So sorry this is a long post looming but I’m completely at a loss and right now feel as though my life is not worth pushing through, I just want to give up. I need to know others have been through crap like this and got through.
For the last few years and at the end of each December I promise myself that I will make things better but the next December/end of year comes and I am worse than ever.
I really don’t know how to start to explain it all without it becoming a jumbled mess. I’ll try as I am desperate for someone to offer some advice. So sorry if this is going to be long and boring.
I will be 53 in March and genuinely had no idea my late 40’s/early 50’s would be so miserable. My mental and physical health is in the gutter and no matter what I try I just can not see any glimmer of hope or chink of light. To put it bluntly….I am depressed as fuck and physically feel like shit.
I need to start with the positives as I often lose sight of those things. I have a lovely and beautiful family. DH, he has been with me since we were 16 and I am thankful I have him although I know he is getting tired of everything and I’m scared that even he may only be able to take so much. My beautiful children are my life (17 and 20) but I live with constant guilt that my issues are going to be affecting them too much in the long run.
So, I have struggled with some of my health issues for decades. Gynae issues and very heavy periods since they started at 12. IBS since I was 25 (just came on suddenly one day in 1998 and never left and its getting worse with age). Anxiety had always been with me since childhood and was just part of my life (along with panic attacks and ocd). Depression sometimes but that has come later.
My teens and 20’s were ok (apart from the IBS). 30’s were ok, I was a SAHM for some time and had a lovely time raising my dc, life was ok.
Then it all started to unravel late 30’s. My periods became so heavy that I ended up iron deficient (with ferritin below 3) for 10 years, I have very thin hair as a result. I was (and still am) always knackered, weak and shaky. GP gave me iron but that upset my IBS so they did nothing more about it.
From 2011 I was under my gynae department as the bleeding became too much. Six hysterocopies and endless polyp removals later (they told me these were the cause of my heavy periods) and I was still having issues. I opted for a uterine ablation in 2022 which failed and I now have so much pain during each period, I begged for a mri and discovered in late 2023, at the age of 50 that I actually have endometriosis and adenomyosis. I am now under an endo gynae and on a waiting list for a hysterectomy this next coming year but my anxiety is so so bad I’m really not sure I can go through with it tbh.
Perimenopause hit around 7 years ago and all hell then broke loose. Anxiety on another level, depression, panic attacks, daily nausea, acid indigestion and my IBS/bowel issues have gone crazy during this time, Over the last 5 years I have ended up having two colonoscopies, a pill camera endoscopy, various scans (including for bile acid malabsorption), blood test, stool tests etc. Nothing major shown except for gut dysbiosis which is no surprise given my limited diet. I’m due another gastroscope this Friday (again anxiety is through the roof), because the nausea and acid/burping is getting worse. I can not seem to go a day without gut issues anymore. My tummy woes leave me feeling scared to leave the house. I feel I have no life anymore due to my unpredictable bowel (I can often suddenly need the loo without much time to spare). I couldn’t even go out for a meal with our ds this October without rushing to the loo at the restaurant as soon as I ate just a mouthful, ffs!
I try very hard to look after myself, I only drink water, I walk the dog every day and follow the low fodmap diet (avoiding dairy, sweeteners, caffeine etc) but I know that I don’t eat well. I already had issues with food before the ibs (ARFID as a child) but now I despise food and will go hours without anything and will often live off crackers and bit of ham/turkey and then a small plate of food with the family for dinner. It seems the very act of eating sets off my gut issues, I seem to have developed a strong gastrocolic reflex. I wish I didn’t have to eat ever again tbh. I’ve had endless appointments with my gastro, treatment with a neuro gastroenterologist, gut directed hypnotherapy, CBT and endless counselling but nothing helps calm my gut. I live in constant fear of it and that’s getting worse, it’s a real issue but I seem not to be able to conquer or calm my digestive system anymore, it has become so dysregulated and unhappy (like me I suppose).
And if that wasn’t enough to deal with 8 years ago my lovely mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. My parents live around the corner from me and I was always very close to my dear mum. My sister and I have helped dad care for her over the last 5 years (I go round 4/5 days per week) but it’s getting harder and harder and more emotionally draining each year. She is also bent over with osteoporosis and last year was diagnosed with breast cancer. She fell in the garden this summer and fractured her neck, following a month long stay in hospital she is now double incontinent and can no longer speak much and when she does it makes no sense, it rips me in two to see her suffer so much. There isn’t a day I don’t cry my eyes out for her. My poor dad is really depressed but he is and always has been very cantankerous and makes life so much harder than it needs to be. He is a constant frustration to my sister and I (I have written about him before). We have carers in 3 times a day but it’s still not enough and tbh just watching my dear mum live like this and for so long with such a wicked disease has completely broken me. Next year we will more than likely need to place her in a care home and I know that will break us further.
I know there are others who have life harder than me but I do feel completely broken. I feel I can’t do life anymore and fear this is my life now forever more, I can’t see any further than the black hole I’m stuck in. I am so close to just going to bed one night and refusing to get up. I am fed up with my constantly bad gut (currently laying in bed following a bad evening on the loo), the utter utter exhaustion, the daily panic and edginess, crying on/off every day, the fear of daily living and feel like a bag of shite all the time. I have to stay strong though for those around me:- for my kids, my dh and my elderly parents but I really don’t want to anymore.
I honestly don’t think I can ever feel well again. I am so drained. But what can I do to help myself? HRT makes the endo pain worse, antidepressants exacerbate my gut issues. I live off Pepto bismol and gaviscon which do sod all now. My GP is of no help. I try so hard, I walk the dog every day for some exercise even though it’s like wading through treacle, I listen to the Calm app every night, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I’m not overweight, I do all the things you are supposed to for good health but I feel so rough all the time.
I’m letting so many people down including myself. I don’t even see my friends anymore and no one rings to see how I am doing (yes, I am feeling very sorry for myself tonight 🙄).
I can’t think straight anymore, how can I can get my physical and mental health back on track? Has anyone else been at rock bottom with their health and managed to get to a better place? I live in constant fear my poor gut and mental health will take over my desire to actually live my life.