at 18 few months later massive difference after first term of university.

When I’ve read that young human brains don’t fully mature, in terms of reasoning and decisions making, until they are closer to 24/25?

That a common misunderstanding about what the research was saying a lay persons massive over simplicfication - they've recently found - or some research hit media cycle - brains are still signicantly changing well into 30s with some architectural shifts still happening.