Do people really want men to actually open up? As when men actually my do, do people actually like it ?

[ChristmasRobinFly]

That’s why my dh asked me

that men are always being told to open up, yet when they do people don’t like it

Well it rather depends on the location and audience. Don’t trauma dump on a stranger in the queue in Waitrose, but maybe do tell your partner that you are struggling with depression and finding the idea of another trip round the sun rather bleak.

Who does he mean by ‘people’? Other men? Women?

Men and women

we were talking about our dd and her new boyfriend and the fact he’s quiet

seems a nice enough person but bit nervous and quiet

I said to dh that’s the type of person that’s ideal for her
someone steady and stable and chill

and that she will bring out the fun in him and he will bring the calm

I'm very happy to hear how my son feels.

My ex boyfriend talked about his feelings about things he was comfortable talking about so cried on my shoulder about his worries about his child or relationship with parents etc. That was fine. But if he'd managed to talk to me about his struggles with our relationship then maybe we would have stayed together.

My ex husband has never cried and represses everything to the point he is an angry abusive asshole.

I also see young men in my job very isolated and not talking about how they feel and it worries me. So I'm all for it. Would solve a lot of the world's problems if men could talk about their feelings and if society would encourage it.

But ‘nervous and quiet’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘stable and chill’. You can be ‘nervous and quiet’ and a total headwrecker.

Also, this sounds like two completely different things. By ‘open up’, most people mean ‘prepared to talk about your emotions and what is going on in your head’, but if the context was wishing your daughter’s new boyfriend was less quiet and nervous, it sounds as if you just want him to be more talkative?

True

Yes two different things just saying how the convo started for context and how it evolve into talking about this

Agree @Cigarette Exh comes across as quiet. He's an introvert but an angry one. In my experience, quiet men can be the angry and repressed ones who express frustration through passive aggression at best and abuse at worst. . Consider incels. They are not confident and outgoing.

Though hoping your daughter's boyfriend is a quiet and lovely one of course!

I don't understand. Have you got examples of people 'not liking it' when men open up? I don't think I've ever experienced that.

I certainly like and appreciate it when the men in my life open up. It's not healthy to bottle stuff up.

Yes I agree I think a lot of people that bottle things up rather then call things out in the moment, become quite resentful and full of anger a lot

Men are sent quite alot of confusing messages these days tho
its a lot straightforward for them than it used to be

how comments did kinda remind me of the friends episodes where Rachel was trying to get her boyfriend Bruce Willis to open up
yet when he did he couldn’t stop crying

then it became repulsive

Obviously i’m generalising but I think part of the problem with men “opening up” is other men. I think a lot of men wouldn’t know what to say or wouldn’t want to be opened up to. Woman are more accepting of it id think? Although I am a woman who hates opening up (to my detriment) but I don’t mind being opened up to because it’s normal for female friends to.

I have never watched Friends, but no one wants to be around someone who can’t control their emotions, or is in permanent floods of tears on the average Tuesday afternoon. It’s perfectly possible to say ‘Sorry, I know I’m coming across a bit weirdly today — it’s my father’s anniversary/I slept really badly/I just realised I hate my job and need to have a serious think about it’ without being a permawhinger or someone who bursts into tears at the drop of a hat.

People just get tired of being around someone who can’t explain their own moods, and just snaps ‘I’m FINE’ when you say ‘We’re out for dinner and you haven’t said a single word for an hour and are glaring at your dessert as if it’s insulted you.’

Oh come on. That's hardly a good example! Friends had a lot of unhealthy messages in it anyway - the whole running joke around fat Monica for example.

What are the confusing messages men are getting?

A lot of men won’t reveal things about themselves to their friends, if they have any as they don’t want to expose any weaknesses

plus can be alot lazier about maintaining friendships

And actaully even if you do talk to friends about certain things it’s not actually much good if the person you talk to, has no idea how to respond at all
say someone you loved dearly dies
and the friend is all awkward with a so sorry about that, then it’s awkward silence as niether know what to say then it’s so how’s work going or some comment about sport ……

I would hope men are getting better at supporting each other with this though. Where I live there are various men's groups aimed at providing support with mental health. There's a walking group and a 'mens sheds' group

Then choose more emotionally intelligent friends?

Your posts are confusing and include a lot of generalisations. Which man or men were you and your H discussing: was it your H? Your DD’s boyfriend?

Agree with @Cigarette about your posts about your DD’s boyfriend. you’re describing what could be poor social skills and making unfounded assumptions that those things indicate different, good qualities and that he is ‘ideal for her’.

I don’t think it’s black-and-white. Opening up does not necessarily mean emotion-dumping. Emotion-dumping can be overwhelming for the listener and put too much of a burden on them if they do not already have a mutually supportive relationship.

IME a man (and some women, too) needs to learn how to open up safely. Safely both for him and for his listener.

Some years ago, my dh suggested that we read a couple of books together. Together as in at the same time, not aloud to each other. So we read one each and then swapped over. One was called something like Why Women Cry and Men Don’t Ask For Directions, or something like that. I don’t remember what the other one was. No idea what triggered this. I thought we were in a good place, despite having just navigated a very tricky house move with three small children. I’m the emotional firebrand; dh is the strong, silent type, slow to anger and slow to release it. I was perfectly willing to read these books.

They transformed our lives. What was good became even better. Dh learned to open up, I learned how to ask him for the emotional support I needed.

I love it when dh opens up as it helps me understand better.
My dh would probably be described as stable and chill (which he is) but tbh it’s hard work being the fun one, there’s an expectation that I will make the effort not him and maybe I don’t always want to be the one making things fun.

Dh was talking about how he sees things
he thinks men are always told to open up by society but when they do it doesn’t go down well

i was just trying to give context as to how this conversation came up
talking about dds boyfriend

not saying at all he’s perfect for her
we don’t know the ins and outs
Just that someone that’s calm and steady is alot of women’s ideal

This

That actaully sounds like a good book and interesting how your dh came up with that idea
did he ever tell you about it how he came up with that idea ?