Do people really want men to actually open up? As when men actually my do, do people actually like it ?

[ChristmasRobinFly]

That’s why my dh asked me

that men are always being told to open up, yet when they do people don’t like it

I love it when men are vulnerable around me. But it’s about balance, like everything is in life. Be strong sometimes, be vulnerable sometimes

I can't help but feel that this is one of those Three Word With A Bird user name faux concern threads that is here with a vaguely anti feminist message.

The men you're generally observing OP would do well to have a good think, find better friends and make meaningful converstion that also involves listening, not just 'opening up'.

I don't think men should feel they have to 'man up' and bottle up their emotions. That's a damaging expectation to be brought up with. On the other hand... I'm fairly reserved emotionally and I have to admit that I wouldn't havr chosen a partner who was very heart-on-sleeve or prone to emotional outpourings!

There are two different things here. My exH was a quiet person but not with me, he opened up plenty but others would have seen him as quiet and me as more of a sociable person. He just wasn’t the life and soul with strangers and never will be. Maybe your DD’s partner is like that?
My DS is outgoing and having been raised mostly by me, he does talk about how he’s feeling with me and his partner as he knows it’s important. I never raised him to be the strong silent type, if he’s upset he says so. Not all men do this. Some make you play the guessing game until they erupt and pretend they’re opening up but they don’t. They just dump their anger you and expect a magic wand whilst taking no steps to make changes themselves. I find they’re the older generation though, not so much younger men.

Does your husband struggle with friendships? Does he want to open up more but his friends seem uncaring?

My husband’s friends are all very supportive and have helped each other through hard times. I have a lot of male friends and not noticed any issues with them being able to talk about their problems.

Anyone (male or female) that solely goes on about their issues is annoying. There are lots of posts on here about women doing that and how frustrating and selfish it is, so it’s definitely not just men!

Maybe your husband can test the waters with his friends and bring up a certain issue he has and go from there?

The men you're generally observing OP would do well to have a good think, find better friends and make meaningful converstion that also involves listening, not just 'opening up'.

yes totally agree
it’s about being a good friend etc as well as just wanting one

DP was very alpha male. Wouldn’t share his feelings or emotions. It got to the point if he was unhappy with anything I walked on eggshells as he got snappy or angry. Conversely after the honeymoon period ended, I had no idea if he liked me or loved me. And I am not needy.

no surprise we split up as I couldn’t cope. I felt relief he became angry and upset. We chatted 6 weeks after the breakup as he wanted to try again. I told him he needed to communicate his feelings and talk to me. He didn’t like being vulnerable but I told him that’s only how it will work.

he has done and 2 years later he will tell me in his way. It works and he says he feels safe with me.

I have a male friend who does nothing much but play the victim and talk about his feelings. It’s all about him and it’s exhausting.

Yes it is two seperate things
I was just trying to explain the context of the conversation but it’s clearly confused things

The problem here is that we don’t know what’s acceptable at any point.

ive tried opening up and I don’t think it’s gone down well so I’ve now stopped doing it. Either I’m not expressing emotion right (not upset enough so it can’t be genuine) or it’s inconvenient, or it puts people off.

me can find that opening up makes people see you differently. Less capable, weaker, less able.

You need to use the same judgement as you would in any other social/ friendship /relationship situation.

Most of us for instance understand that a ‘How are you?’ from a neighbour or casual acquaintance we’ve run into on the street on Christmas Eve carrying ten shopping bags is just a greeting, not an invitation to show them our mysterious rash or cry on their shoulder about our breakup.

You choose the right person and an appropriate situation for ‘opening up’ — not a new colleague on your first lunchbreak together, not in the middle of Christmas dinner, not in the first half-hour of a fun night out for a hen party etc. A good friend in a situation where you can be reasonably private, where neither person is pushed for time.

And if you’re usually an extremely reserved person, I don’t think you can blame people for struggling if you suddenly change your behaviour so totally. Maybe give them time to adjust.

Think this is what my dh was also trying to say

I was referring to a partner

I think emotional honestly and the ability to communicate and listen are the absolute basis of a relationship.

Obviously people who cannot regulate emotion at all are v difficult, but most people aren't like this.

What has made your DH feel that if he opens up people (presumably you?) wouldn't like it?

I don’t think that’s any different. Don’t choose a moment when they’re stressed, busy, running out the door, or in a really good mood because they just got a promotion, or an occasion that’s supposed to be fun or celebratory. And if they’re used to you being a reserved, buttoned-up person, expect it to take a while for them to adjust, especially if what you’re opening up about is terribly sad or difficult.

I'm a bloody magnet for trauma dumpers. I think it's because I'm autistic, and part of my masking/ way of being accepted by people is to come across as ever so approachable and understanding.

The problem is, men are still coming from a place where they've been raised to see themselves as the centre of everything, and that women exist to serve them. So once they've decided it's OK to unburden themselves, they think it's OK to go ON and ON and ON about the most distressing things, and that your role as a woman is to endlessly take it, and make them better.

Yes, I've resolved never to date again, why do you ask? 😆

And that can certainly also be true. Important to also have boundaries if someone is regularly trauma-dumping on you. And/or to be able to say ‘Look, Dave, because of my own stuff from my past, I’m not the right person to be able to listen to this.’

But opening up is not just about dumping emotions on someone. It’s about emotional honesty. Neither claiming that everything is fine when it’s not, nor collapsing on somebody else and expecting them to make it all better.

A particularly masculine trait is to think that when presented with a problem, you are expected to solve it. I wonder whether it’s also a masculine trait to expect that telling somebody a problem means that they have to solve it. Maybe that’s part of the reason men dislike being open?

A particularly feminine trait is to want to discuss a problem, chew it over, be heard - but not necessarily have it solved for you.

I think that one of the most important things about being able to open up is to understand that you will be heard without judgement and without losing agency.

And another thing. What are your men afraid of you hearing or of them saying? What does opening up mean to them? I understand it as being more honest about your emotions, feelings, beliefs so that you can be a stronger team. Do they think it includes being open about rape fantasies, for example, or freely expressing rage?

I don't think many like people opening up much beyond the current level of the relationship, if that makes sense. What is opening up to my husband would absolutely be emotion dumping if I did it with a coworker. It's something that is built up over a relationship and I think a sudden jump is what people find off-putting.

I do think women are more often excused for going beyond with many cultural idea of us being 'emotional' rather than specifically against men, but I also think people who discuss men needing to open up aren't always clear on what they mean by that. It's often discussed on the assumption of an already close relationship where people are co-regulating together, where openly crying would be part of it, and not the lower levels that would be with someone you just met or known a short time where that hasn't been built in yet. I think that can cause some confusion, particularly for the more literal types of either sex.

I think there's some truth is that...DHs best made is always talking about his feelings (about women/work/life) to DH, and none of his relationships last that long. I've said to DH before I'd find it exhausting being his girlfriend.

My close friends talk to be about stuff sometimes too but there's a lot more give and take, and they we tend to give each other practical advice rather than just talking about things (which I prefer).

But maybe he emotes about his feelings to your DH as a safe longterm friend, rather than to his girlfriends — I mean, it would be a bit strange to continually talk about your feelings to someone you’re only just getting to know, or are in a newish relationship with, over someone who’s known you through a lot more of your life.