Adorer or adored?

[Giveitsomewelly]

Is it better to be the adorer in a relationship or adored?

I was in a very long marriage where I was the adorer. I literally waited hand on foot for that man and loved him with every fibre of my being. It was an extremely toxic and emotionally abusive relationship. He even spat at me, dragged me around by my hair, rubbed my face in food etc. I finally left him and was single for 5 years.

In my new relationship of a year, I am the one being adored. He treats me like a queen and is kind, thoughtful and respectful. He loves to make me happy. I however feel like at this stage, I only want to make myself happy and that is my first priority.

This has led me to question if I’m truly in love with him. I worry he loves me more than I love him. I would hate to hurt him. This relationship feels so different and the dynamic is making me question how I feel.

I suffer with anxiety and had a very traumatic childhood so I don’t know how much is me overthinking/ self sabotaging or a trauma response.

I have had lots of counselling in my time.

Any insights would be helpful, thank you.

Does it have to be either? Why not aim for a relationship of roughly equal ‘adoring’? It’s baffling to me why you loved someone who spat on you and was violent. If you’re this discombobulated by someone who doesn’t mistreat you,it sounds as if you need more therapy.

Neither. For a relationship to be balanced and healthy it needs to be mutual.

A balanced relationship is always best.

And adoring someone does not mean 'waiting on them hand and foot'.

If it’s baffling to you then you might want to look up childhood trauma and abuse and how that impacts a person, especially around self worth/ relationships.

I feel enough shame about staying for as long as I did, I didn’t expect more on a forum meant to help and support women.

I just meant that I was showed my love in that relationship by doing acts of service, taking great care of him etc. In my new relationship, he does that with me.

It can feel overwhelming as he puts my happiness above his own and loves to make me happy. I want to protect my peace and focus on my own happiness first and foremost and that makes me question things.

Yes I know what it means.

But again, equal adoration (if there's any adoring to be done) is always best.

I wouldn't overthink it really but if it's really bothering you, perhaps it's best to give relationships a swerve for a while.

I think a healthy relationship is a bit of both. You should both want to make each other happy. Be careful of love bombing - if you find the behaviour of your new partner too overwhelming can you talk to him and ask him to lay off a bit?

It’s definitely not love bombing. He just genuinely is a kind, caring person.

Ive recently told him that I want him to speak up about things he would like as apposed to going along with what I want. Even silly things like what to watch or where to eat.

I totally get where you’re coming from. Could it be that you’ve never been given this level of attentiveness/love before, so it feels alien to you? Maybe even unsafe? Like, what do you need to do in return, or when will it stop?

I do think that too much of an unbalance in a relationship is usually down to co-dependency. Co-dependency and prior trauma go hand in hand. It’s not a failing, just a trauma response. You take on a “role” in a relationship and the entire relationship hinges on those roles being kept. If the equilibrium changes from either party at any point, then conflict usually occurs.

For example, you may be taking the role of receiver here and him the giver. He may be doing this due to co-dependency/trauma response. It might be something he’s learned he has to do to keep safe.

It’s good that you want to lean towards self nurturing etc as when you are playing the role of receiver in a relationship like this, it’s very diminishing and you end up losing your autonomy and independence. If it carries on long enough, you could end up lacking self esteem and happiness. In some ways, you are being controlled still, even though it’s dressed up as love.

If I were you, I’d step up for yourself a bit more. Take what you want from him, but don’t fall into the role of being helpless. Be more independent and autonomous. If it creates disharmony in the relationship, then you know it’s not healthy and not the relationship for you.

I experienced CSA as a young child. I’m alas all too well aware of how that impacts self-esteem. I would suggest more therapy if you still associate ‘adoration’ with being abused.

That makes your comment even more hurtful then.

I am sorry you also experienced such trauma.

And I do not associate adoration with being abused. I was just trying to explain how I felt in my marriage and that I was head over heels in love, despite how he treated me.

Thank you for such a kind and well thought out response. Lots of food for thought x

Wishing you all the best. I’m sorry for what you went through. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. Lots of kindness and compassion for yourself and knowing your strength. 💐

It sounds as though you’re mistaking his behaviour for being “adoring” when it isn’t. He’s overly attentive, passive, and avoids expressing how he really feels about things and what he wants to do not because he primarily really cares about making you happy, but because he cares about himself and not being dumped because you don’t agree on things. A lot of people confuse the two - but just as you did in your abusive relationship, adoring your ex and waiting on him hand and foot in the vain hope he’d be nicer to you and not hurt you as a result, you’re now just back on the opposite side of a similar unhealthy dynamic.

Healthy relationships where couples love and respect each other are mutual, there’s no adored and adorer dynamic. Neither is afraid to express themselves or put themselves first where need be for fear of losing the love of their partner unless they’re constantly showing their adoration. Your hesitancy and wanting to prioritise yourself doesn’t mean you don’t love him, but might indicate you actually sense the dynamic isn’t quite right.

Wow I’ve never thought about it like that. I guess it’s hard to gage what a healthy relationship is when you’ve not had any examples. I really thought that because he treated me well and is kind and thoughtful that it meant it was healthy.

I agree with this absolutely

It depends whether he really always puts himself last/neglects his own needs (not healthy ) or he’s simply not fussed about certaIn things(can be healthy). Does he ever say no or insists on something? How do you react then?

No he never insists about anything. He is very laid back and says he doesn’t mind and lets me choose/plan most things.

Id like him to take the lead more. Im used to more Alpha type energy. I’ve expressed this. He says he worries he’ll get it wrong so leaves things to me.

Being laid back is one thing: some people just don’t care about the minutiae. He doesn’t need to be an “Alpha” - and I think you need to reframe that concept in your head, because that’s certainly not a good thing, either.

He may well be a genuinely kind man who likes making others happy, but I think his fear of “getting it wrong” i.e. saying or doing something you don’t agree with is the unhealthy part. If his response is always “but I just want to do what makes you happy, that’s all I care about” then that’s not sustainable in a relationship - particularly not since, at least some of the time, what’s going to make you happy is not always having to do all of the thinking and make all of the decisions because he won’t do it. In the early stages of a relationship, when most of the decision making is more around what restaurant you go to, or where you go for the weekend, it often doesn’t seem unhealthy but thoughtful and loving; but it’s sure going to get tiresome later on, when you just want him to say what he means and DECIDE something, and when you begin second-guessing yourself about whether he’s really happy with what you’ve decided or whether he secretly resents it but is afraid to say so.

I don’t know OP , he sounds like a good guy to me , it’s just alien to you given your child hood & abusive husband.
Some people are just very laid back & really kind , your current partner sounds like that .
If you two get on very well & you’re attracted to him , I wouldn’t be so quick to throw that away .
I know it’s probably annoying him leaving everything up to you to choose , but is that really that big a deal ??
I think I’d be able to get past that somehow .
There’s no perfect relationship .

Yes I can see how this could happen!

I just want him to choose himself first and focus on his happiness and then me as a nice addition to his life, as I think of him.

That last sentence is where it veers into unhealthy. He gets it wrong, so what? You talk about, you figure it out. That’s how people learn and grow. Being that afraid to lose someone is not healthy. Plus, do you even know who he is as a person, a real person, if he always just moulds himself according to your wants and needs?

OH is genuinely, incredibly laid back, however at times he’ll insist on something that he wants or doesn’t want. I definitely listen then because it happens so rarely, so it must matter.

And OP that’s something that can easily be sorted , so don’t dump him !!!! 😂

I don’t want to dump him. I just worry that he loves me more than I love him and that feels unfair. But I don’t even know if that’s true or my anxiety/ trauma talking.

'He says he worries he’ll get it wrong so leaves things to me.'

Yeah that's where it gets not healthy. What is he worried that he'll get wrong? How can you get the 'wrong' restaurant or the 'wrong' film. There is no right or wrong, just personal taste - and you just discuss that.

I think you've gone from one end of the spectrum to the other OP. You need someone balanced and stable, not someone who dominates and thinks they're always right or someone so lacking in confidence that they are too afraid to voice an opinion in case it's wrong.

IMO there is no such thing as loving someone more than they love you, you either love someone or you don't. There are all different shades of liking someone - but love is love - it's either there or it's not.

Maybe you like him because he defers to you and you're not used to that but maybe you don't love him because it doesn't feel authentic (and the reason for that is because he is too afraid to be himself).

I'm not convinced this is a great relationship OP.