Was it "abuse" if...

[Mrsnothingthanks]

Many years on but still wonder if people would think I was "making a mountain out of a molehill"? I suppose I am thinking about it in light of today's strategy re VAWG.
Behaviours:

1. Never hit me (I suppose would leave evidence).
2. Would often follow me around the house, breathing down my neck and block doorways, attempt to tower over me.
3. Would take my purse out of my handbag and say it was "his money" so I couldn't buy anything.
4. Would lock me out of the marital home if I didn't adhere to his curfew - usually set at 10 pm.
5. Would put trackers on me/my car and would check I where I said I was going.
6. Would not allow me to make decisions about things such as holidays and pets.
7. Told me if I left nobody would ever want me and I would never see my kids again.
8. Wouldn't let me see family much and, towards the end of our marrige, did not allow my mum into the house.
9. Would say very unkind things about me/put me down in front of friends and work colleagues. I am sure there is more and I remember feeling very, very scared at times, but I think I have blocked a lot of it out. I did leave btw. Totally unsupported by professionals. Life became incredibly hard. But really - was this abuse?

Yes to all those.

Every single one (except number 1) is abuse. All of it.

That's not a molehill you're describing, it's a big old abusive mountain. I'm glad you describe it as being in the past.

Yes.

Yes it was abuse OP. Im so sorry you had to go through that. Hopefully you are in a much safer and happier place now

100%. I’m so sorry you went through this but glad you are on the other side and hopefully now safe. The ‘but they don’t hit me’ line (and this is in no way a criticism of you!) is exactly why we need more education about what abuse is. Coercive control and controlling behaviour are abuse and have no place in any relationship.
I realise this might end up being quite a jarring revelation for you, so please do look after yourself. If you are open to it, some kind of talking therapy or counselling might be useful?
Sending love ❤️

@Taweofterror I thought it might be, but the family courts said it didn't make him a bad parent and so I only got to have my boys 50/50 at the ages of 3 and 6. So much time lost. One is an adult now. I just hope I did the right thing by them.

Yes. All of it. Even number one because actually that is you verbalising that he made you think it wasn’t abuse because he didn’t hit you.

Are you safe from this man now?

@forgetfullarkspur A WPC did come out when I first reported it, but said unless I could show her bruises then nothing could be done. This was 2014 I think.

@HappyAsASandboy I'm now remarried and feel totally safe. Thank you 😊

No

@Bottlesofrumonthewall Really interesting. What makes you say that may I ask?

That is awful and I’m so sorry. I would hope now that support would be offered, even if a legal route can’t technically be pursued. I don’t know whether that’s the case, but I would hope common sense would prevail.
I am glad you are safe now.

Sadly, I feel like there is a real inconsistency with how these things are treated. You hear about women being threatened with losing their kids if they stay with their abuser. And yet if they split up the abuser usually gets to still see their kids. How does it make sense? Especially as it is widely acknowledged men like that rarely change.

I will never understand how someone who is acknowledged to be abusive can ever be considered a good parent.

@Taweofterror Thank you. I agree. There was also significant financial control which has impacted upon me to this day.

100%

Yes it's all abuse.

The police are hopeless. I was abused too, my GP described it as "not even borderline". She also kept telling me to report it to the police, as did Women's Aiid.

I eventually moved house and then called the police. A specialjst police officer came to my house and told me it wasn't abuse. She also told me she would file a report and someone would call me back about it but they never did.

I told her how exDP used to scream his head at me totally out of the blue (I'm not talking about an argument or even me doing anything wrong ) and her answer was that for some people that is their normal communication style. Tben she started telling me how about how everyone in her family always shouted at each other. She also rambled on about how she had to safeguard exDP. FFS she was the domestic abuse officer for the area. I should have complained but couldn't face it. She made matters worse.

@dizzydizzydizzy I'm so sorry and hope you have a far happier life now 🙏 Why are we not listened to and taken seriously?

Yes it was abuse and although he never hit you I bet you were fearful that he would.

Thank fuck times have changed and people are realising that there’s a lot more to abuse than physically hurting someone.

I work in an industry where I meet a lot of people who say “but it’s not abuse, he/she would never raise a hand” when actually they’re going through hell.

im so pleased you’re in a good place now OP x

@purplecorkheart In a way, but in my head I knew he was too "clever" to do so. Because a bruise or mark would have been evidence and then perhaps I'd have been taken seriously.

I'm sorry - that sounds awful and is clearly abuse. Well done for getting out.

There are other types of abuse then physical, your abuse was emotional and financial.

Eh? WTAF?

It’s a joke response because it couldn’t possibly be anything other than abuse

A joke? Why would you joke about someone being abused?