Page 2 | Adorer or adored?

Giveitsomewelly · 2025-12-28T10:39:32+00:00

Is it better to be the adorer in a relationship or adored? I was in a very long marriage where I was the adorer. I literally waited hand on foot for that man and loved him with every fibre of my being. It was an extremely toxic and emotionally abusive relationship. He even spat at me, dragged me around by my hair, rubbed my face in food etc. I finally left him and was single for 5 years. In my new relationship of a year, I am the one being adored. He treats me like a queen and is kind, thoughtful and respectful. He loves to make me happy. I however feel like at this stage, I only want to make myself happy and that is my first priority. This has led me to question if I’m truly in love with him. I worry he loves me more than I love him. I would hate to hurt him. This relationship feels so different and the dynamic is making me question how I feel. I suffer with anxiety and had a very traumatic childhood so I don’t know how much is me overthinking/ self sabotaging or a trauma response. I have had lots of counselling in my time. Any insights would be helpful, thank you.

Original poster

Giveitsomewelly · 28/12/2025 12:13

cantbearsed247 · 28/12/2025 12:10

'He says he worries he’ll get it wrong so leaves things to me.'

Yeah that's where it gets not healthy. What is he worried that he'll get wrong? How can you get the 'wrong' restaurant or the 'wrong' film. There is no right or wrong, just personal taste - and you just discuss that.

I think you've gone from one end of the spectrum to the other OP. You need someone balanced and stable, not someone who dominates and thinks they're always right or someone so lacking in confidence that they are too afraid to voice an opinion in case it's wrong.

IMO there is no such thing as loving someone more than they love you, you either love someone or you don't. There are all different shades of liking someone - but love is love - it's either there or it's not.

Maybe you like him because he defers to you and you're not used to that but maybe you don't love him because it doesn't feel authentic (and the reason for that is because he is too afraid to be himself).

I'm not convinced this is a great relationship OP.

Edited

Yes maybe that is it. He said I can come across as selfish as I say what I do or don’t want/ have boundaries etc. I said it feels fake to do something I don’t want to and I’m just being honest. He thinks I use my honesty as a way of not caring how he thinks or feels as I’ll say “I can’t see how me saying how I feel hurts you” for example.

OP posts:

ABeerInTheSunshineMakesMeHappy · 28/12/2025 12:26

Neither. Power imbalance is not a good thing in a relationship whichever way round it is. You need to be equals.

awrbc81 · 28/12/2025 12:38

Neither is good, I have an equal respectful relationship with my DH, I wouldn’t expect or want him to “ put me on a pedestal”.
However are you mistaking being treated with kindness and respect (which is normal) with being adored (not normal)?
Also it doesn’t matter how well a man treats you, if he’s not right for you or you simply would rather be single you’re perfectly within your rights to end things. You don’t stay in a relationship that isn’t right just because you’re not being abused! Decent men aren’t abusive and most men are decent.
To me it sounds like this isn’t the man for you and you could do with being single and having more counselling before starting another relationship.

Original poster

Giveitsomewelly · 28/12/2025 12:42

awrbc81 · 28/12/2025 12:38

Neither is good, I have an equal respectful relationship with my DH, I wouldn’t expect or want him to “ put me on a pedestal”.
However are you mistaking being treated with kindness and respect (which is normal) with being adored (not normal)?
Also it doesn’t matter how well a man treats you, if he’s not right for you or you simply would rather be single you’re perfectly within your rights to end things. You don’t stay in a relationship that isn’t right just because you’re not being abused! Decent men aren’t abusive and most men are decent.
To me it sounds like this isn’t the man for you and you could do with being single and having more counselling before starting another relationship.

I was single for 5 years and had lots of counselling 😂

I feel so resentful of my past and trauma, like things I had no control over are ruining any chance of happiness.

OP posts:

SweeetFannyAdams · 28/12/2025 12:49

Giveitsomewelly · 28/12/2025 12:42

I was single for 5 years and had lots of counselling 😂

I feel so resentful of my past and trauma, like things I had no control over are ruining any chance of happiness.

Show quote history

Dating is not mandatory.

5 years or 10 years makes no difference if you're not ready.

WilfredsPies · 28/12/2025 13:20

Some times it can take a couple of goes to find a genuinely nice man after an abusive relationship. I dated someone who wouldn’t speak up because he very much wanted to be in a relationship and thought I would end it if he ever challenged me. As a result, he started to get a bit resentful of me for not doing the same thing for him and I started to feel contempt for him because it felt so transactional. He did something he thought was nice and in return, he wanted me to think he was the most amazing thing in the world and somehow know what he wanted to watch/do/eat etc and insist on doing that instead. That is never going to be a healthy relationship and if this is what he’s doing, I’m not sure that this is right for you.

Original poster

Giveitsomewelly · 28/12/2025 13:22

WilfredsPies · 28/12/2025 13:20

Some times it can take a couple of goes to find a genuinely nice man after an abusive relationship. I dated someone who wouldn’t speak up because he very much wanted to be in a relationship and thought I would end it if he ever challenged me. As a result, he started to get a bit resentful of me for not doing the same thing for him and I started to feel contempt for him because it felt so transactional. He did something he thought was nice and in return, he wanted me to think he was the most amazing thing in the world and somehow know what he wanted to watch/do/eat etc and insist on doing that instead. That is never going to be a healthy relationship and if this is what he’s doing, I’m not sure that this is right for you.

Thank you. I don’t feel it is either on reflection.

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Original poster

Giveitsomewelly · 28/12/2025 15:37

After adding some of our text threads onto chat gpt to see what it makes of us, it’s said I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship. Who knew! AI can be useful after all.

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Dontlletmedownbruce · 28/12/2025 15:57

Honestly I don't think anyone should be adoring anyone. Two people who love each other should feel loved and secure, and that means secure enough to say if they are not happy with something. One person shouldn't be constantly obsessing about the others happiness. Neither should feel the other is more worthy of love or adoration than they are. It should be meeting in the middle, ideally both having similar wants and needs but comprising when there is a clash.

Beachtastic · 29/12/2025 21:26

There's an old French proverb: Il y a toujours l’un qui baise et l’autre qui tend la joue - meaning "There's always one who kisses and the other who offers their cheek" (setting aside more modern meanings of "baiser"!).

I used to think this was one of those absolute truths in life until I met the right person. Mind you, it took me decades to do so, and in the meantime I tended to be the one doing all the "kissing"!

Mad really as DH is gazillion times more awesome than the blokes I used to feel in awe of.

It's hard to make sense of deep irrational attraction, but I have a horrible feeling hormones have a lot to answer for. My so-called "love" life didn't settle down into sanity until after the menopause...

Original poster

Giveitsomewelly · 30/12/2025 13:32

It turns out the worry I felt about not feeling as “in love” as him was because id emotionally detached to protect myself from his cruel words. They were personal attacks and always told he was just calling me out on my behaviour so I always believed it was me in the wrong.

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ComtesseDeSpair · 30/12/2025 14:41

I’m sorry to hear that, OP. I hope you have an idea of how you’re going to move forward.

The positive aspect of all this is that, whilst you’ve said you feel your past experiences are ruining your chance of happiness - this is an example of where that isn’t the case. You’ve felt something wasn’t quite right with this relationship, you’ve come here to post about it and seek advice. That means your experiences and the therapy you’ve done are giving you better boundaries and a healthy understanding of when a relationship doesn’t feel right and the insight to try and identify why that is. You could identify that a man who seemed on the surface to be behaving in a kind and thoughtful way was actually also hurting you. You’re getting to be in a better place to actually find happiness now you have that awareness of what does and doesn’t feel right.

VoltaireMittyDream · 30/12/2025 14:43

In a healthy, stable, reciprocal, non-abusive relationship you both love and respect each other and get along in a relatively boring pragmatic way. There’s no adoration or idealizing or putting anyone on a pedestal or waiting on anyone hand and foot.

I am sorry for the experiences you’ve had, OP.

awrbc81 · 30/12/2025 15:57

Giveitsomewelly · 30/12/2025 13:32

It turns out the worry I felt about not feeling as “in love” as him was because id emotionally detached to protect myself from his cruel words. They were personal attacks and always told he was just calling me out on my behaviour so I always believed it was me in the wrong.

Gaslighting….it’s really good that you have realised this sooner rather than later, you can end things and go in to the new year ready for a fresh start

Original poster

Giveitsomewelly · 31/12/2025 15:27

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/12/2025 14:41

I’m sorry to hear that, OP. I hope you have an idea of how you’re going to move forward.

The positive aspect of all this is that, whilst you’ve said you feel your past experiences are ruining your chance of happiness - this is an example of where that isn’t the case. You’ve felt something wasn’t quite right with this relationship, you’ve come here to post about it and seek advice. That means your experiences and the therapy you’ve done are giving you better boundaries and a healthy understanding of when a relationship doesn’t feel right and the insight to try and identify why that is. You could identify that a man who seemed on the surface to be behaving in a kind and thoughtful way was actually also hurting you. You’re getting to be in a better place to actually find happiness now you have that awareness of what does and doesn’t feel right.

Thank you. I’ve been feeling very hard on myself for not recognising this earlier. You have helped me reframe things and see that I have made progress. X

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