Elderly mum has broken her hip, elderly dad can’t live independently, what next?

[BatForCat]

Need a bit of a handhold and some advice.

My mum has just been blue lighted to hospital with a suspected fractured hip. My dad is in his 80s and is in failing health and can’t live independently. He has very limited mobility and a whole plethora of heart problems and other issues.

Thankfully, I live very close by, but for a whole range of reasons I can’t stay with my dad (hoarding house conditions, nowhere for me to sleep among other things). My dad could stay with us in theory, but our house is unsuitable due to steps to bathrooms and bedrooms, and he is very stubborn and will insist on staying at his own house.

Unfortunately, despite his independence, he really is in failing health and can’t really be left alone for any amount of time.

Not sure what I’m asking really, just wanted to get my thoughts down. My dad is currently at my house as we wait for news on my mum, but is insisting on being brought back home later this morning.

Sounds like you'll be doing two visits a day, providing lunch & supper until your mum is home.

I'd use it as an opportunity to give the kitchen and bathroom a thorough clean, and clear/clean a bedroom on the basis that you may need to come and stay if your mum is poorly again. Don't take no for an answer.

Yes I agree. Kitchen and bathroom made bearable and a room for you to use if necessary. You might have to be brutal. Also the house will have to be suitable for your mum to be discharged to.
I do hope it all goes smoothly for you and that your poor mum recovers well.

Hi so sorry to hear about your mum. We had a similar problem a few years back, I couldn’t leave my dad due to him previously having a stroke and consequently having fits. I got in touch the social services, they provided overnight care for three nights, I then had to pay for the next few nights until I got him a respite place at a nearby care home.
He really hated it, but at least he was safe. I hope your mum makes a good recovery. They will probably need carers when she gets home, these are usually called enablement carers and are free of charge for six weeks.

Thanks for responding.

I don’t mind doing 2 visits a day if that’s what it took, but unfortunately I don’t think he can be left on his own for any amount of time. My mum is reluctant to leave him for more than an hour at a time as he is a fall risk and has lots of other health things going on.

I also work full time and have young kids, and my siblings all live too far away to help.

I would love to get stuck in and give the house a good clean, I did do some amount of clearing earlier this year, but that’s a whole separate issue.

Ring social services and tell them you can’t help. Can he afford to pay for carers? Your mums hip means she’ll be out of action for a significant amount of time and you can’t step in as you have to prioritise your own family. I sound very cold hearted but I’ve read a lot of these threads….. sadly!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents. Find some good support here.

Sometimes, the only thing you can do is allow to process to happen (with your hands over your eyes) and just pick up the pieces, whatever that might mean.

You could suggest a short 'holiday' in a nursing home while your dm recovers.Three hot meals a day and company to chat to.

We did this with my mum after she came out of hospital, although she only put up with it for one night before she called a cab. 😁

Worth a try though.

Call adult social care and ask for emergency assessment

Contact Adult Social Services via the duty line urgently.

Make sure the team looking after your Mum urdetstand the condition of the house and your father’s inability to care for her before she is discharged. See if you can speak to the occupational therapist covering the trauma ward. Send them photos, see if they will do a home visit. How did she fall?

I wouldn’t clean up the house. Likewise it’s not you that pays for carers or a care home, it’s your parents.

Thank you everyone. I’m just trying to process the fallout and implications of my mum being out of action.

I know that the best thing would be a respite/nursing home for him but at the same time, I would feel awful doing it because despite him being stubborn, he’s a very gentle man and he has already suffered enough either way his failing health and loss of independence. I also don’t know how to go about sorting it, I can’t afford to pay privately and my parents live fairy hand to mouth also. I will look into it though.

Adult social services. When my dm was hospitalised, they put my dad in residential care as he. An’t live at home by himself (no family near). Alternatively, get some carers.

My dm has an alarm which she wears all the time. She can press it herself if she needs help but it also senses if she has fallen and someone then contacts her by phone and if no answer sends someone round. Could this be a partial solution?

I'm really sorry OP, this is really hard. The elderly parents board is really helpful, there are people there with experience, understanding and kindness. A friend wrote to me recently that age and illness can be a debilitating combination and old people can demand more than they realise and take loved ones down trying to care for them. Don't feel guilty for not fulfilling their demands and instead making arrangements that are pragmatic and safer for everyone in the long run.
It's a really hard period of life for everyone and no arrangement will be perfect. Care enablement coordinators vary in their effectiveness, we had one muppet who suggested we give up our jobs to provide full time care. And it's your parents or the state that pay for carers or a home not you. We had physio who said, when I was despairing about elderly relatives intransigence that sometimes you have to "drop the rope" and let the crisis happen. But we just couldn't do that.

It sounds like residential care is going to be the best option. You do not have to pay for this. That will be for your parents.

Ask for a financial assessment, if they qualify for assistance the Local Authoruty will pick up the cost of care, but this will limit the choices available. Your options will be wider if your parents have full mental capacity as they won’t need dementia care.

You’ll have to do the leg work, go and look at some potential homes and look at the CQC regulatory reports.

At the very least your DF may benefit from a respite stay. Lots of people find their stays very comfortable, once free from the burden of self care, and are only too happy to stay on.

This is why you need Social Services. Call them now, today. They will do a financial assessment. They may well be eligible for funding, at least for this crisis period and possibly longer term.

How did your mum fall?

You won’t be expected to pay. If you call adult social services as you’ve been advised, they will do an assessment and figure out the payment situation.

The same thing happened with my parents a few years back; mum was dad’s sole
carer after he had a stroke, when she had a heart attack and was hospitalised. We live 300 miles away, so we travelled up to be with dad in the short term while I organised alternative help.

Luckily the social worker we were assigned was absolutely fantastic and sorted dad a place in respite care. I felt horrendously guilty at the time, but the fact I’m disabled plus the distance meant we had no other options. As it turned out dad had a great time in the care home; lots of people to talk to, good food, and enjoyable activities.

Adult Social services won't "put your dad in a care home" if he has capacity and decides he doesn't want to go.
If he is confused, then he needs a mental capacity assessment, which will determine this.
Do you have lasting power of attorney for your parents? If not this is something you might want to consider as it does sound that there may be some concerns re his cognition (hoarding, not realising he needs help). Unfortunately this needs to be taken out whilst getting is still of sound mins, do you might have missed the boat.

What solution does your dad have? Could he stay at yours if he had a bed downstairs? And a commode/ urine bottle, if he can't get to the toilet? Meals could be left out for him at lunchtime.

As others have said you need an urgent social services care assessment.

Phone ‘duty’ social worker asap and explain the issue. You need to be clear on what you (and rest of family) can and cannot do to help. Would you be able to provide food shopping for example? Could you help him with medication? Personal care? He needs his care needs assessing asap. Like another person said it all comes down to if he has mental capacity or not, if he does he is entitled to make what you may see is an unwise choice.

look into getting him a falls alarm (one that goes on his wrist / around his neck) if he doesn’t carry a phone with him. And a key safe so carers can get in and out.
your mum is likely to come home walking with a frame. For this reason you may have to think about doing a bit of decluttering.
realistically the most help he would get is 4 x care calls a day, otherwise respite care would be recommended.
its not uncommon for couples to present together in A&E if they are co dependent and one becomes unwell / breaks something, your dad would be a ‘social admission’. However you want to try and avoid this if you possibility can as he would be very vulnerable to picking up infections and likely to deteriorate further, both mentally and physically.
be firm with social services. Despite it being a Sunday, someone will be on ‘duty’.

What solution does your dad have? Could he stay at yours if he had a bed downstairs? And a commode/ urine bottle, if he can't get to the toilet? Meals could be left out for him at lunchtime.
Don't do this lightly thinking it will be for a week or so. We did exactly that, between our house and BIL's house and it turned out to be for months and utterly dominated everyone's life, including our daughters'. We could not go out together for an evening and leave elderly relative or leave them during the day. We were providing 24 hour a day nursing level care for a couple of months. Elderly relative refused paid carers as they thought sons/daughters in law could do everything and refused to do physio etc to support getting better. It was very stressful indeed.

Agree with @Mumbles12. Be very careful what you do next as I have learned to my detriment that the actions you put in to handle an emergency end up being expected to be long term solutions which are incompatible with working or having young DCs or merely in my case retaining my sanity.
Get social services involved asap and sad as it may sound going forward there is likely to be a gap between what your DPs want and what is safe for them and doable for yourself. You have siblings who can do some things remotely so don’t feel you have to do it all yourself.

Oh and get them to sort out a falls alarm for him urgently. Social services generally try and keep the person at home in the first instance and usually the max at home care that will be provided by the state is 4 visits per day. They like to try that and wait and see if something goes wrong unless the person is definitely unable to manage.

An occupational therapist will assess if your mum can be safely discharged. It sounds like their house is unlikely to tick that box. That decision will trigger other sources of support.

Haven’t rTFT so this may already have been said. DO NOT allow the hospital to discharge her until appropriate care measures are in place. Unfortunately they will try to put pressure on you to take over responsibility for her care in order to release the bed. They cannot discharge her to unsafe conditions. Ask for the hospital social worker and make sure care is arranged BEFORE she’s discharged.

As others have said, once you start providing care it’s very hard getting social services to relieve you of it.

Yes this is really important. Just keep repeating “unsafe discharge” and they will find a step down or rehabilitation bed for her.