Avoiding Seeming Aggressive towards Colleague

[Sasgatchewyn]

My colleague, 'Lucy', and I don't get along very well and I'd appreciate advice on how I can essentially block out her chat etc, without seeming aggressive.

She's new to the job, young, very eager, bubbling with enthusiasm. She lives for the job and works all hours (no partner or children), socialising with colleagues outside of work. She is in awe of senior managers (arse licks at all opportunities) and often tells people that she's aiming to be CEO one day. All harmless. HOWEVER, she does have a tendency to put others down to try to progress. She likes to damn colleagues' work with faint praise and is a drama queen if she thinks someone has made even a tiny error.

I'm the opposite. We're like the Odd Couple. I'm older, have been working in this field for a few years, am relatively cynical, have children and am not inclined to work during weekends etc. I'm good at my job, but am not interested in climbing the ladder.

Unfortunately, we sit next to each other in the office and 'Lucy' is a chatter. I'm due back at work next week and I'm dreading her OTT enthusiasm and adoration of the senior managers. How can I block her out without seeming aggressive? I've tried ear buds, but she just speaks more loudly to me: "WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?!" etc.

Our boss also dislikes Lucy and is aware of her attempts at undermining others (I found this out by accident). This doesn't really help me deal with her day to day though! I feel that Lucy brings out the worst cynic in me.

Any tips would be very gratefully received. Thank you.

Earbuds and mouth "I'm on a call" when she asks what you're listening to.

Headphones and “I’m on a CPD training.” Then a lot of coldness, speak using body language and tone not words. Her putting down others with more experience would be the end of my tolerance for her behaviour completely.

Big obvious headphones, not earbuds. They're noise cancelling and you were given them for Christmas.

I've tried being quite matter of fact in tone, but she says things like "Are you ok? Has something gone wrong?" FFS.

She's quite naive in her criticism of others, including our boss, as she doesn't realise that we all know about it.

I'll look into big headphones now!

Can you move desks or go somewhere quieter to work? Explain to your manager that you find her distracting?

Failing that, I think I'd be direct and say 'sorry Lucy, I really need to crack on with x,y,z'.

I've tried being quite matter of fact in tone, but she says things like "Are you ok? Has something gone wrong?" FFS.

In response to these types of questions, just keep it brief and factual. 'All fine thanks.' and get back on with it.

I work with an utter gobshite who goes around spreading gossip and saying saying what the hell she likes (often offensive) and adopted that tone with her. It took quite a while for her to get the message that I'm not interested in making small talk or listening to her spiteful nonsense, but she got it eventually. I'll be perfectly polite when we need to talk about work things. Unfortunately she is beloved by some similarly toxic, senior management so there's no point in reporting her.

Unfortunately I can't move elsewhere and I need (and want) to talk to others in the room.

She was extremely annoyed and in tears just before Christmas because I mentioned to some service users (sorry this is so vague) that she'd be in on a meeting because she's being trained. She needed to watch me show them something. It's completely normal for this to happen and they didn't think twice about it. She cried to members of staff in other departments, and said that I'd humiliated her in front of service users, which is total nonsense. It's really exhausting.

I'd love to hear Lucy's side of this.

She's young, keen and aiming to be CEO one day which is wonderful.

If she chats too much for your liking, tell her you need peace and quiet to work.

Other than that, probably best to stop resenting her keenness to possibly do better than yourself.

Agree with the headphones, say it’s to cancel out noise. Practice the art of grey rocking, which is to give the most neutral, minimal response possible.

Don’t let on that “Lucy” is undermining, criticising, and damning others with faint praise. Let her hang herself rather than give her a clue, which will only make her more sneaky with her behaviours.

Yes, Lucy is adored by a couple of the senior management because she's so dedicated. One of them said that if they cut her in two, the company logo would be running through her, like a stick of rock. She was delighted by this.

Even pre-children, I have never been like that. I genuinely don't knock her for loving the job and the company etc, but she does look down on those who are not like that (the vast majority of us!), and I can't stand that.

Her perspective would be that I am cynical, unenthusiastic (which actually isn't true), too focused on life outside of work to make the professional progress that I should want to make.

She is due to shadow me/be trained by me quite a bit in January, and I'm dreading it.

“That’s nice dear.”

"Sorry, Lucy, I really need to concentrate on this let's chat later"

I'm sure you're both dreading it but needs must.

You do need to be firm about needing peace and quiet though.

I don't really have any tips except to confirm all interactions in writing so that when she does throw you under the bus you have evidence that you have always worked with her in a kind and supportive manner.

I think it might be better for your mental health to reframe this as "extremely inexperienced" rather than "pain in the arse" if you have to sit next to her every day.

I would be inclined to treat her like I would a reception child- that is, with unconditional positive regard and the assumption that she always means well but doesn't know what she's doing yet. So if she undermines people, tell her that it is not the best idea if she wants to be successful. If you hear she's been saying you undermined her in front of service users, tell her what you heard and that you wanted to let her know that it's completely normal so she needn't worry. If she's asking what you're listening to, say "when somebody has earphones it means they're focussing" and give her a big reception teacher smile. Assume everything is inexperience rather than being a pain in the arse.

If you are training her, and it sounds like you are, consider it part of her training in how to be a human in a workplace really (but then don't be annoyed if she gets promoted because you've trained her to be one).

Good idea, comes across much more as mentoring which she'd hopefully appreciate

This, sounds like Lucy would have a good case against you all. Why is your boss telling you they dislike Lucy? If you’re all talking about how awful she is, no wonder she can be in tears. Our boss also dislikes Lucy and is aware of her attempts at undermining others
how do you know this?

Exactly, it sounds like a toxic workplace that Lucy is trying her best to do well in.

Not easy when even her boss is gossiping about her.

This sounds like that film Election with Matthew Broderick as the school teacher and Reese Witherspoon as the annoyingly perky pupil.

One unwelcome advice I'd offer is to be more like her - just a bit. Let it rub off on you - just a bit. Take up a new skill or course or something, because it's as you suggest it's your very differences that grate. I say this because as in the film Election you may find that you get wrong footed by any interaction with her, you will be out of your comfort zone, she will have momentum. If she annoys you, it will come out in a way that is out of your control so it is a good idea as others say to be assertive, the idea being that it doesn't come out later explosively.

As far as I'm aware, we all get on very well at work. Our department WhatsApp group chat is always fun. Lots of pics of kids and dogs etc.

Lucy, however posts things like "No one else at the breakfast briefing? Come on guys!" knowing full well that we're all busy with said kids and dogs at 7.30am, and we wouldn't go anyway! It's just sitting and watching the CFO talk on Zoom and we can watch the recording at any time. Lucy likes to send the CFO a nauseating "Fascinating briefing..." email during the talk.

Apart from the back-stabbing, she isn't doing anything wrong. Her attitude and behaviour are just very jarring to me. Which is why I don't want to appear aggressive.

The thing is that I do a variety of activities outside of work, including a course.

Lucy's life is dominated by work. She's at work at the weekends (although, I'm not sure that she actually achieves very much during that time).

She recently had a boyfriend, who she met through the industry (the relationship didn't last long). For their second date, she showed him our workplace and office. She defines herself through her job. I can't relate to that at all.

@ChattyCatty25 you are showing a decent degree of self awareness over your part and your flaws and you are not claiming to be perfect in this interaction, that is enough.

If Lucy lacks that then that is Lucy’s problem to sort out, don’t get too sucked in by people trying to put total responsibility for this dynamic onto you.

What’s your examples of her “back stabbing” you seem to have a lot of negative emotion and intense dislike for her. If you’re right and your manager hates her as much as you do, is that why you’ve been asked to mentor her?
To make it difficult and unpleasant for her?
given how awful you are about her, it is absolutely wrong for you to have any input into her professional development.