Moving house while children are at Uni?

[rickyrickygrimes]

This never happened to me, and I’m not sure how it works. DS1 is 18, just started uni. DS2 is 15 and has 2.5 years still in school. Assuming he goes to uni he will be there up to 2031. Plus it’s also normal here to do a masters at least before working. DH and I are older parents, by 2031 DH will likely be retired and me too perhaps. We’ve always planned to move away from the city where we live, currently renting to somewhere pretty rural and about 8 hours drive away.

But I’m wondering how it works for students / young graduates when they don’t have a home ‘base’ to come back to in holidays or between further studies / jobs 🤷‍♀️. My parents have never moved, my room remained ‘my room’ until I was in my 30s. I always had ‘home’ to come back to, could catch up with friends, touch base.

did you move away while your children were students? did it happen to you? how did it work?

We’ve had several friends who did this. Firstly, once students are in a house at uni they don’t necessarily come home for the whole of the vacations. They can get work in their uni town. If you are moving to a property where they can still come and visit then there might not be too much of a problem. I left home at 18, and not to go to uni, so I tend to think 18 yr olds should be able to be independent. However, I know DS valued being able to come home in the vacations and see his friends. His girl friend’s parents sold up while both girls were at uni and simply said ‘ you are welcome to come to us for Christmas’. So I suppose it depends on how hard hearted you feel you can be.

Our DD graduated last year and our DS is currently doing a masters here in London. Both are living at home and hang out with their old school friends all the time. Neither will move out until they are in well-paying jobs - because London rents are so high. They would absolutely hate us it if we upped sticks and moved away. Compromise could be buying a flat for them here and a small place for us somewhere else, which we do talk about a lot (we are 60 and 62), but know we are not at that point yet.

If I were you, I would wait until the children are established in their careers before moving 8 hours away. If you go soon, they will lose their roots, their friends, their chances of doing internships on low wages (sounds like your preferred location is pretty remote).

This happe

This happened to my DH, including the very rural location. He was never able to make local friends because he was at Uni, so the new area never felt like home to him. This was something that his parents never considered, they were completely focused on their new start in life so it did make him feel quite detached.

Surely, they’d just come to your new house. It will be a new area, but fun to explore and see new things still as a family. In my experience, most students in uni shift to having their primary friend group at uni, so when they come home, they don’t really see too many old friends. Yes, sure, if they’re close and they’re around, but they can still travel to see them if they want.

My mum moved when I was in uni (maybe 1.5 hours) and then moved again another 3 hours away when I was doing my master’s in my early 20s. It was fine. My friends had largely scattered anyway. Other parents had moved too. Or friends off traveling or just not wanting to come back home. When I came home, I came home to see my family. If I wanted to see friends, I’d go see them.

I think you do need to keep a room or some sort of sleeping space for them because being 8 hours away, if you want them to visit, you have to have a place for them, and future partners and children, but it doesn’t have to be their childhood bedroom.

This happened to 2 people in dd's friendship group when they went to uni (freshers in 2022).
The reality is that neither went "home" very often as they didn't know people there.
They stayed with friends in old location and concentrated on building their lives in uni town

My parents moved when I was in first year and I never had a room at their home again. It wasn't great if I'm honest and I always resented them a little for it. I rarely went home. That said, I am the oldest and it made me mature quicker and make my own life more successfully than my younger siblings.

My parents did similar. We lived in a small semi-rural market town. They sold the four-bed family home and moved into a two-bed rented apartment. This was when my sister and I were in second year of three-year degrees.

When we came home for holidays we took it in turns in the spare bed and on the sofa.

She went straight into a graduate scheme and moved away. I lived at home for six months before getting a job and also moving away.

It was fine - but it was also the 90s, so much easier for us to move out and rent on small salaries. I had a room in a shared house in a rough part of the city and she was in a house with others on the grad scheme.

My husband’s parents did this and also my son-in-laws.

It meant that when they went home in the holidays they had no old school friends to hang out with. So they spent much of their academic holidays staying with school friends back in their old home town. So the parents saw less of them.

My mum didn't move, bit made it clear I was not invited to move back, beyond odd weekend visits. It was fine, I stayed in halls for the first 9 months, then got a full time flat let.

Ideally your new home would have room for them to stay if they need to, but it doesn't have to be their room as such, more a generic guest room either kids or anyone else could use when visiting.

My parents moved at the same time I went to uni, and I spent a lot of time on the motorway driving to see my school friends over those three years, and never moved back home, where as most of my school friends did (commutable distance from London). Even now 20 years later I miss out on the Christmas meetups as I don’t have a base to stay in the area. Lost touch with most of my uni friends, still very much in touch with almost all of the group of friends I had at school. Things are also more difficult now for young people to live on their own / in a house share - it’s so expensive and the job market is horrific. I wouldn’t do it to my kids, but might depend on the circumstances in your country

What happen if 19 year old droosou because they're sick or have MH problems or are failing? Or if they don't get employment straight from uni?

Do you see yourself supporting them back with you or would you expect them to support themselves?

Not saying you are wrong to move just that life throws curveball so worth considering scenarios.

I want my DC to have a ho until they are established in their lives. In your scenario I might move to a smaller place but not too far from friends and potential employment.

Parents are expected to raise their children and if they have the funds would want to help their children into adulthood.

Adult children could experience hardship at any stage. Are you suggesting parents put their longterm plans on hold indefinitely?

Reverse it. Would you expect your adult children to refuse a promotion because it is at the other end of the country. Not expect them to get married if their future spouse lives abroad.

It happened to my DH and more drastically - PIL emigrated.

It was fine, he was an adult.

It did mean he didn't really then see his parents house as home. It suited his parents who really had no interest in sharing a house with their adult children indefinitely the way some people do.

I would say his relationship with his parents is less close than many people's but it's still good and fine

Mine moved. It wasn’t traumatic though as it wasn’t very far away. I still saw old friends, I just had a new room.

The issue is likely to be keeping up with old friends.

To quote my own mother back in the day - "you wouldn't visit us as much if your friends weren't also around to catch up with"

If you move 8 hours away from where they grew up, don't complain if you don't get anything other than the odd duty visit. Of course that may not matter to you. Personally I don't get why people retire to rural areas where public transport and services within walking distance may be hard to find.

I used to enjoy the excitement of being collected by parents from the airport and going somewhere new

tbe idea that parents would put moving house plans on hold until ,.., seems a bit odd to me.

This happened to me so after their move when I went home it was just to see my parents for a few days, I didn't have any of my possessions in their new house and didn'thave my own room. I didn't know anyone in their new village.

It basically meant I permanently moved out aged 19 and never went back. I used to travel, stay with friends or at uni during the long holidays although I did go back to visit fairly often and a few years later did stay with them for a couple of months after a relationship breakdown when I was between flats unexpectedly.

Someone once said to me, if you want teenagers to flourish into adulthood, they need a stable environment to rely on….basically it’s easier to take risks and push yourself if you know you have the comfort of ‘home’ and safety of familiarity / friends / family to fall back on if needed. If you don’t have any of that, it can potentially make you feel a lot less secure. And less likely to go back to an unfamiliar house / area as it’s even more change.

The issue is likely to be keeping up with old friends

this is the biggie for me I think. We’ve deliberately stayed put throughout their childhoods/ teen years ago that they can have that feeling of ‘home’ and security. They both have a really tight friendship group, many of whom they’ve known since pre-school. DS1s best friend (since he was 3) went to uni in the US and they’ve both been over the moon to be reunited this Christmas. It’s really made me see how important it is, and what a massive loss it would be if ‘home’ just disappeared at this stage in their lives. The culture they’ve grown up in is that friendships are not started / dropped easily, many people still focus on high school / uni friends all through their lives rather than making new ones.

Yes this is what worries me. Both DH and I had that from our parents.

I was really grateful to still have a bedroom in my parents’ house until I was 25. I went home regularly to see them and the friends I grew up with. I loved visiting my hometown, and I still do.

You need to have a room for both of them at your new place but as others have said be prepared for them to visit less as it won't feel like home. I'd wait until they had finished uni and were more settled.

While still at uni I would be planning for them to have a bedroom each if possible.

In terms of moving away from where they grew up, it does depend on your family setup. Some families are more "nomadic" than others. An 8 hour shift is going to be pretty hard on a lot of them, but life is complicated and it's pros vs cons rather than absolutes.

We haven't completely ruled out moving away so that one child can access what they need, while the other is still away at uni. It's far from ideal but it might be our least worse option. I think the reasons matter. It's easier on them mentally if it's a necessity than if you've had a free choice.

I wouldn’t underestimate the support they need post graduation. Most graduates will need to come “home” before they find their feet either for financial reasons or because they might be unemployed/ in insecure work. Personally I wouldn’t do this having had two kids come home before they were ready to leave the nest.