Was it "abuse" if...

[Mrsnothingthanks]

Many years on but still wonder if people would think I was "making a mountain out of a molehill"? I suppose I am thinking about it in light of today's strategy re VAWG.
Behaviours:

1. Never hit me (I suppose would leave evidence).
2. Would often follow me around the house, breathing down my neck and block doorways, attempt to tower over me.
3. Would take my purse out of my handbag and say it was "his money" so I couldn't buy anything.
4. Would lock me out of the marital home if I didn't adhere to his curfew - usually set at 10 pm.
5. Would put trackers on me/my car and would check I where I said I was going.
6. Would not allow me to make decisions about things such as holidays and pets.
7. Told me if I left nobody would ever want me and I would never see my kids again.
8. Wouldn't let me see family much and, towards the end of our marrige, did not allow my mum into the house.
9. Would say very unkind things about me/put me down in front of friends and work colleagues. I am sure there is more and I remember feeling very, very scared at times, but I think I have blocked a lot of it out. I did leave btw. Totally unsupported by professionals. Life became incredibly hard. But really - was this abuse?

Yes thank you, it’s all good now. I moved house 2.5 years ago and I actually thought this week (for the first time ever) that the abuse is now in my past. I’ve had absolutely loads of counselling. My GP was wonderful.

Have you contacted Women’s Aid?

Yes that’s highly abusive behaviour. I think as women we often believe someone has to get physical with us to be abusive. But covert emotional abuse like this is just as bad.

If someone makes you fearful or purposefully prevents you from making choices, it's abuse. Locking you out FFS.

@dizzydizzydizzy It was over a decade ago now but still think at times... was I overreacting? Was this really abuse? Was I too weak?

it was abuse. Definitely. I wouldn’t expect a random stranger to treat you like that, let alone a romantic partner.

What you suffered was coercive control which became illegal after 2014. I know because I went through it at that time too.

The examples you give are of emotional/psychological abuse and financial abuse.

I'm glad you've been able to move forwards but it leaves long scars. Have you ever been to counselling? Might help make sense of it ?

I agree - it’s a huge inconsistency.

I do wonder if it’s because the courts just suspect that most women are lying about abuse to get more time with their kids.

I was warned by my solicitor not to go for a non molestation order because it might look like I was trying to make the court order unworkable.

@ConfusedNoMore There was more evidence of it after 2014, but nobody took it seriously. I had to buy a steering wheel lock for my car as just one example, as he was using the spare key to gain access and attempting to take it from the drive of my rented property (then how would I have got to work etc?)
I have had counselling which was hugely helpful and my husband has been so incredibly supportive.
I am still an insomniac, however!

I haven't healed fully . I've done therapy and I'm clear about what happened and even why but I have a chronic illness and I'm sure it contributed to it. I've been thinking more about how to physically recover. Feel like I got stuck in hyper vilgilent mode. I've been doing some vagus nerve stimulation to try and calm down my nervous system but I'm not doing it consistently enough.

I think I need the so more meditation and stuff like that.

yes this is abuse. I’m so glad you’re out of it now OP

Did he ever actually lock you out of the house or just threaten to? This (threat or act) and the curfew to me is the most shocking listed, and an example of his need to control you. Absolutely it all sounds abusive.

@Dontlletmedownbruce He locked me out but it was "my fault" of course as I simply should not have been out after stipulated time. I remember one night in particular where it was absolutely freezing and I drove round the estate for hours/parked up and called a family member until he agreed to let me back in.

@ConfusedNoMore It is so interesting you should mention that. Just today I was leaving home to go and collect my little one from school and a delivery driver was walking down the path quite quickly to our house with a parcel. By God did I jump! I mean that's quite common for me but bless him - he even apologised and said that he hadn't meant ro scare me!
You are definitely not alone in feeling like this.
And yes, it really is 4.02!

Yes darling. That was abuse.

A joke! You think abuse is something to be joked about? Really!!

I suppose you will say next that those of us who are not rolling on the floor laughing at your joke have no sense of humour.

OP, all of that was definitely and I am glad you managed to get out of the situation. I hope things are much better for you now.

Yes- classic and clear DA. I’d really recommend the freedom programme or some counselling. There is research that says long term DA (even without violence) has a similar impact to being held as a prisoner of war. It would be natural if this was still impacting you in some ways. All the best.

You suffered from horrendous abuse. It was so bad your mind has forgotten some of it, probably the worst bits to protect you. You did so well to get out of that relationship. You should be very proud of yourself because too many women stay as believe they have no option to leave.

Well it's not funny and no one's laughing. Do better!

So happy for you and yes it was 💯 abuse

Absolutely no question that this was abuse, @Mrsnothingthanks . Controlling pig of a man. The police and family court have done untold damage.

Thank you so much everybody - this means so much. It is so hard to assume it must have been OK because it wasn't taken seriously by either the police or the family courts.
For a final family court hearing years on, when my daughter with my now husband was literally just one week old, I was advised by my legal team not to cry as this would "make me look weak."
I had to suppress everything for many years in order to just survive and, in essence, keep my children for some of the time.
Counselling has helped, as has validation from women such as yourselves who understand and say that it was abuse.
The scars are deep but definitely healing. I imagine they will always be there, but I also feel I've done well with moving on.
Thank you to you all.
I hope one day VAWG is taken seriously.
We have a very long way to go ❤️ x