I feel at rock bottom, can I get myself out of this dark place?

[Tartansocksandcrocs]

So sorry this is a long post looming but I’m completely at a loss and right now feel as though my life is not worth pushing through, I just want to give up. I need to know others have been through crap like this and got through.

For the last few years and at the end of each December I promise myself that I will make things better but the next December/end of year comes and I am worse than ever.

I really don’t know how to start to explain it all without it becoming a jumbled mess. I’ll try as I am desperate for someone to offer some advice. So sorry if this is going to be long and boring.

I will be 53 in March and genuinely had no idea my late 40’s/early 50’s would be so miserable. My mental and physical health is in the gutter and no matter what I try I just can not see any glimmer of hope or chink of light. To put it bluntly….I am depressed as fuck and physically feel like shit.

I need to start with the positives as I often lose sight of those things. I have a lovely and beautiful family. DH, he has been with me since we were 16 and I am thankful I have him although I know he is getting tired of everything and I’m scared that even he may only be able to take so much. My beautiful children are my life (17 and 20) but I live with constant guilt that my issues are going to be affecting them too much in the long run.

So, I have struggled with some of my health issues for decades. Gynae issues and very heavy periods since they started at 12. IBS since I was 25 (just came on suddenly one day in 1998 and never left and its getting worse with age). Anxiety had always been with me since childhood and was just part of my life (along with panic attacks and ocd). Depression sometimes but that has come later.

My teens and 20’s were ok (apart from the IBS). 30’s were ok, I was a SAHM for some time and had a lovely time raising my dc, life was ok.

Then it all started to unravel late 30’s. My periods became so heavy that I ended up iron deficient (with ferritin below 3) for 10 years, I have very thin hair as a result. I was (and still am) always knackered, weak and shaky. GP gave me iron but that upset my IBS so they did nothing more about it.
From 2011 I was under my gynae department as the bleeding became too much. Six hysterocopies and endless polyp removals later (they told me these were the cause of my heavy periods) and I was still having issues. I opted for a uterine ablation in 2022 which failed and I now have so much pain during each period, I begged for a mri and discovered in late 2023, at the age of 50 that I actually have endometriosis and adenomyosis. I am now under an endo gynae and on a waiting list for a hysterectomy this next coming year but my anxiety is so so bad I’m really not sure I can go through with it tbh.

Perimenopause hit around 7 years ago and all hell then broke loose. Anxiety on another level, depression, panic attacks, daily nausea, acid indigestion and my IBS/bowel issues have gone crazy during this time, Over the last 5 years I have ended up having two colonoscopies, a pill camera endoscopy, various scans (including for bile acid malabsorption), blood test, stool tests etc. Nothing major shown except for gut dysbiosis which is no surprise given my limited diet. I’m due another gastroscope this Friday (again anxiety is through the roof), because the nausea and acid/burping is getting worse. I can not seem to go a day without gut issues anymore. My tummy woes leave me feeling scared to leave the house. I feel I have no life anymore due to my unpredictable bowel (I can often suddenly need the loo without much time to spare). I couldn’t even go out for a meal with our ds this October without rushing to the loo at the restaurant as soon as I ate just a mouthful, ffs!

I try very hard to look after myself, I only drink water, I walk the dog every day and follow the low fodmap diet (avoiding dairy, sweeteners, caffeine etc) but I know that I don’t eat well. I already had issues with food before the ibs (ARFID as a child) but now I despise food and will go hours without anything and will often live off crackers and bit of ham/turkey and then a small plate of food with the family for dinner. It seems the very act of eating sets off my gut issues, I seem to have developed a strong gastrocolic reflex. I wish I didn’t have to eat ever again tbh. I’ve had endless appointments with my gastro, treatment with a neuro gastroenterologist, gut directed hypnotherapy, CBT and endless counselling but nothing helps calm my gut. I live in constant fear of it and that’s getting worse, it’s a real issue but I seem not to be able to conquer or calm my digestive system anymore, it has become so dysregulated and unhappy (like me I suppose).

And if that wasn’t enough to deal with 8 years ago my lovely mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. My parents live around the corner from me and I was always very close to my dear mum. My sister and I have helped dad care for her over the last 5 years (I go round 4/5 days per week) but it’s getting harder and harder and more emotionally draining each year. She is also bent over with osteoporosis and last year was diagnosed with breast cancer. She fell in the garden this summer and fractured her neck, following a month long stay in hospital she is now double incontinent and can no longer speak much and when she does it makes no sense, it rips me in two to see her suffer so much. There isn’t a day I don’t cry my eyes out for her. My poor dad is really depressed but he is and always has been very cantankerous and makes life so much harder than it needs to be. He is a constant frustration to my sister and I (I have written about him before). We have carers in 3 times a day but it’s still not enough and tbh just watching my dear mum live like this and for so long with such a wicked disease has completely broken me. Next year we will more than likely need to place her in a care home and I know that will break us further.

I know there are others who have life harder than me but I do feel completely broken. I feel I can’t do life anymore and fear this is my life now forever more, I can’t see any further than the black hole I’m stuck in. I am so close to just going to bed one night and refusing to get up. I am fed up with my constantly bad gut (currently laying in bed following a bad evening on the loo), the utter utter exhaustion, the daily panic and edginess, crying on/off every day, the fear of daily living and feel like a bag of shite all the time. I have to stay strong though for those around me:- for my kids, my dh and my elderly parents but I really don’t want to anymore.

I honestly don’t think I can ever feel well again. I am so drained. But what can I do to help myself? HRT makes the endo pain worse, antidepressants exacerbate my gut issues. I live off Pepto bismol and gaviscon which do sod all now. My GP is of no help. I try so hard, I walk the dog every day for some exercise even though it’s like wading through treacle, I listen to the Calm app every night, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I’m not overweight, I do all the things you are supposed to for good health but I feel so rough all the time.

I’m letting so many people down including myself. I don’t even see my friends anymore and no one rings to see how I am doing (yes, I am feeling very sorry for myself tonight 🙄).

I can’t think straight anymore, how can I can get my physical and mental health back on track? Has anyone else been at rock bottom with their health and managed to get to a better place? I live in constant fear my poor gut and mental health will take over my desire to actually live my life.

Medical marijuana? You sound lovely ..i do hope things get better for you soon x

Oh gosh I felt so upset for you reading this. I’m a similar age and can relate on the elderly parents front and also on the gynae issues (polyps, fibroids and cysts). It’s brutal.
One thing that does jump out that could be resolved for you is the low ferritin. When mine was around 7 my anxiety was off the scale. It was only looking back I realised how many symptoms I had and how exhausted and depressed I felt. I paid for private infusion and it was life-changing. With yours at 3 I’d be pushing your specialists hard for one on the NHS and failing that trying to find one privately.
Be wary of “cleanses” and pseudo-science but getting ferritin up and focusing on gut health and some of the good resources others have mentioned for mental health (there’s a strong gut-brain connection) you can definitely feel a LOT better - wishing you all the very best OP.

I can really relate to you OP i will
post more later but I really do feel the same as you. I'm on my third day of feeling like I am at rock bottom.

I have had lots of CBT sessions over the years but never found it to be of much help but I will certainly take a look at the podcast, thank you.

I have looked at Curaleaf but wouldn't be able to afford it as I only work very part time due to caring for my mum.

Thank you. Sorry you are experiencing horrible gynae issues and dealing with elderly parents too, not a great combo at times, is it?

I did have an iron infusion back in 2022, my gynae wouldn't perform my ablation as my levels were at 3 so I needed that before the op. Levels are now at 61 so all within limits according to the NHS guidelines.

I am so sorry you are experiencing similar issues, I really do feel for you.

Maybe we can help each other.

Im late 40's definitely in peri. In the last six months ive gone through some of the hardest things we have to go through in life.
I have all the peri symptoms plus my digestive system at times is completely out of whack. A few days ago I completely just lost my mind and shouted, cried and sobbed because everything is too much at the moment. Now I feel like I've hit this point where I don't know where to turn next.

You have so much going on, I think most people would be at rock bottom.

I think the idea of a private GP appointment is a good one. I think if you could just get one thing improved it will make a difference.

I also find my mental health is better when I eat well, then something comes along, I revert to bad eating habits and my energy levels and wellbeing slumps. It can be hard to get yourself back on track again.

Im wondering if you can replace doomscrolling with googling all the usual health advice, podcasts etc), sorry if you already do). I tend to use a scattergun approach - and sometimes something will pop out at me that I haven’t seen before, or is a new way of seeing things. I don’t have gut problems, but can relate to other stuff.

I use a SAD lamp this time of year and take vit D. I get outside. I try to do things that give me ‘flow’. I accept that I don’t have much physical energy and no longer fight it, but at the same time realise that getting on with something even for 5mins, is more satisfying that waiting for motivation (esp if it’s not physically demanding). I’m also trying not to use screens for the first 20mins on waking. I try journaling and ‘brain dumps’. None of this is big stuff, but each thing makes me feel a tiny bit positive that I’m improving my life.

I think for you the biggest thing you need is hope that things will get better, and it’s good you are already looking at private GPs.

As many have said, be kind and generous to yourself.

I do hope 2026 brings some light at the end of the tunnel for you.

Can I recommend something for the iron, which might be worth a try.

when I couldn’t stomach supplements for my low ferritin, somebody told me to try Spatone. It’s literally iron enriched water from a well in wales. Nothing else. Just water from a well rich in the minerals.

I pour it in an orange juice, but you can drink it like a shot if you don’t mind the aftertaste (slightly metallic).

It’s the only thing I can tolerate and after about 3 days, it makes me feel more human already!

you can buy it everywhere. Morrisons, Amazon, etc

Sorry you're in this situation. It's a lot to deal with. I have similar issues, but not as bad as that. I'm pretty sure I've seen coconut kefir at Sainsbury's, dairy free. Worth a try. I take a daily probiotic, Optigut I think, I buy it online. It is definitely helping. Also going completely sugar and yeast free. Look into the Zoe Harcombe books, she recommends a complete sugar detox to rid your gut of bad bacteria and then build up the good ones.

I absolutely know how you feel x

Thank you.

I most definitely need to eat better and more frequently. I get so low and exhausted that I often go so long between food (I also avoid eating if I need to leave the house in case it sets off my gut issues) and then of course I end up making wrong food choices because I am too tired, ie crisps, crackers etc.

Is a SAD lamp is worth the investment? I have toyed with the idea for years as my depression definitely takes a nose dive in the winter months.

Thank you for the advice. I purchased a journal last year and never did get round to using it, I will dig that out.

Thank you, I probably do need to keep my iron boosted even though my ablation means I no longer bleed, I feel permanently knackered these days. My dd used to take Spatone for her anaemia, I had forgotten about that stuff.

Sorry OP, this is all going to be bullet points as I'm rushing to catch a train but I couldn't read and run as I saw a lot of similarities re mental health,thought patterns and endo/ibs with myself (except I'm younger)

-research the link between complex ptsd/childhood trauma and physical health issues
-books where you can do this and start to help yourself: the body keeps the score, when the body says no, the mindbody connection, unlearn your pain
-if you experienced childhood trauma you are 80% more likely to have endo
-emdr for trauma....can't stress this enough!!
-journaling and therapy

Me again...forgot to add heme iron supplements for ferritin. Non heme does v little for me. Look up 3 arrows nutra, pricy and you have to take a lot but got my ferritin from 3 to 80 in a year

We have Sainsbury's local down the road, I'll pop down there later and see if they have the dairy free kefir.

I will check out the book, thanks.

I'm sorry you are going through so much. I don't have anything much to offer in the way of advice but I do think once you have had your hysterectomy things will improve significantly. I have had so many friends who put up with feeling lousy/ heavy bleeding etc for so long and once they have had the hysterectomy they honestly feel like a new woman. Let's hope it is the same for you.

Thank you.

I don't think I had any childhood trauma, my childhood was really lovely. I genuinely can not recall anything awful during that time.

I do keep meaning to read The Body Keeps the Score, you have reminded me to get it.

I will look into EMDR but I'm not sure what the trauma would be though? I have read that it really does help people.

Will definitely get out the journal that I purchased last year and have done nothing with.

If you can’t tolerate Kefir - or can’t find the coconut version, see if you can find some kimchi, sauerkraut or low sugar kombucha.

Your gut may well need some help.

The kimchi or sauerkraut needs to come from the chilled section. If you have time, kimchi is easy and cheap to make too.

If you start on any of the above, take a very small amount to start with, and build up…a teaspoon a day. You don’t want to ambush your system!

Have you been tested for any food allergies or intolerances?

I’ve had IBS since my 20s and react to a lot of foods. It really affects my mood and my digestion if I continually eat the wrong stuff. I just really wish I had the knowledge then (30 years ago) compared to what I know now.

Hope you feel a bit brighter today. You’ve had some excellent suggestions.

Another treatment which is showing promise for mood disorders is psychedelics. A friend went on a 6 day Kiyumi retreat in Amsterdam supervised by a medical team and said it was excellent. They are quite a high budget, but it's worth exploring alternatives.

It sounds like you have so much going on and have had a lifetime of gp's dismissing your pain and discomfort. I really think a private gp might be the way forward for support with your medical issues.

It just be so hard watching your parents struggle. I think you need to reframe the idea of your mother going into a home. In a care home she will get the support she needs so that life is not such a struggle for both parents. You won't need to feel endless guilt about not being there all the time and when you do visit you can focus on your Mum and not doing jobs to support them.

In terms of trying to enjoy time with your own dc, could you go to events / places with them but not eat? Then you can still be present in their lives and enjoy their company but do your eating at home where it is more comfortable to manage your symptoms? It sounds so debilitating, I can't believe there isn't a way to help you with medication....the NHS can often be quite limited in what it will suggest as only certain medications are licenced for use.

Wishing you the best of luck with all the great suggestions people have given you.

I'll look into trying to build those foods slowly into my diet.

I have had intolerance tests over the years and had one just a few months ago out of desperation. It always flags up wheat and I need to completely eliminate it out of my diet. I will go wheat/gf for a week or so but end up craving bread so much that I fall off the wagon. I have been through every off the shelf gf bread and they all leave me unimpressed or worst still nauseous or with gut pain due to the added high fodmap ingredients. I know that I have to say my goodbyes to bread forever but I have eliminated so much it feels a step too far but on the flip side I feel awful so the bread and wheat will have to go this new year coming.

No idea where you’re located @Tartansocksandcrocs (with a username like that, maybe Scotland?) but I’ve had success with Gail’s GF bread and another company called Good Grain Bakery which are sold through Ocado and Good Earth stores.

Good Grain will ship you stuff. I get a few loaves, cut them in half and freeze them. They’re the closest to ready bread I’ve found, and don’t contain UPF. Not tried their bagels and beware of mistakenly ordering the olive bread and put jam on it 😆

Wheat has an awful effect on me, but when I cut it out, I feel heaps better. However, give yourself longer than a week… give it a month if you can. (I know it’s hard on top of everything else, but 2026 needs to be about YOU )

Thank you. I really do need to go visit a private GP as I'm getting nowhere with my NHS one. I'm hoping the private one can offer something I've not yet tried.

I'm adjusting to the realisation that mum really does need to go into a care home, we simply can't cope but we can't get dad onboard with this thought yet, he knows he's not coping but he can't let go of the idea he's letting her down. I'm certain once he sees how well she is being cared for it will give him some peace. We will start with respite care so he can see how things go.