Wondering about age gap relationships and retirement

[qwertyskoo]

Dh and I saw his friend and wife today. She's 8 years younger than him, so not a massive age gap, but still, by the time she reaches state pension age he'll be 76. No idea why this thought hit me while we were talking but now I can't stop thinking about it.

Both of his parents' health rapidly deteriorated after 70. One sadly died before the age of 76 and the other was (still is) living in a residential home due to high care needs. So, if he takes after his parents health-wise they're not looking at much of a retirement together. He drank and smoked heavily when he was younger so probably hasn't done himself any favours there, though he has stopped smoking now and doesn't drink so much anymore. Also had some kind of health scare when he was about 30 I think.

So anyway, I was thinking that I hope they're putting extra money into pensions and investments so she can retire early if she wants to and they can at least enjoy some retirement together.

But I don't know how they would afford to. I don't know their exact salaries of course, but neither are in particularly high paid professions. They do seem to fritter money away a bit and also take out loans when they need to buy a car or do home improvements. Nothing wrong with that of course, as long as their debt is manageable and they're not frittering beyond their means, but I don't see how it would leave them with money to spare to put away for the future.

They have two children together and he has a child from a previous relationship, so the entire time they've been together they've had dependents. By the time their youngest is 18 he'll only be a few years off retirement age, so it's not like they can even start ploughing money into pensions once their children are grown.

I know I'm likely to get a load of responses asking why I'm obsessively overthinking another couple's retirement plans. And I know that for all I know they've won the lottery or something and have millions in their pensions.

It just made me think, would you warn your children off relationships with age gaps of more than, say, 3 or 4 years for this reason?

Does it matter if they won't have much of a retirement together as long as they're happy now?

DH is 9 years older than me and this is definitely on my mind. We contribute heavily to pensions and plan for DH to retire at 62 ish and me at 57 so we can do lots of travelling and have quality time together.

DH is 13 years older than me and has just turned 60. I worry about this all the time. Mainly that I will have to continue working to make up the drop in DHs income and then by the time I get to retire I’ll just spend my retirement as his carer

My husband is 8 years older than me. He’s 66 this spring and qualifies for his state pension but doesn’t have a private pension. He works part time in a MW job and will continue working past his 66 birthday as it’s a job he enjoys and the nature of the hours make it very manageable. My job puts me in the top tax bracket and I’m more than happy for him to retire on his 66th birthday. But I think he’s worried that retiring whilst I’m still working will age him!

Both of our fathers died at the age of 70. When you consider this alongside the fact that my husband was a VERY heavy smoker (gave up over 20 years ago but still!), the opportunity for us to have a long, enjoyable retirement together is significantly reduced. It weighs heavy on my mind.

Fortunately, I have an excellent pension. Whilst I’m still enjoying my career ( even though I work really long hours and often lie awake at night thinking about the responsibility for others that I hold) I will be retiring early at Christmas next year. At which time, he’ll retire so that we can make the most of the however many good years we have left. Which are hopefully many

Is your life financial plan water tight for every eventuality? If it’s not, maybe start your focus there & stop being so nosy about someone you should be a friend to instead of being in your “mean girl” mode.

age gap relationships in my experience generally work very well and have people in them with eyes wide open and get a lot back from both parties.

Fair enough. It hardly sounds like the dream!

Yes I agree with you.
You are obsessing over their business , let them deal with themselves and you do you .

My BF was married to a man 12 years older and they were happy for almost 20 years but when he hit 60 he got "old" quickly. It coincided with Covid and she said she could see their future together when he retired and she didn't like it.
She divorced him and is now with someone the same age as her and is having a great life. Sadly her ex is now very ill and she avoided being his carer - he was well when she left him though

I’m 8 years younger than my husband. He retired at 70, because that’s when he wanted to, and I retired at 66 because that’s when suited me. We are both still alive and relatively healthy and doing the things we want - quality over quantity really.

On the flipside, my dad was a year younger than my mum, who died before either of them reached retirement age. My maternal grandmother, two years younger than my grandad was widowed at 56 (almost 30 years before she retired and 40 years before she died).

It’s all a crapshoot and not worth worrying over for yourself, let alone someone else.

My husband is 8 years older than me.
He has just retired at age 59. I’m retired too. I disability retired at age 40.

We don’t always get to choose when to retire. Whatever you think might happen, something completely different may happen.

Currently, my pension income is all the income we have. Doesn’t matter to us and the world always assumes he’s the one with the income anyway thanks to every day sexism.

I think you can't help who you fall in love with.

Surely the increased risk of only having a short retirement together, is worth it if you are happy for the preceding 40 odd years ?

It just seems such an odd thing to worry about.

Huh? It's anonymous!

Everyone's circumstances and life route is different, it's impossible to predict!
I am younger than my DH and retired early to enjoy retirement together.
I saved a lot in order to do so.

What's a MW job when it's at home? I DO wish people would stop using so many acronyms. HDYUT. It's bloody annoying.

DJYMD.

Every situation is different. DH is 20 years older than me and we just retired at the same time so it hasn't been an issue for us. I can see how it can be an issue though.

Manual Work?
Often the context makes it clear.
Without context I couldn't even begin to guess HDYUT and DJYMD'

How do you understand that?
Do just use ???

DP is only 3 years older than me. We only met 4 years ago both late 40s. He has saved lots into his pension and will retire 5 years before me. We both chatted about it. He is happy to retire and look after the house. But says he will get a part time job to not get bored

I am looking at a retire and return or part time when he retires. But honestly as much as we both want to not work, we are not good at doing nothing, so I imagine some form of work, volunteering etc is going to happen.

Sorry.
Minimum wage. What I was trying to clumsily say is that there’s no his money/my money. It’s our money and we’re fortunate enough to be able use it to make sure that despite the age gap we can retire together

Minimum Wage is not exactly difficult to guess, in the context of the post.

It isn't a MN thing, it is just an English language thing unlike yours.

No stop overthinking everything and mind your own business.

What makes you think your children would listen to you anyway.

My sister's in a long term happy age gap relationship. They are both retired even though their ages are different.

My husband is 8 years older - he retired a few years ago at 67 and I’ve just retired at 62 having worked a few extra years part time. I got my main workplace pension at 60, so just waiting for my state one and we have enough from his two pensions, and mine to live on.

My DH of 22 years was 8 years older and died of a brain tumour at 51. We both earned well and had been saving extra for retirement. All for nothing. Life gives you the finger sometimes.

Similar age gap here and we’re prioritising ISAs and pensions to allow me to retire when he does. We’re fortunately in a position to do that.

I know others in similar situations who are expecting large inheritances to fund it, but we’ll be very unlikely to inherit anything so have been saving for it.

I’m so sorry @trimma

There is enough info that the people being referred to could probably identify themselves. I'm sure they'd be thrilled with the OP scrutinising their retirement plans on a public forum, as well as them saying she isn't really their friend and she just tolerates them.