Can’t Afford Christmas

[SkintThisChristmas]

Before I got divorced I had (on the outside) a nice life. In reality XH is foul tempered and abusive. He always like to have nice things and by example the kids ( 18 and 16) tend to that too.

I got my ducks in a row, and the divorce was terrifying. We aren’t in the UK and he ended up doing very well out of the divorce.

This is the first Christmas post divorce, child maintenance has halved, and the expenses have increased.

I’m out Christmas Shopping for the kids, they know the budget is significantly reduced. They feel the drop in their standard of living, I feel it.
One wanted a bag that costs 250, she doesn’t want anything else. I can’t really afford it. I bought my own Christmas present from the kids today Total spend 20.

The older one works part time, and contributes. They both are great kids, doing well at school.

I don’t regret the divorce, but it is hard being so much poorer and Christmas Shopping is shit when you are on a strict budget, with people who know what they want, and it’s all expensive. It’s just hard, you know?

I can’t afford the Christmas I would love my kids to have, and to which they were brought up to see as normal.

what is their dad buying them for Xmas?
it doesn’t all have to fall on you.

To be honest I wouldn’t spend £250 on a bag and we are reasonably comfortable, so I wonder if you also need to give yourself some grace alongside what other people are spending out this Christmas. They are of an age where a little realism is appropriate. Could you gently explain that due to the split your finances have taken a hit and the budget is now X. Then let them tell you what they want within that budget.

So tell them what you can afford then if they like something more expensive they can add other money to it …..I wouldn’t buy myself something ‘from the kids’ …when they have their own money….they will buy for you ….it will make it more special for them….hope you have better times ahead

Christmas shopping has always been a shit experience whether I had money or not. Your kids will learn from this

Your Children are old enough to understand the situation. Explain to them how much you can afford, and then stick to that budget.

sorry you’ve had such a tough time OP. Your kids are old enough to understand the situation. Aside from that spending £250 on a bag for a teenager is crazy, irrespective of whether you can afford it or not. They need to live in the real world and I don’t imagine that many teens have £250 handbags. Explain the issue and if they don’t understand why you’re not in the position to buy such expensive gifts then they don’t deserve anything! Hope it all works out for you.

I grew up poor-ish. £50 was the total spent on us each at Christmas, including stocking fillers I believe. I am happy to report that I had a wonderful childhood and have turned into a well rounded adult who isn't materialistic and doesn't need to spend money to have fun.

Your kids will need to adjust this Christmas, of course, and it's understandable that they might struggle with the reduction in gift value. Tell them in advance what the budget is, and ride out any ungratefulness with calm explanations and reassurance. If you tell them now they will have got used to the idea before Christmas Day. By next year it will be fine!

Adjustment is hard yes, plus you've just gone though the trauma of divorce, and I'm guessing you are fretting your ex will lure them to him with money?

They are old enough to know things are different so with the bag I would say - your dad has more cash than me, so that can be from both of us, I'll give you 100 and I'll drop him a message telling him you'd like the other 150 from him.

If you are worrying about him being able to buy their affection, don't. They are of an age where peer groups are more important than aged parents, and that's only going to get more so as they head into their twenties.

Focus on having a relaxed paired down Christmas this year, and have a think about how you see going to reshape your life

(I am assuming here you can afford a decent chunk of the bag like 100, if not, give her what you can and introduce her to the wonders of vinted)

Thank you all. I’m not normally despondent, but today feels hard.

I suggest you give whatever your budget is in cash and the child who wants the very expensive bag can put any other money they receive towards buying it. Perhaps it's time they experience that £250 on a bag is a lot of money and that now it can't just be handed to them by mum.

You're busy paying for a roof over their heads and their food etc.

They're old enough to understand the change of circumstances and the reasons. They are also both old enough to earn some money themselves.

Providing them with a safe, abuse free home is more important than a very extravagant Christmas.

If she cant have the bag, would she be happy with £50 so if she has her own savings she can use that to put towards the bag?

If you cant afford it, then you cant afford it.

It seems they might have to adjust their expectations. In the long run this will hopefully make them more appreciative of what they have.

It's difficult. But family is more important than any gifts or items you can buy. Hopefully it'll bring you closer as a family.

Tell them to ask their Dad for the expensive stuff and be honest about your finances

Would it help to focus on what you’ve gained? Hopefully this year you will have a peaceful relaxed Christmas without having to worry about friction and moods? Hopefully the DC will understand the presents being less expensive.

I think sometimes when you know you can only give less, it sharpens the desire to give more. My friend was desperate to get her child an expensive console and couldn’t in any way afford it. She was so upset about it, but other friends who could afford it gently pointed out that they wouldn’t spend that money regardless. Maybe reframe it that way - £250 for one bag is bananas really, even if you had the cash.

I know it’s tough, but you haven’t failed or let them down. You’ve given them, and yourself, something much more important than material possessions.

Im sorry that you’re feeling despondent, but I do think that it is good for kids to learn that not everyone can afford everything they want.

Have you looked on Vinted for the bag? You might be able to get it good quality second hand?

Of if not, you could consider giving vouchers to a shop that sells it? So that she can add it together with other money?

I promise you OP that your kids will be more that that they’re not exposed to an abusive environment, way more than an expensive bag.

They are just so used to the old lifestyle that it’s a big adjustment but they will adjust.

I am not sure how old they are but just be completely honest and as PPs have said check places like vinted for 2nd hand ones.

I could afford to spend that on a bag but there’s no way I would. Everyone likes different things but I would consider that a waste of money. Your dc (and you) need to adjust your expectations. Try looking on eBay and vinted for stuff, I bought second hand for years, mostly no one was any the wiser.

Could you follow up on the maintenance your owed through the courts I wonder? Especially since he did well of the divorce as you say.

“Only wanted a bag costing £250”

Readjust your views and your children’s views on what’s actually important in life.

Most people are worrying about how they’ll put the heating on this Christmas and get some food on the table not about £250 handbags.

You don’t need material things to be happy. As long as you’re together, have a roof over your head and food in your stomach you’re winning at life.

Objects aren’t important.

That £250 that would have been spent on a bag could buy all the food you eat on Xmas day, a day out ice skating or at the cinema with the kids, a trip to a cafe for a nice hot chocolate together and probably more. Try looking at things that way instead.

They sound a bit spoiled tbh, so having to make do with less for a bit will probably be a good life lesson. My parents didn’t have money growing up and wouldn’t have dreamt of asking for an expensive handbag.

I am sure they are old enough to understand that your ex husband is the cause of this. They will soon be old enough to decide if they want to cut him out of their life altogether.

can you find that specific bag on vinted for a good value?

One wanted a bag that costs 250

i’m by no means religious, but I love Christmas and the feelings of sharing, enjoying lights when it’s dark, appreciating my friends and relatives, having something special and seasonal to eat and being thankful for being warm and safe.

Expensive handbags are nothing to do with it.

Perhaps now is the time - I don’t want to sound as though I’m on a soapbox but - perhaps now is the time to reevaluate and be grateful for each other. You never know what is around the corner; If you can do this now, when your children are still young and at home, then it is a gift that will last them the whole of their lives.

They are and they aren’t. They certainly have been very privileged compared to the majority of people. They also are friends with people whose families are orders of magnitude wealthier. In some cases the kids themselves are wealthy.
But they work hard at school, the older has a part time job, they contribute to the household tasks.

On the other hand, no one who grows up in an abusive household is in any way spoiled. They are encouraged to view the world through a very particular lens, and are asked to navigate emotionally treacherous waters from a young g age. That’s hard.

I have come home and the one who wanted the bag has thought about it and picked something else that is in budget. But also said “I’ll get Dad to get the bag.” Which is in and of itself problematic behavior.