Is the traditional wedding now a preserve of the middle classes?

[mids2019]

I was visiting family, many of whom would be described as traditional working class, and many had children with partners with never considering marriage. The reasons seemed to be that of apathy, thinking marriage was archaic and irrelevant ('piece of paper') and importantly cost which to many young people is exorbitant.

The older generations were in despair for the daughter's without the legal assurance at least of marriage when there are children and also a little sad that would never see their children married possibly with the traditions of walking their daughters down the aisle if a church wedding for instance.

Middle class families I know are cognizant of the fact that marriage legally offers a financial bedrock to a women when starting a family and many with generational wealth can spend money on a wedding that includes all the paraphernalia, dresses, suits, venues, meals, disco......

Has there now become real divides in the way we view marriage?

You see any number of threads along the lines of... we've been together 10 years, have three children and a mortgage but DP won't propose or set a date.

What is that about?

For the life of me I can't work out how a woman would get herself in that position.

As for weddings - almost daily I pass the local register office and they seem to be busy. From glancing at the guests and outfits I'd say it's a mixture of classes and backgrounds.

I get the opposite impression in London - women who barely got any qualifications at school use any man that gets into their orbit as a sperm donor to get on the council housing ladder. If he still wants to be around after that - it's just a bonus. And marriage is out of the question.

I don't recognise middle class people having the cheaper weddings from my own experience but that's just anecdote obviously.

There are a few things going on I expect. The lowering of social stigma around unmarried couples will have an impact. Also the protection of being married requires some assets. If your partner doesn't have much money you won't be any better off by having married him if you split. The child maintenance is the same either way and real estate is normally owned jointly.

And yes there is an element of wanting a big wedding for some people and waiting to save for it.

My partner is of the "it's just a piece of paper" mindset.

My partner before him died suddenly, we were not married. It is not just a piece of paper.

The sooner people stop treating it as something for Instagram the better, it's a contract and safety net with many benefits when things go wrong

The casual attitude towards marriage leaves a lot of people vulnerable

Two of my friends are not married but have been together with their partner for years and have children. They are both the higher earner in the relationship so I don't think either of them feel any urgency to get married. Another middle class friend didn't get married until her 60s because she didn't want either of them to have to pay inheritance tax on the house. Another friend is still paying off her ex husband's debts. None of my unmarried friends are unmarried due to ignorance. They don't need saving from themselves.

I see a lot of threads here from divorced mums about the issues with 50/50 custody, but don't remember any from the ones who never married the father of their DC. So it gave me impression that children of single mums are mostly spared the dragging between the houses.

I didn't think it made a difference legally with custody. That being said I wonder if a less committed man that doesn't want marriage seems like a safer bet for a woman that doesn't want a 50:50 arrangement for her kids.

Looks like staying unmarried is a safer bet for a woman if the father doesn't have any assets to inherit and noone plans to buy property. So basically "working class".

I think, when someone goes through divorce, custody agreement is an official part of it and 50/50 is a default.
But when unmarried people separate, the man will actually have to make extra effort and spend time/money for custody agreement. It's easier just to walk away.

About 70% of my friends are married. Only a couple had a big/hotel style wedding, most were registry office followed by drinks and dancing in a pub. Most of them would be classed as high earners. Those who are not married out earn their partners and have an equal approach to childcare.

Remember that your opinions are the basis for your question OP, and we don't all hold the same views.
I chose not to marry. I think I am quietly middle class - degree educated, good career, in my 60s, a single mother. I have never needed anyone to support me financially, I own my own home. Ds is privately educated and will go to university shortly.
I feel sorry for women entering into less than ideal marriages because they've been fed the fairy tale since they were toddlers.
I disagree that marriage is a financial bedrock to women. It isn't. It is a huge risk. Education is a financial bedrock. The ability to support one's self and one's family.

The people who aren’t getting married because they can’t afford a ‘wedding’ are confusing weddings and marriage.

I’m not sure it’s a class thing but it does seem to be a common thing in my children’s generation. Mine did the buying a house to coincide with getting married and then children but many of their friends have prioritised having a baby over either of those things, despite a similar level of education and life opportunities. I’m aware of a high proportion of the young women seemingly desperate to get on with having children without having what I would consider the basics in place. Maybe they think it will secure their slippery, commitment averse boyfriends.

I think that a lot of the lack of weddings comes from current culture of spending all your pay check, no one seems to save/put by for future expenses.

We saved like mad for our wedding, also saved up to afford maternity leave.

Most people I know only get married when IHT becomes a factor and they want to protect assets for their DC.

Two of the best weddings I've ever been to were done on the cheap. One was two students, the other two church workers. The latter was funded mostly by favours and it was a lot of fun

I think this is somewhat true. People often seem to value a wedding in and of itself and see it as a relatively unimportant, nice to have, expensive celebration event. I would have hated that. We did an absolute bare bones registry office with 2 witnesses and then went back to work, as all we cared about was making things easier when one of us dies.

My (middle class, university educated professional) parents were married in 1960 with 4 guests in a registry office, and had a dinner for 10 in a restaurant that evening.

I have seen photos of my grandparents’ wedding (very prosperous large scale farmers, no shortage of money) in about 1920 and there were about 20 guests. Similar for other family members at the same period.

The vastly extravagant celebrations we now think of as ‘traditional’ - the expensive dress, hairdressing and make up, bridesmaids, groomsmen, flowers, 100 guests, professional photographer, large scale reception - were traditional for only a tiny group of aristocrats- think for instance of Diana Mitford marrying Bryan Guinness. They are a complete con!

It’s more generational than class based. I’m 59 and in my class at school, one child was the child of a single Mother. Amongst my Mothers friends the girl that had a child out of wedlock was shunned by the entire community with people crossing over the road to avoid her, this was the very late 1940’s. My Mother was forbidden to talk to her by my Grandmother.

It was all about being respectable and being seen to be respectable, no one cares much anymore. My older sister who is in her late seventies got married pregnant in 1967 as a teenager, first wedding I went to as a 1 year old. At her booking in appointment the midwife called her in as Mrs, she was not at that point married so she corrected her and said it’s Miss and the midwife replied you are all Mrs here my dear. Respectability that’s what that was all about.

The vastly extravagant celebrations we now think of as ‘traditional’ - the expensive dress, hairdressing and make up, bridesmaids, groomsmen, flowers, 100 guests, professional photographer, large scale reception - were traditional for only a tiny group of aristocrats- think for instance of Diana Mitford marrying Bryan Guinness. They are a complete con

Definitely - the wedding industry has been extraordinarily successful at inventing new "traditional" things to spend money on.

Your sister chose to spend that then. I got married in a historic building with booze, canapés, sit down meal, games, DJ, dancing, garden party, fancy cake, expensive dress, Hair and makeup, photographer, flowers etc in 2024 and spent £18k. It is expensive but not as expensive as as your sister seems to have spent.

For us we didn't get into in debt but in hindsight it was a real waste of money. We don't even see half of the people that attended our wedding and it was a lot of stress for a single day. I hope the wedding industry has hit it's peak.

We live in a very middle class area of Cheshire and weddings go one of three ways, either completely over the top £100k+ traditional wedding, small registry office affair with nice meal afterwards or they go abroad. I would say about half my friends with kids are married, the other half just aren’t bothered even though they could afford it

I think your right op. Working class here, all my cousins and myself have been with partners years, 20 years or more some of us, have children and not married. They have no desire to do so. My middle class friends x 3 are married so I think it could be a class thing. Also a lot of thier parents are divorced so I imagine that puts them off! My oh is a Catholic but not practicing but I've recently been attending church with my dd and I think I probably will get baptised soon and then married in the next couple of years to align with our faith. I think religion does have a lot to do with it, most people aren't so it seems less relevant. My cousin lost her mum last year and she also said after the stress with probate ect shes thinking of marriage now just to make things easier if anything were to happen to any of them. Not very romantic but it is true! Edit to say I don't think cost has much to do with it, you can just get married in a reg office and a cheap party after. I think it's more social norms have changed.

No one cares about your wedding except you . Most people forget your wedding . To most people it’s just a day out for a free meal . Spend the money on yourselves, get a decent photographer and videographer because that’s all you will have after your wedding is your memories. Certainly don’t go into debt . There are decent venues about that don’t cost the earth . Do some research , buy wedding decorations second hand , buy your dress etc in the sales don’t buy an expensive cake , no one cares .

Absolutely this. I have really fond memories of a colleague/ friend getting married as cheaply as possible as they'd spent their money on a house deposit. The after wedding meal was at the village hall which friends had decorated and was a buffet to which lots of people brought a dish. I helped with the wedding flowers the evening before, they were bought wholesale and were lovely. The groom had friends who were musicians with a wedding band and they played. It was a lovely fun atmosphere. Worst wedding I've been to was a family member's, both he and bride were very well paid tax accountants. It was all for show with no thought to actual hosting, wedding at 12.30 and no food until 5pm. We felt like chewing the wooden tables we waited so long.😂