Wondering about age gap relationships and retirement

[qwertyskoo]

Dh and I saw his friend and wife today. She's 8 years younger than him, so not a massive age gap, but still, by the time she reaches state pension age he'll be 76. No idea why this thought hit me while we were talking but now I can't stop thinking about it.

Both of his parents' health rapidly deteriorated after 70. One sadly died before the age of 76 and the other was (still is) living in a residential home due to high care needs. So, if he takes after his parents health-wise they're not looking at much of a retirement together. He drank and smoked heavily when he was younger so probably hasn't done himself any favours there, though he has stopped smoking now and doesn't drink so much anymore. Also had some kind of health scare when he was about 30 I think.

So anyway, I was thinking that I hope they're putting extra money into pensions and investments so she can retire early if she wants to and they can at least enjoy some retirement together.

But I don't know how they would afford to. I don't know their exact salaries of course, but neither are in particularly high paid professions. They do seem to fritter money away a bit and also take out loans when they need to buy a car or do home improvements. Nothing wrong with that of course, as long as their debt is manageable and they're not frittering beyond their means, but I don't see how it would leave them with money to spare to put away for the future.

They have two children together and he has a child from a previous relationship, so the entire time they've been together they've had dependents. By the time their youngest is 18 he'll only be a few years off retirement age, so it's not like they can even start ploughing money into pensions once their children are grown.

I know I'm likely to get a load of responses asking why I'm obsessively overthinking another couple's retirement plans. And I know that for all I know they've won the lottery or something and have millions in their pensions.

It just made me think, would you warn your children off relationships with age gaps of more than, say, 3 or 4 years for this reason?

Does it matter if they won't have much of a retirement together as long as they're happy now?

I think there are lots of potential issues about an age gap relationship that should be considered, but getting to retire simultaneously isn't one that I'd ever have given much thought to tbh.
From the couple of friend/aquaintances I have known my concerns would be more what you life would look like on other ways.
I know a couple who had (my guess) a 20 plus year age gap. Women always younger.
Fine until the women was in her late 40s/50s and suddenly found she was living with a grumpy old man. One divorced and remarried someone her own age, the other just doesn't seem very happy. Haven't quizzed her on her marriage but from things she has said and the way she talks about him it doesn't seem a happy marriage.
I don't know if that is only the age gap, or given that she is about the age of his children from his previous relationship, if the relationship was founded on a power imbalance. (my maths from the age of her children say she must have met him on her early 20s) and it's not just that he's got old, but also she has grown up and less malleable.
That said, they are still together after 25-30 off years, so hopefully she doesn't regret her choices.
However, once they are both past like 25, I wouldn't even consider 8 years a significant age gap.

I find that really sad tbh.
If the ages were reversed I think people would be very critical if him dumping her because she was getting old. It's not like the age gap was a secret, did she not consider that aspect before they got married?
Obviously no one should stay in a relationship out of guilt. But they also shouldn't enter a marriage without planning for the future. Doesn't seem like the 20 years of marriage can have been that good if she was prepared to end it for such a shallow reason.
Glad she's happy, sad for him that he's ended his life sick and dying alone.

I find it sad too. For better for worse, in sickness and in health. Instead she runs when it gets hard. Not something I will do.

My DH is 7 years older than me. We will retire together at the same time.

My father remarried someone 25 years his junior. He retired at 65 and she kept working for quite a while (very senior in her profession). She did retire pre covid in order to spend more time with him. He’s in very good health for his age though and money is not an issue (no children). I do feel for her. She will face being without him (they adore each other) in her older years. She’s given up a lot to be with him. Tbh I hope she meets someone else, but I hope she doesn’t become a target for someone unscrupulous, because she will be asset rich. I don’t want her to be taken advantage of.

Actually I think it might be Minimum Wage, which is a similar idea.
Edited to add: I see that it is indeed Minimum Wage....I got the gist from the context.

There's 9 years between me and Mr Monkey (he is the older one). I have to say, I am not sure why we would need to retire "together" in any case. We get leave and weekends to spend with each other now. If we did retire at the exactly the same time then we would still be doing separate volunteering/hobby things, not spending all our time together.

We haven't spoken aboit it in detail but he gets a very decent DB occupational.pension at 60 and his state pension at 67. I will only be able to draw my occupational pensions at 65 and then state pension at 68 (may be later). His vague plans so far are to carry on working between 60 and 65 and may be reduce some hours to focus more on his hobby.

I want to carry on working full time, manily because I enjoy it but also to maxlmise my pension pot. I do also plan to carry on working after retirement in board and NED positions.

Of course these plans rely on us continuing to be in the good health we are in now.

My husband is 11 years older than me. I earn a lot more than him. We've planned our finances carefully so that when he retires, I will cut down my work to part time for a few years and then retire early. We don't have kids so it's been much easier to plan for this financially.

We are 8 years apart, not particularly long by some peoples standards but it means I have the luxury of retiring far earlier that otherwise I could afford, long before my state pension. He retired at 60 and I’m working on a bit but will be retiring at 54

Wasn't going to say because it kind of defeats the object of changing some details of you're going to say you've changed them, but, no, they wouldn't recognise themselves from what I've posted here.

So it seems people in age gap relationships have three options when it comes to retirement.

1. Save and invest so the younger partner can retire early, which means possibly making some sacrifices when young.

1. Don't make any extra savings and investments and both retire at or around state pension age and accept they'll have two separate retirements.

1. Don't make any extra savings and investments, the younger partner retires early and they just have a poorer retirement.

I wish I had thought about this before. My DH is 12 years older than me and now 64. Because he has never looked or acted his age, I just ignored it for years. Now he is talking about wanting to retire when he gets his state pension, I have just started a new career and can’t imagine ever retiring completely. I don’t qualify for my state pension for another 16 years!
We are lucky to have good pensions, and I can get mine at 60, but our mortgage runs on into his retirement, which didn’t matter at the time, but since my career change it will be difficult.
And I can’t really see us having the kind of retirement where we go on holiday a lot like his parents did. I think I am still in denial tbh.

My DH is 75 and has only just given up a couple of part time jobs. He has state pension and draws on a private pension he saved into. I am 13 years younger and recently gave up my life long career (very willingly) and now work part time remotely. The work is flexible so I can pick my hours to an extent. I will probably start drawing some from my private pension as I don’t get my state pension for another 5 years. After both having health scares we are very mindful of spending as much quality time together. We are both fortunate that we could afford to save into private pensions and appreciate it has given us more choices.

The majority of people under plan for retirement, age gap couples are no exception!

DH is ten years older than me. But I can’t see him wanting to fully retire before about 75, unless medical things impact that. I’ll probably retire before he does. Our pension positions are decent - could be better but there’s always a trade off between the present and the future.

Personally, I’ve seen too many of my parents friends die within a year or two of retirement to put too much of life on hold until then.

The example of a poster’s friend leaving her husband because he was getting old is pretty gross.

My husband is 19 years older and retired. I work 3 days a week for 12 hrs a day. We have plenty of time together. It really no issue at all. I don’t resent working as he’s done his time. Married 20 years

edit to say that he has a very good pension and retired at 57 so money isn’t an issue. I like working to build up my own pension

My DH is 11 years older and has retired, but we have teen/preteen DCs and his life right now is taken up with ferrying them around!
So in essence he's a SAHD.
Both his parents lived into their 80s so I imagine we have a long time ahead of us but also with DCs in school it's not like we'd be going on long cruises in term time.

My husband is 10 years older than me. He is 64 and I am 54. I always think it has worked out quite well financially. When we met I was still a graduate student and he was working so subsidized me. Now he is gradually reducing his official working hours and income but I am earning better than ever and will do for a few more years so that has filled in the gap. Effectively we've kind of smoothed our joint income due to our different ages.

Our circumstances are maybe particularly favourable. We're both academics (though husband is half academic, half self employed) and love what we do. It's also very flexible eg we spent all of September in the south of France, half on holiday and half working. Most academics I know carry on working to some extent even after offical retirement. My husband certainly doesn't plan to fully stop working any time soon. He's very fit and healthy and we both have had good pensions.

I can see it might cause slight complication for people with a less favourable work set up. There is a bit of a danger that you lose those fit and healthy years immediately post retirement. It might make sense for the older partner to work a bit longer and the younger partner to stop a bit earlier than otherwise. But is that such a big problem? And I cant be the only person for whom the fact that my husband was able to buy a house before me due to being older was very helpful and led to a better financial position for me later (which I am returning now, in a way)

I find OP obsessing about this couples private life really intrusive and inappropriate.

Me too. Imagine coming across it as the woman she's writing about....!

Get a life… if your that bored do some charity work….

My family relation is 25 year younger than her husband. He had a fantastic career and a marvellous pension package plus loads of savings, stocks shares and investments. His will is made up in his wife's favour. However she is extremely ill with cancer. We dont know whats going to happen. He is utterly heartbroken.
Everything in life is as good as a roll of the dice

Blimey. That's a weird level of freaky obsession in someone else's life.

DH is 9 years older than me, but he still has his DM alive aged almost 90 and my parents are both in their late 80s, so we're not particularly worried that one of us will 'die young'.

Actually, that ship has sailed. We are both retired and enjoying time together, and hope to have another 20 years or more.