Anyone else quietly tired of always being the organiser in their friend group?

[LindaFiato]

Hi all,
This might sound a bit petty but I’m wondering if others feel the same.
I’ve noticed I’m nearly always the one organising things with friends. Suggesting dates, booking tables, chasing replies, all of that. Everyone seems happy to come along, but if I don’t initiate, nothing happens. At all.
I don’t think it’s malicious, just one of those unspoken dynamics, but lately it’s been making me feel a bit taken for granted. I’ve tried stepping back to see what happens and surprise surprise, the group chat goes very quiet.
I don’t want drama, just wondering what’s normal really.

My friend who organises things sometimes gets cross about doing it. She doesn't see how critical she can be. I am perfectly capble of eg booking my own holiday but I wouldn't book one we do together because I know it would not be up to her standards. So she's created her own monster there really. I love her to bits and I don't mind her high standards - I enjoy them - but it's not something I want to engage with myself.

I have a friend who complains about always being the organiser. She is extremely good at it, but if others try and organise something she takes over because she does not like how it's done or she has a better idea.

So, I might suggest a dog walk and then cake at a time and place but because she has this or that requirement it morphs into something else entirely.

Or when a couple of weeks ago i suggested a film I wanted to see and then a meal for a group of us before Christmas she decided she did not want to go to that film, conducted a poll re the film and the restaurant and the day and then arranged car pooling. I did not go in the end because it was the day my office party was on which was why I had not suggested that day in the first place.

Then she gets shitty because she's left to do everything.

So while objectively i completely uinderstand how narked she gets that other people don't pick up the ball and show any initiative, but she has to control it all when someone does.

I am not the organiser. I have a friend who is. She needs to be the organiser and also needs a lot of external stimulation. It’s quite tiring, although fun.

So I don’t feel the need to organise anything on top of what she already organises. I’m more than happy to be at home by myself. If she stopped organising things someone else might step up but O doubt at the same frequency.

When you next meet up you could ask for one of the others to arrange the next event. There is the aspect though that you are a great organiser and I would think you are due to the fact that you sort out events for such a big group.

Friend and I were having this conversation yesterday.

We live 4 hours drive away, but manage to meet up every 6 months. So we were bemoaning the same thing about different groups of friends.

The same friends who marvel that her and I are still in touch.

We've both pulled back with our friendship groups in the last couple of years and, surprise surprise, we've not seen them as much. I verbalised before I pulled back how lovely it would be for someone else to organise. Tumbleweed...

Same! I think people take advantage of it, but not knowingly. I have decided not to make the effort next Christmas and see if anyone else does. I have a feeling they won’t, in which case we will miss you for a year and I’ll probably try again after a 2 year break 😁😍😂

Didn’t mean to do all those emojis!

Lots of people will.go along with others, but never organise themselves.

I saw a woman on facebook saying she'd arranged to do alot of xmas shoeboxes. When they were done, she said she was exhausted and would not do it next year. She hoped someone else would.

Let's see if they do.

A little bit, but they're all very appreciative, so it's worth it in the end (friend group has lasted 42 years, male & female, various partners and now-adult kids).

Yes

Got tired of it op big time. I stepped back then group "oh we must meet up soon". I met an old neighbour we met in may it was lovely but same crap unless I make plans/do the texting. Be nice if they reached out and check in on friends

Is the group no more then?

This would really annoy me, your friend is a control freak , but not in a good way. She has completely overruled you, why do you let allow her to do it? Did you say anything about being disappointed you couldn't go to something that had been your suggestion initially?

Yes, I’ve felt this too. It gets exhausting always being the one pushing things along, even if people are nice once it actually happens. After a while it does start to feel a bit one sided, like the friendship only exists because you’re propping it up.
I ended up stepping back as well and, honestly, the silence was quite telling. A couple of people did make the effort and those are the friendships I’ve put more energy into since. It was a bit sad to accept that some connections just fade without you doing all the work, but also kind of freeing.

Yeah exactly this. You don’t notice how much you’re holding it together until you stop and everything just… stalls. That silence hits harder than you expect.
It’s disappointing, but also weirdly clarifying. You realise who actually wants to see you versus who just turns up because it’s convenient.
And yeah, wanting a bit of effort back really isn’t asking for much. No one wants to feel like the group PA forever.

I don't host as I am not confident with cooking skills and I do not feel my house would be an acceptable standard.

im similary in doing weekend texts i think if i didnt do them then most would not bother, its odd with people at times,

The organisers in my wider friendship group are those who cannot be spontaneous. If you want to meet them, they can only see you on a Thursday in a months time, because they are constantly ‘booked’.

Those of us in our friendship group who CAN be more spontaneous are probably meeting one another without you. And the organisation of meets are more equally spread.

I feel that we should be more sensitive to the impact of the cost of living crisis too. People won’t be suggesting outings if they can’t afford it. As someone said upthread, entertaining in your home will not feel possible if you cannot cook confidently or your home does not feel suitable for whatever reason.

Yep me, I’m the glue and it ebbs and flows I feel like this when I take a back step a couple others try and organise things but it never seems to happen

This really comes under ‘Let Them’

If you resent doing the organising, stop doing it. If you don’t see people in that case, either accept that this is one of your strengths and they have different ones, or accept that they really aren’t that bothered about the friendship and pull back.

Either way, don’t sit there muttering.

It sounds like you’re doing it for praise abd gratitude which you’re not getting, rather than you enjoy time with these people.

My friend will message the group now but I had to say its the same ones doing it.. she says Im better at it. I do think some happy to sit back though.

Also you have to factor in other people’s other commitments and energy levels. I have quite a few different groups of friends and lots of friends who I enjoy seeing one to one. I also enjoy time by myself.

So I don’t really want to organise a group get together because I already have as much as I want to be doing. If someone else invited me, fine. I may go, I may not.

The friend who does the organising tends to have one main group of friends so if that group isn’t doing something she doesn’t have anything on.

Also the people organising group things aren’t necessarily strong one to one. Everyone has their strength.

My oldest group of friends are really lovely and we have evolved into a system where we meet quarterly and we all take turns to host.

There’s no strict schedule everyone just says “my turn next” and makes the plans.

If someone in the group is dealing with something difficult (eg illness, bereavement etc) everyone just quietly shuffles round them so they don’t have to take a turn if they aren’t up to it.

It’s how things should work I think and why we’ve been friends for 30 years.