Socialising never picked up after covid

[Kaiti45]

Just that really, we’d recently moved to our village when I had my 10 year old and used to socialise and visit/ have friends round most days when she was a baby, stay with family for weekends etc. Have had 2 more children and now with my current one year old we rarely visit or have anyone around

As long as your house is reasonably clean, it certainly won't be that. My friends will pop around when it's my birthday, but generally we all meet for coffee in the village, even though we live quite close together - seems to be a popular thing to do in our area though.

Three children probably has made it harder as there will have been more times when they're your priority.

Have you suggested play dates with children from school? Also, look at clubs they or you would enjoy, it'll get you out and you'll meet other people.

I think group chats and messaging plus covid all affected it.

What are you doing to change all this? You live in a village, were there any Christmas events?
I live in a suburb, but on our street we have charity events and coffee mornings.
Can you invite your 6 year old's classmates round for playdates?
How about something like a Macmillan coffee morning for the neighbours?

Yes, I absolutely agree....socialising has definitely changed since COVID. I'm older and don't have any children around the house, so it isn't that.

Before COVID people would just knock on the door and come in for a cuppa. Or I'd see someone in the village and say, drop round tomorrow for a coffee. These days people don't do that, and if I ask, folk would rather "go out" - usually to a local coffee shop, or garden centre, or whatever.

Before COVID, there were lots of evening groups....painting, flower arranging, language learning. Now there are very few. Many local adult education courses have shut down. All the learning courses have gone online, which to my mind isn't the same as going somewhere and learning face to face. But I suppose it's easier for the tutor and I guess a younger generation are used to doing everything through a screen. I suspect all the meetings/schooling etc. which occurred online during COVID precipitated this change.

Ditto the local church. Niche I know, but nevertheless... Meetings online. No evening house groups. Even services streamed online. No-one seems to want to go out and actually be somewhere in person!! It wasn't just a service, it was getting to know likeminded people and make church friends.
At our local village school, even the governor's meetings went online; before we'd go up to the school and discuss things face to face. Have a coffee and biscuits, get to know each other. I finally gave up after the changes, too much online and no chance to really get to know the committee.

I totally see this. There is a real reluctance to socialise in homes now, where I live. For example, I’m part of a book group - very casual, half a dozen women, all know each other well. I am literally the only one who is happy to have people round for it. Others “can’t” because their house is “small” (perfectly normal size), “open plan” (aka won’t ask husband and kids to vacate the living room as a one off like my DM used to), or other reasons.

Covid accelerated this but I think it was a trend already happening

social media- making people feel bad about their homes, telling them to reject any kind of difference and cut people off

I think we are much less tolerant of difference , much more egotistic and want things our way - all those micro changes like why answer a door if it interrupts you

This genuinely isn’t my experience at all - if anything, I socialise more since COVID as I realised what I was missing out on when I was stuck at home alone for months on end.

I think it’s more to do with the fact that you had multiple children and your friends have multiple children - it’s much harder to just “pop round” anywhere when that’s the case.

Yes I do wonder, I think people are perhaps once bitten twice shy and if they came round or hosted once and other children were boisterous or dominated conversations or even your child didn’t fancy playing then it puts them off, even if your children have totally changed since then or will be busy with other things. When we both just had one of the same age people didn’t seem to mind so much as their children would as often as not be crying, have a tantrum etc. I do understand as people are busy and tired and don’t want to spend their precious time in a situation they think they may potentially find stressful, I feel the same and don’t particularly want to go to someone’s house if it’s dirty or the kids are overwhelming.

We aren't very sociable since Covid but it suits us - I've never liked socialising at home or other people's homes, and would much rather go out to a place to visit, or where dcs can play freely. But we also prioritise time as a family at weekends and have regular activities in the week for my school age dc. They do sports, dance and music, so are enrolled in weekly classes that they're committed to. We usually have a booked activity at weekends for us to do as a family so we don't have time for unscheduled play dates or just popping in to see people (almost everything needs to be booked in advance, including swimming and visits to attractions). And trips out are just more interesting to us than sitting in someone else's house, and then having one child to entertain without their sibling.

A few families around us seem to have more play dates, but it's mostly the parents of only children or big age gaps. If you have dcs close in age, it's nice to let them spend time together at weekends.

Yes totally, the popping round for a cuppa is the bit I miss, I do still socialise with a village group, went out for several Christmas dinners with work, village group and some mum friends and a couple of other old friends and regularly talk to people I know in our village and elsewhere and have a play date organised today at a local park. Yes have found the same with work, everything that can be online e.g meetings etc, we also offer classes as part of our organisation, which are fully booked but a significant number of people asking if they can just have the content rather than attend the classes, even if they don’t work or have other commitments which make
attending difficult

Yes I think some of my friends very much like you, I must admit it can be easier if your out with multiple children as you don’t have to be on edge worrying they’re going to break something in the hosts house, say they’re bored etc

Yes you would of thought most people would want to embrace socialising all the more after Covid

It’s not just those with children , as a PP said I’ve noticed it in friends without children or much older children - a lot of people have become much more insular and self contained and downright flakey when it comes to any socialising together. I’m not sure what it is , changing nature of those in relationships in some cases, sheer cost of going out , but don’t want people in their homes either or curmudgeonly partners who don’t want to ‘go out:/go to their bedroom etc , working from home in a couple of cases seems to have set off mild acrophobia - it’s all quite odd

Yes this definitely seems to be my experience, people do seem much more about boundary setting and avoiding the slightest potential inconvenience. I do get it and I’m the same to a certain extent, although quite a few occasions when I’ve thought why did I agree to this, is more hassle than it’s worth, I’ve come away having an overall positive experience

Is it perhaps also because more people work from home now?

Yes I have times people can pop over or vice versa when I haven’t got the children but it just doesn’t seem to happen.

But it sounds as if you’re talking about one very specific type of socialising — going to other people’s houses with your young children in the daytime? I mean, most people are working then, so surely it severely limits who’s available to do this with?

I am in a lovely friendly village group and my 10 year old does have friends round or goes to play at friends now they’re old enough to take themselves

I've definitely seen this change since COVID. It was always just normal that you took turns inviting to play/drink tea at home, but now we just all go to coffee shops despite the cost. I think our psychological bubbles have all got a bit bigger and having other people come into our space feels uncomfortable. Just as children clocked on some level that going into school was not essential, we clocked that inviting people into our personal space was not an obligation either.

In our case, though, we have a teen who is too anxious to go to school and inviting my friends into their safe space at home is an extra stress we can do without. Sad but true. But also sad to hear that younger children who are not as troubled are also not going round to play as much.

I agree op. Although we are a bit older too I guess. I used to go out quite a bit either with friends, or in a group with my DP, and we rarely do it now. Covid did seem to impact this hugely.

Yes we are really lucky to have quite a few things in our village like that and often catch up with friends there. There are also things like beavers and a few baby groups where the children can play with others there age so they do get to mix, plus with nursery and school. It’s just the having guests/visiting that used to be an almost daily occurrence that I miss

It’s a little odd you feel “very sorry” for your 6 year old child @Kaiti45 when presumably they spend lots of time socialising at school, and attend after school clubs with lots of time then with friends, and then multiple birthday parties and the odd play date after school here and there?

I have read the thread, and can’t really see you clarifying that you are doing much instigating of social gatherings…