How to not be upset at dh today?

[anotherdayanothernchange]

DH and I have dc, youngest is 8mo. I have done every night feed ever and the days where dh wakes up super early, it’s always me that’s gotten up with them. Always. Db for months now has always slept until 7/8am. Not today. They woke up at 5am, had a bottle and was very sick everywhere. Which I cleaned up. Anyway it was abundantly clear that db was not going back to sleep. They’re wide awake. I am ashamed to say I cried a bit, dh asked what was wrong and I said I’m just exhausted, cue dh staring off into space like he’s hard done by. I said what should I do (to prompt him to do something for once) and dh said put the baby in the cot which is what he’d have done if I asked him to do something. For what? To hear them cry and then get up? I’m so fed up of it. He will now be grumpy when he wakes up and honestly I just feel so upset right now. Probably because of the last 8 months of always me losing sleep. But it’s Christmas Eve, and older dc are excited so I don’t want to ruin it for them. What do I do? Do I tell dh how I feel when he gets up or ignore and pretend everything is fine for the sake of Christmas Eve? FWIW lately I’ve had 0 time to relax, even in the evening. When db went to sleep last night I did housework before falling into bed.

You need to tell him to step up otherwise you’ll end up unwell over Christmas. Is there anything that has made his behaviour worse?

Ok yes if I’m honest I would try to keep things happy and peaceful on Christmas Eve. But that would include saying to him ‘ ok time for you to take the kids out - are you going to park 1 or park 2?’ later on and bundling them out of the door for a nice time with Dad so you get a bit of peace. And make that a regular thing.

I think, if DH is going to be an arse and have an argument about it rather than stepping up and helping, you put it away until after Boxing Day. You paint a smile on and make it nice for the kids. When you get a moment you get it straight in your head what you’re going to say and what you want moving forward.

What does db stand for?

@Cricketashesdear baby. Sorry I just didn’t want to specify gender on the possibility of someone I know reading this.

I think DB is darling baby, it did confuse me slightly.

OP, you have limited energy and you have no one being kind to you. So my advice is to be kind to yourself. Don’t waste energy on your selfish husband.

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@PersephoneParlormaidyes you’re right. Other Dc aren’t up yet and I’ve had a cry and rallied myself together. DH has actually been like this since Monday; fine when the kids are around, very off with me. Dh actually got up 15 minutes after I did and it’s like why couldn’t you offer to take the baby if you were getting up anyway! I didn’t say this though. This is the man that always has a lie in when possible until 9:30ish, not someone who gets up before 6am. And yes he’s grumpy.

@PersephoneParlormaidah I must’ve missed that bit.

You can ask admin to tweak it for you.

@PermanentTemporarydh does his fair share with the other two I can’t deny but absolutely wouldn’t just take them out because I said to! Tbf park wise it’s drizzling here so not really possible anyway but still, no way would he take them out because I asked/told him to.

@PersephoneParlormaidthank you, I have sent a request.

Blimey he does sound like a wet lettuce if he isn’t actively trying to get them out of the house, whether it’s raining or not.

It does sound like honest communication between you is nonexistent. Maybe some couples therapy in the New Year just to learn how to raise issues without everything blowing up??

Is DH off work now for Xmas? He should give you some time to rest now!
I’d expect him to help out today and let you catch up on sleep later on

Fuck that, I’d tell him. Be calm and direct.
“Nigel, I’ve been up every night for the last 8 months and I’m mentally and physically exhausted. I want Christmas to be nice for the DC but it’s my Christmas too. Therefore you need to pull your head out of your arse, stop being a mardy twat and start stepping up. Now. So, X, Y, Z need doing and you are going to do all of it, whilst I have a nap”.
You as an individual cannot do everything and nor should you when there is another allegedly fully functioning adult in the house.

I was reading it as darling brother…. Of the baby 🤦‍♀️😂

He absolutely can take them out. Swimming / soft play / take them with him to get the shopping.

We aren't finished with present wrapping or tidying and cleaning or food prep or shopping. Let's be honest or anything. It is completely understood that DH is taking children to the park, then cafe and shopping, to give me a run at everything. TBF it is only that way around because I need to wrap his presents. He will also help with all chores possible before leaving.

Marriage is a partnership. It will take both of us working together to get it all done before guests arrive

@PermanentTemporaryso we never argue. Ever. I might get upset at dh and tell him why. His reaction is often not great ie just listens and then goes back to what he was doing. I’ve been considering couples therapy in the new year.

You need to communicate that thought with him and not just think it. It’s rubbish he doesn’t think to just take the baby but given he doesn’t do it he needs telling. I know you shouldn’t have to tell him but if you don’t he won’t do it

@OneLilacHarethat point aside, he does do his fair share with the older Dc. But it’s like with the baby it’s 95% on me to do everything.

I’m sorry you’re “D”H simply isn’t being there for you.

DB usually stands for Dear Brother on Mn I think, which probably explains the confusion. If you want to refer to your baby and avoid stating which sec they are you can always use the abbreviation LO which stands for Little One

Don't give him a choice.....don't wait to see if he offers, just pass him the baby and say 'you deal with it'.
Today, tell him you have some last minute shopping...leave him with all the DC and go for a long cup of peaceful coffee somewhere.
I once went to a travel lodge for 24 hours at a weekend to let DH see what it was like to parent alone. I told him why i was going. When I came back I asked if he would like his life to be like that 50% of the time. He got the gist and we did alternate early mornings/ night wake ups.

You need a nap. Just do it. If you can’t trust DH with the baby (a huge problem but not one that can be fixed on Xmas Eve) then When the baby has a nap, go to bed.

If DH is up now can you leave him with the baby and go have a nap or at least a lie down?

If not then I’d be sending DH out to get me a nice Christmas coffee from Starbucks or Costa now.

If baby is 8 months are you on maternity leave and DH assumes that means you’re just having a lovely extended break from work?

So the baby usually sleeps until 7/8am but on this one occasion got up at 5? You're on mat leave. A one off I wouldn't be upset like this 5 isn't even that bad really lots if people get up around that time. You say your husband does a lot with the older children but a lot of the baby is on you, that is common during mat leave as you are around when he isn't. You say he's good usually and you don't really argue, the step from that to tears because of one 5am wake up seems a lot. If you need a nap later have one.