Moving house while children are at Uni?

[rickyrickygrimes]

This never happened to me, and I’m not sure how it works. DS1 is 18, just started uni. DS2 is 15 and has 2.5 years still in school. Assuming he goes to uni he will be there up to 2031. Plus it’s also normal here to do a masters at least before working. DH and I are older parents, by 2031 DH will likely be retired and me too perhaps. We’ve always planned to move away from the city where we live, currently renting to somewhere pretty rural and about 8 hours drive away.

But I’m wondering how it works for students / young graduates when they don’t have a home ‘base’ to come back to in holidays or between further studies / jobs 🤷‍♀️. My parents have never moved, my room remained ‘my room’ until I was in my 30s. I always had ‘home’ to come back to, could catch up with friends, touch base.

did you move away while your children were students? did it happen to you? how did it work?

This happened to my 70 year old father in law when he was 19/20, he still talks about it, in a jokey way, but I get the sense it was hard for him to lose his home base whilst away at uni.

I am clinging on to London by my fingernails, and know that the only way to move is out. But I am hanging on here as long as possible because a base in London is one thing I can offer my daughters while they establish their adult lives. I can't pay their uni debts, or help them with deposits. But I can give them a foothold in a city full of jobs.

But if it was just the emotional attachment to where they grew up, I would probably be more ruthless. I have slept on a lumpy single in the living room for years and I think I've earned a house that works for me!

That is not what I said at all. I said consider reasonable scenarios and how you'd feel and how you'd like to react. And gave my personal feelings on it.

Of course I wouldn't expect DC to not move away if offered a promotion, they may choose not to though.

Personally nowadays I think you need to act as a parental base somewhere they have roots until they've established their own lives. Within reason of course - if they're unemployed at 28 and showing no signs of leaving then an ultimatum would be needed. But even 20+ years ago when I graduated, I and almost all of my home friends moved back home for a bit before properly moving out. It allowed me to do an unpaid internship which then led to my career. We grew up in a very expensive touristy city, so we all needed 'proper' jobs before we could afford to move out.

If their friends don't have their own places (which is fairly likely after graduation) they won't want to go and stay with their friends' parents, and so they will inevitably lose touch.

I would also question moving somewhere very rural when you are getting older. Lovely when you're 65, less so when you're 85 and need a bus stop and GP within walking distance.

When I was 11, my family moved 300 miles away whilst I was on a school trip to France. That was odd! I downsized and moved to a new area when my DC left for uni (I had no choice) but my youngest has never forgiven me and, March next year, will mark 6yrs since he last spoke to me. And that was just a 25 mile move.

I agree with @LavenderBlue19 and question the sense in moving so far away for retirement. Yes, it would be nice for a few years, but then it's too rural, unreliable public transport, difficult for DC to visit as you need more help or if you're ill. It's totally impractical and I'm very glad my IL's have done the opposite. Personally I'd consider downsizing nearby and taking holidays/ long term or seasonal renting etc.

My parents moved when I was at uni doing my masters and every time I visit make a big thing of insisting I have my room. I never lived there! Although my sibling did for just over a year. I moved into a studio flat as soon as I finished. Ironic really as they made it quite clear I wasn't welcome back after uni! I went back once every few years.

We moved a couple of times so I don't have contact with any school friends at all, practically no contact with extended family who all still live in the same area we first lived in. Once our DC started school, I said that's it, we're not ever leaving this region!

It’s complicated by the fact that we rent atm, so this has never been our long term plan - in my head this is a temporary home - though we’ve been here nearly 20 years now! and we definitely can’t afford to buy where we live - so a move will be imposed on us at some point. Also, DH is really struggling at work - he’s been working since he was 15, and now approaching 60 and suffering from burnout / depression- he’d really like to make plans to stop. But this will require a lot of changes. I think it’s more of a priority for me than for him - he’s of an era / upbringing where you basically left school, got a job and paid digs, then got your own house.he knows it’s not the same for our children, but it’s hard to match with what he experienced.

Re rural living, I grew up on a farm so well aware of the reality of it. My parents still live rurally now in their 80s.

Is there somewhere closer you could afford? The reality is you won’t see them as much if you move so far away.

if you can stay nearby then travel more so you get a sense of change?

You don't know where they will work and live when they leave university. You could stay put and they still live miles away.

Maybe the sensible option is not to move somewhere very remote for example Cornwall but instead choose a central location. That way if they live in North or South they can still visit.

My parents split up and moved. I never went back to my hometown again so have lost touch with everyone from my childhood and teenage years. Which suited me fine but would be harder for some. My mom bounced around a bit so I’ve never had a space with her since, my dad became the home base as my brother and I both lived with him for a bit during Uni. My mom now gets annoyed that we are happier going to his place than where she lives now.

Obviously I’m a grownup and it’s all fine now but it was a bit unsettling when I was 19/20 as I didn’t really think I belonged anywhere. When I failed out of uni I moved to my dad’s house but I’d never lived there before (nor had he - he bought the house so I could move in) so I just started from scratch. Which was great in a lot of ways!

Because of my DF’s job, my folks moved 100 miles away during my first year at uni. So that first summer was about the most miserable of my life - I knew nobody, had no friends anywhere near, and this was long before mobile phones/email. Added to that, my DM had got rid of some of my cherished books!

Unless it was absolutely necessary. I wouldn’t want to do it to dds, though of course it’d be a lot easier nowadays, with phones etc.

My parents moved when I was finishing uni, and my brother had just started. I found it hard emotionally at the time (losing my childhood home whilst trying to find my feet after graduation), but in hindsight it was fine and encouraged me to be more independent to stay in the city where I’d studied. It was harder for my brother because it meant a few boring summers and he didn’t love staying there after graduation while he job hunted. But again, it pushed him to find a job and somewhere to live and both of us loved living with friends/ partners in our 20s. We are all still very close and see each other pretty regularly for weekends. You do need a room, because the safety net thing is important. However, now I have my own young family, I feel very frustrated that my parents moved rurally, because we can’t go live near them as there’s no employment for us in their area. I’m a bit concerned about their long term plan as they head into their 70s in a rural, poorly connected area.

We live in commutable distance of London and, whilst we both have itchy feet and will definitely move in the future, we have agreed that we won't do it for another 3-5 years, enough time for our youngest to graduate and use us as a base for a London job. If we moved now, we'd be taking that away from them and their sibling who is currently doing the same thing.

Most students after first year don’t go home much, if you want to move move, as lots never return home after uni.

We loved area when the dc went to uni . We waited years during their teens to do so.
My maternal instinct to stay put in the family home was very strong.
But my dh was nearing 60 and felt if we did nt move then , we never would .
Huge part of me regrets it as some of their peers are now living in hometown , and I would love them to have done the same .
i realise uts a base that they could come back to but dh felt we should not stay on the on case basis but i feel they would possibly have.
Both came here during covid as campus was horrible etc , but they dont have mates here .
if wait two years if the time came again- even knowing that they probably wdnt get jobs in home town and may move away - I think uts a psychological thing for them.

There was a guy at my Uni whose parents moved and didn't tell him where they had gone. Pretty rough on the poor bloke, so don't do that.

Have a chat to them and see what they think. If you want them to be welcome then make sure there's somewhere they can feel at home. I slept on an airbed when I had to go home to help and I can't say I ever felt that welcome.

I'm not sure if this is about how it will be for your DC if you move to a different place, or if you're saying you simply won't be giving them a home to come back to at all. The latter is awful.

My mum did this and although obviously it suited her, she moved 8 hours away from my home town so I never saw friends again unless I planned a holiday like event staying with them which was very rare. I just lost my entire network so when I left uni i was so isolated.

This is a good idea