My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly two years ago. I’m mid 40s with children (tweens through to very late teens) and it floored me completely. I’m a very introverted person when it comes to personal emotion though, so I don’t talk to friends or cry with them about my loss. I can’t cry in front of the kids because if they see me destabilised, it scares and upsets them.
Sometimes it feels like I’m completely alone in my grief because of this, but one of the things that kept me going was sending him text messages. His phone account was a work and personal one (the handset was his), and his employer left it connected for over six months. Mainly I think so I could still use it for all the administrative shit that comes with dealing with a death.
The phone is in my bedside drawer. Mostly without battery, but sometimes I would charge it, to get access to emails, get photos etc etc. I would send him text messages saying all the things that I never ever got to say. Sometimes sad and gushy, other times jokey, sometimes just mundane shit when I wanted to talk to him and couldn’t. One day, the messages stopped going through. It was sad, but I knew the account wouldn’t be active forever. It was just another thing that I had to try to move on from. I still sent texts, but they just stayed green and it didn’t bother me.
Well it was his birthday not long ago. I hadn’t messaged him for a couple of months. I sent him a happy birthday message. Along the lines of “Happy birthday my love, miss you and love you, the kids are doing well, you’d be proud of them, until I see you again, WW xx” etc. Imagine my shock when the messages was delivered in blue and I instantly got a read receipt!? At first I felt relieved, like the last two years had been a bad dream, the replying bubble started showing, and my heart was in my mouth and then it stopped. Then for a split second I wondered if I was dreaming, or worse going mad. Then the penny dropped that his mobile number must have been recycled and some poor fucker had just received a very personal and random message. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
They have never replied to say “who is this?” Or “sorry, wrong number”. Which to be honest, I’m glad about, I didn’t want to have a conversation with a random, explaining or apologising. But obviously it means that I can never text him again. It’s like another part of him is gone.
Grief is so damn shit. Everyone says that time heals, but sometimes it feels like there will always be things that come along to kick you in the guts, just when you think you’re doing a bit better.
Sorry for the essay, and I don’t know what I wanted from posting this, but there’s no one in real life I could share it with. It makes me feel a bit better that this story would probably have given him a right good laugh at my expense, we had pretty dark humour and the thought of me waiting for a reply from the grave would have made him giggle.