Anyone else quietly tired of always being the organiser in their friend group?

[LindaFiato]

Hi all,
This might sound a bit petty but I’m wondering if others feel the same.
I’ve noticed I’m nearly always the one organising things with friends. Suggesting dates, booking tables, chasing replies, all of that. Everyone seems happy to come along, but if I don’t initiate, nothing happens. At all.
I don’t think it’s malicious, just one of those unspoken dynamics, but lately it’s been making me feel a bit taken for granted. I’ve tried stepping back to see what happens and surprise surprise, the group chat goes very quiet.
I don’t want drama, just wondering what’s normal really.

I’m the ‘organiser’ in my friendship group and tbh I have tired of it. I realised that I’d had friends to my house and holiday home half a dozen times in 12 months. I’d been to one friend’s house once in the same period and one of the group I haven’t been to hers in years. I decided to stop being first in the group chat and stopped offering to entertain, since then very little has happened.

Yes so I stopped doing it and only talk tui the friends that remained.

Same. It was always me. I was the 'glue' in our group. And if nothing was organised, I was the one to blame.

this is usually me. I too was fed up but got my head round to thinking that each one of us has our strengths and organising was one of mine. People are responsive so I don’t mind organsing. It’s when people don’t reapond or need chasing that I would step back. Some people just don’t have the headspace. If the friendship is important to everyone and you otherwise don’t feel taken for granted I don’t think you need to “keep score”

Same, it was always me. I've stepped right back. I only do it for one group of friends who I know appreciate it and are always quick to respond. To be fair some other friends have made more effort since but it took them a while to notice. What I started to do was suggest low effort things which meant we still saw each other but wasn't work for me - e.g drink at the pub rather than a dinner cooked at my house.

The problem with this is that unless you’ve said that you feel like you’re always the one organising the others will be assuming that you are either too busy or just don’t want to see them so won’t instigate either.

Yes. This is me right now.

Although it's just one friend rather than a group.

So because I haven't made suggestions or organised anything, we are doing nothing together.

There was a suggestion made a little while back by me, to do something Christmas related on a certain date. And I am so tired of always having to put all the effort in, I just didn't follow up on it. I am sure to those of us in the same situation will know full well, the event came and went with not a word said.

I have now arranged for something else and I am just going to go on my own. They will get the huff when they find out I went no doubt.

It's so draining. Oh and I always have to drive and use my car to these things too. Meh I'm very over it.

I'm happy to be the organiser, although DH gets narked about the lack of reciprocity which can sour things somewhat.

We moved area just over a year ago and our NCT friends have not met up as a group once since which I think is a shame. I've had messages saying they miss our Christmas get together but none of them have done one.

This is very common in my experience. Most friendship groups have one or two people who are the organisers. Not everyone has the drive to organise things. I think it's okay if you feel appreciated as a friend in general, and if your friends reciprocate in other ways (eg bringing food for dinner). If your friends never contribute anything, or their contribution is limited to suggesting outings you are expected to organise, then it's time to take a step back.

Completely.

I organised a Christmas meet up with friends for 2 weeks ago. It was fun, but DH and I went to a Christmas dinner dance just us on Saturday which was lovely and I've concluded that I can't be arsed with organising the group thing next year.

We've already stopped hosting people who don't reciprocate without good reason.

DH and I were just saying this the other day. We hosted a lot for joint friends and our siblings and partners. Everyone has a great time but never return the favour. We just stopped- it gets expensive. I just don’t know why people think it’s ok to never ask you back.

Yes I’ve started to suggest meeting at the pub instead of at my house.

I had this when I was in a netball team: I was always the one making sure we had enough players, and trying to find ringers when we didn't.

I've stopped doing it. I meet 2 friends every month for lunch and I told them about 6 months ago I was sick of coming up with ideas and getting a date.
They've actually got quite good at it now!

Yes! I somehow am the organizer for all my different friends groups and it makes me wonder if there’s something wrong with me as rarely does anyone else plan something and invite me to it.

Yes it can be annoying but if I want to see them I accept it. The useful thing with being the organiser is that if you get sick of people then you just stop initiating and the friendship falls away with no drama!

Yep and I've vowed next year I am taking a step back. For my friends Xmas get together I organised an event and food before. Spent ages organising where to eat and times around someone who didn't even bother to turn up. All my friends have mentioned an event they want us to do next year but no one has bothered to look into it or organise it so I'm not mentioning anything in the hope someone else sorts it. It won't happen I 100% guarantee

This used to be me, I got tired of it about 2 years ago and have taken a step back. I still organise the odd thing, but no where near the extent of what I used to.

Our get togethers have dwindled since and when another friend does suggest something, it rarely ends up happening as the suggestion is just put into the group chat, with no real effort to organising it.

You don't need to say anything, just take a step back.

Agree with all the above. It took me decades to realise I was pushing the agenda at my pace. Once I stopped, the pace slowed down and I see certain groups less often.

Yes, so I stopped a number of years ago and as such no one now sees each other and I haven’t had drinks out for Xmas or otherwise in years. Sad really, I used to be bothered but I’m not anymore

Yep. I had a friend, we'd go away annually. I sorted everything from booking, to food shop, driving etc. Their excuse was to make out I was the 'control freak ' and I liked doing it. In fact it was just someone needed to get on and organise shit.
I'd always have a look for local pubs etc for a meal, they didn't do that even. Hell they wouldn't even speak up about what film etc we should watch of an evening. I asked 'surely at work there's general chat around thing's you're watching on netfkix etc' but apparently not. They spent enough time online normally so I put it down to just abducting any responsibility or interest.

Same here, glad to hear I’m not alone.

In my friendship group, despite me having a lot more weight and pressure on my shoulders in my life (they would all acknowledge this!) I was always the organiser of everything, constantly working around everyone’s changing availability and budgets to find things to make people happy.

When my birthday passed earlier in the year and I spent it alone, despite me saying in the group chat I’d love some company, I took a step back.

Eventually one of the others stepped up to arrange our annual Christmas meal, but it never actually happened as she was clearly unfussed about it, and so were the others.

I have been making attempts to make new friends and attend different social events. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have attended any non-work social events for months.

Me too. People are just really lazy I think!

All my friends expect to suggest outings and arrange them. I am sick of it but I have been told that this is something they value about me. Ie always know when shows are opening or exhibitions are coming.

Yes at @Rocknrollstari was told I was bossy but they love it because I get things done. I did say at this point I don’t actually enjoy organising and would love it if someone else did. I’m not actually bossy and am as lazy as the next person but I do value friendship and am willing to make the effort, sadly not everyone else is the same.