My deceased husband read my text message :(

[WhiteWidowWithAttitude]

My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly two years ago. I’m mid 40s with children (tweens through to very late teens) and it floored me completely. I’m a very introverted person when it comes to personal emotion though, so I don’t talk to friends or cry with them about my loss. I can’t cry in front of the kids because if they see me destabilised, it scares and upsets them.

Sometimes it feels like I’m completely alone in my grief because of this, but one of the things that kept me going was sending him text messages. His phone account was a work and personal one (the handset was his), and his employer left it connected for over six months. Mainly I think so I could still use it for all the administrative shit that comes with dealing with a death.

The phone is in my bedside drawer. Mostly without battery, but sometimes I would charge it, to get access to emails, get photos etc etc. I would send him text messages saying all the things that I never ever got to say. Sometimes sad and gushy, other times jokey, sometimes just mundane shit when I wanted to talk to him and couldn’t. One day, the messages stopped going through. It was sad, but I knew the account wouldn’t be active forever. It was just another thing that I had to try to move on from. I still sent texts, but they just stayed green and it didn’t bother me.

Well it was his birthday not long ago. I hadn’t messaged him for a couple of months. I sent him a happy birthday message. Along the lines of “Happy birthday my love, miss you and love you, the kids are doing well, you’d be proud of them, until I see you again, WW xx” etc. Imagine my shock when the messages was delivered in blue and I instantly got a read receipt!? At first I felt relieved, like the last two years had been a bad dream, the replying bubble started showing, and my heart was in my mouth and then it stopped. Then for a split second I wondered if I was dreaming, or worse going mad. Then the penny dropped that his mobile number must have been recycled and some poor fucker had just received a very personal and random message. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

They have never replied to say “who is this?” Or “sorry, wrong number”. Which to be honest, I’m glad about, I didn’t want to have a conversation with a random, explaining or apologising. But obviously it means that I can never text him again. It’s like another part of him is gone.

Grief is so damn shit. Everyone says that time heals, but sometimes it feels like there will always be things that come along to kick you in the guts, just when you think you’re doing a bit better.

Sorry for the essay, and I don’t know what I wanted from posting this, but there’s no one in real life I could share it with. It makes me feel a bit better that this story would probably have given him a right good laugh at my expense, we had pretty dark humour and the thought of me waiting for a reply from the grave would have made him giggle.

Assuming they used one of the big providers such as Voda or EE business accounts, the likelihood of the number being redistributed to someone he knows is tiny. Its more likely to end up with someone elsewhere in their commercial network with another company entirely.

I get why you do it - I still have DH’s phone and put it onto PAYG and stick a tenner a year on the account so that its still active and his number. Occasionally I check it or send a message to it. I look at the last messages on it. It's not rational but honestly I could not care less what anyone else thinks - it helps me.

It might still be possible to reclaim the number - the blue doesn’t automatically mean another person has the number. If not then email or other messaging forms might serve the same purpose.

Might be worth somewhere to get support for your loss as a clinician this is what I am sure you would advise. My mom last year lost my dad she goes to a bereavement hub once a month, she was very difficult to deal with for the first 8 months I probably wasn’t the best person to support her as I am ill too with renal failure. Anyway she stopped going to this hub I rang them told them she was struggling & they rang her & she has been going ever since. She has been a lot better, there was someone there with small children & is in their 30’s, helped put in perspective for my mom as they are elderly & had many years together. Hope this helps, sometimes being told to get help can motivate you to do something about it. Sending hugs.

If ever you just want to talk about your husband and have a good cry without worrying about upsetting your kids (I note that your kids do sometimes cry about him, but I think you've picked up that they might be trying to avoid this), then remember you can always phone Samaritans (free on 116 123)and tell them you're grieving. They know that there are no solutions to offer, but they'll listen while you talk about him, and that can be a relief.

I’m sorry this happened, it must’ve been really jarring. When my mum died 10 years ago it took a good while for her number to be reassigned, but it’s still in my favourites. My friend passed away this year and it only took a few months for her number - her husband got a notification on a social media app that his wife had joined and was online 😟. Thankfully I’ve never had anything like that for my mum but if I did at the time it would’ve been a very confusing mix of pain and comfort

For the children

https://winstonswish.org

Ah, I’m sorry OP. My own husband died suddenly five years ago and I remember the day his number got reassigned because I suddenly got loads of notifications saying he’d “left” all our WhatsApp groups. You’re right, those things will always come along and knock you for six. But I promise it won’t always been as rough as it is right now. You will find joy and even contentment again, as impossible as that seems right now, and when those reminders come, there will be a bittersweet pleasure mixed in with the pain as the loveliness of being reminded so sharply of him will start to cut through the agony. I thought I would never be able to go on after my DH died – he was my soulmate and the great love of my life and he always will be. But I have discovered other meaning in life, and you will too. Sending you lots of love and solidarity.

Not sure if this has been suggested already, but could you get a PAYG sim for DHs phone that’s still in the drawer so that you can still text a number and it will still go to his phone? Or you could politely message the new owner of the number and ask if they could block you so that you can continue the thread? I can’t imagine anyone being anything other than kind if this was requested! Sending lots of love and warm wishes. You are a very strong person but just wanted to say that maybe crying in front of the kids wouldn’t upset them as much as you think? It might show them that it’s okay to feel sad and it’s good to talk about it? Just a suggestion and reminder to try to not carry this all alone- of course you know what’s going to be best for you and your children though xx

I have multiple WhatsApp chats with myself, called different things. You have to create it as a group and enter your own number, but I have one for To do, one for food saves (share recipes off Facebook etc), one for Christmas etc.

You could create one with his name or whatever as the group title, and use that to chat to him on.

Sending you all my sympathy for all aspects of this situation, and primarily for the loss of your husband.

I personally do believe in an afterlife but I also think that even someone who doesn't, and someone of a scientific bent such as yourself, can know that there are many things that we still don't understand about how things work. For example people having near-death experiences and how they "see" things that they shouldn't be able to see or how they often experience similar sensations despite being different people, with different beliefs, and different situations. In this way I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to have a sense that your husband is still with you and I absolutely think you are right.

I think the "send a message to yourself" suggestion is inspired. I do this myself (different scenario).

I do think that you would benefit from grief counselling. It's very tough for you to have to shoulder all this on your own.

All the best OP.

I’m genuinely sorry for your loss. Grief is the hardest thing we go through. and to lose your husband is so so sad.

Do you use WhatsApp? You can WhatsApp yourself. You could even change your name to his so that’s whats at the top. If you put the message in archive, you won’t even see them arrive. You can just keep sending them to build up in archive.

My DH died before mobile phone use was prominent but I kept answer phone messages on the landline he’d left for years. It’s so hard to let go. When I eventually moved house it was another punch in the gut.

That's very upsetting OP and I echo what others said about sending yourself the messages or setting up an email address and sending them to that.

I just wanted to suggest - I am also pretty stoic, but have found therapy very useful. Being vulnerable to a professional who is completely separated from your life lets me have an outlet I otherwise do not have because of my stoic nature. I really recommend it. It's scarier than it sounds but it's definitely worth it.

I used exactly this metaphor when my wife died (when I was trying to explain my grief to my son). I said it was like a huge hole in the garden, taking up almost the whole garden and going down so far I couldn't see the bottom. I said that I would spend weeks, months staring into the depths but that eventually plants would grow around the edges, softening the stark reality, but without ever changing the dimensions of the hole.

To be fair, he looked at me as if I was insane...

One of our graveyards has a postbox in it for precisely this reason. I think it's a beautiful thing.

I havent read the whol thread, perhaps you could get a pay as you go sim card and set this up as his number? That way you could continue texting as long as you wish, have his number in the favourites etc.

Also, you may find talking to a therapist helpful, perhaps allowing yourself to break down crying, with a someone who isnt directly involved. With the right therapist this feels good.

OP, when someone I loved died, I planted a tree in a pot in their memory and went out to talk to them and tend to it. It really helped. And there's no danger of the message going to the wrong person. I am so sorry you are going through this. It is unbelievably tough.

So sorry OP grief is so very hard, you think your getting better then it comes from nowhere and kicks you in the guts again.