Is this childish? FOMO at Christmas

[PurpleSky300]

I am one of those people who buys into the hype of Christmas - as far as I'm concerned, I save all year for it and the whole month of December is for markets, meals out, parties, shows, baking, guilt-free time off work and all the things I don't get to do often during the rest of the year.

But every year, I always feel a bit flat when I'm faced with my actual reality, which is nothing like that. I live alone and am lucky if I can drag my friends once or twice to the pub, or for a meal. Those who have children are very much preoccupied with their families, which I can understand. My parents are bored with it all. I ask and people say they're busy, they're skint, everything is too loud/expensive at Christmas, it's too far to go, etc, etc.

It feels like a kick in the teeth. At Christmas I feel this enormous sense that everyone, everywhere is out there having the time of their lives, and even though I have people around me in some sense, I can't take part. Is it just fear of missing out? Am I lonely or trying to relive my childhood or what? The only person who has made time for me so far this Xmas is my GM (90). I visited her on the coast and we baked cinnamon biscuits and watched musicals like old times, it was nice.

The type of thing you're describing doesn't start for me until I finish work for the Christmas holidays. Otherwise December is really busy with lots of shopping, wrapping, cleaning etc on top of a very busy time at work. I am on my knees at this point.

We lost a much loved pet a few months ago and dh has taken it particularly bad .
He doesn't want to celebrate Christmas this year .
We haven't put up a tree , won't be having a traditional dinner ( no kids )
I've wrote Christmas cards & and we are sending presents out as usual but it will be very subdued around here .

I remember being 30, I lived alone at the time, on paper life was great, house, money, job, friends.

But I really struggled with Sunday afternoon, New Year’s Eve and the run up to ‘family’ dates - Easter, Halloween, Christmas etc.

Mostly my friendship group were of a similar age, some had kids, some had partners. It’s harder because everyone has their own ‘unit’.

What I will say is I then acquired my own unit, it came with drama and stress as does any family, and now we work really hard to…be calm, restful.

And to be honest with you there is the ‘romantic view’ of having children; beautifully hanging decorations on the tree while we eat mince pies and listen to Nat King Cole, and there is the reality; the children whine about who gets to hang what decoration, they are overexcited and start thumping each other, every surface is covered in glitter, they don’t like mince pies or Nat King Cole so we end up with gingerbread and Bo Selecta. By the end everyone is jacked up on sugar and cruising for a meltdown and scarpers before it’s time to hoover or put boxes back in the loft.

I suspect you’ve just reached a similar time. People around you are changing. And marketeers sell you a dream that the rest of us are eating mince pies and listening to Nat King Cole when mostly we’re a smidge stressed and trying to make it to Christmas Day without combusting.

I understand this feeling. I felt this when it was the London Olympics, and I lived in London, but had no one to enjoy it with. A few things will help.. One is learning to be on your own and enjoy activities on your own. Your life will be transformed once you master this. Another is to not actually build it up in the first place.

You could volunteer somewhere over December or get a job somewhere Christmassy. You could find some comradery there and get the Christmas cheer to boot. Do you want kids? If so I'd be putting steps in place to get kids in the future so you can have that.

The thing I’ve found with friendships is that they need feeding all year.

I may have read your post wrong, but it sounds as if you forgo meet-ups with people for most of the year, so that you can afford to do things with them in the run up to Xmas?

But many friendship don’t work like that, like a savings account you need to make ‘deposits’ regularly if you want to have something at the end of the year.

I don't think it's at all childish. Most of us have been brought up with these ideals of Xmas, it's hardwired, and social media now makes it worse.

When you say you've asked friends and family and no one wants to do anything, when was this? I'm older than you but December is booked out months in advance for most people i know. When you have kids or other relatives to care for, it's stressful, and lots of people won't have budget for unexpected outings

It might be too late for this year, but you can start planning what you want to do next year, and get things booked in early. Panto tickets with your family, city day with your friend, all need organising Sept latest i would say. Things like a party at your place or a local carols concert you would arrange in November.

There are lots of things you can do to enjoy your time by yourself as well, if you want to make December a special month. Personally I hate Xmas shopping with others as you never get things done, so I would organise to do that alone. Can you treat yourself to a luxury advent calendar (again some of these need ordering Oct!) in whatever type of products you like?

The best thing is when you start to build up rituals, so you know each Xmas you will do X or go to Y, then you have a lovely routine to settle into.

I do understand this… I was 32 and single and also worked shifts which made it hard to co-ordinate any activities. I’m older now and don’t have the same time pressures so I’ve been able to organise a few things to do. With my family we’ve been to a fringe theatre show in London and are going back today for our annual visit to Liberty to buy an ornament and then a West End show afterwards. I have actually done quite a few other activities this month but with different friends so I may have one trip in December with each friend but I’ve managed to organise a few over the month which has kept me busy. Could your friends commit to one event with you next December if you buy tickets or put it in the calendar? If you find the event / show in the summer / autumn and organise it will they duck out nearer the time or will they be up for it? Could you also organise something at your house and invite people over. I don’t mean a big party but something more low key that doesn’t require big planning from everyone but they still get to catch up and enjoy a drink / mince pie with you.

I don’t think people want to do Christmas trips to the pub and markets and ice skating. That’s why they are avoiding you! People don’t really enjoy this stuff. They want to be at home, eating dinner and going to bed because work is stressful this time of year, and if they have kids, it’s packed with 700 obligatory nativity plays, Christmas hamper fundraisers, Santa’s grottos that granny has booked, etc. No one wants to go to any of this stuff, so when they get asked to do even more of it, they probably run away from you.

I find Christmas and birthdays always leave for me a little tinge of underwhelm. Instead I try to focus on making elements of my everyday life a bit more enjoyable. I focus on trying to make my home very hygge. Log fires in winter. Hot chocolates. Cuddling up to Films etc so elements of Christmas I like but less pressure for them to be perfect and happen all at once. Maybe you could do that?
I also second finding your Christmas people. I'd happily do as much Christmas as possible but I have to pace it out for my children otherwise it is unenjoyable. The month of December goes so fast we often don't get time to enjoy all the Christmas bits we like.

Someone suggested meetup groups which I think is a good idea.
Also someone said that they do the things they want to do anyway and put out an open invitation.

I do understand the fomo. I think it's easy to believe that everyone is having an amazing Christmas doing all those Christmassy things. Some people are maybe doing a few of those things but don't have the budget or energy for more. Our Christmas is more paired down them ever as I'd rather be outdoors than in with all the hustle and bustle. So I'm not one of those in bit groups of women, going to Christmas markets etc ..
I've thought of a few ideas you may not have considered that might open up more opportunities next year if not this one.

I'm volunteering on the solstice. I'm really looking forward to that. It will be Christmassy and I'll be doing something useful/helpful. Perhaps it might be worth looking at some volunteering opportunities.

Hobby groups will often have their own Christmas event - whether that's a meal out or something more centered around than hobby.

Finally that day with your grandmother sounds gorgeous. Would it be possible to spend more time with her?

It’s not “depressing” to save up for the time of year and then have a belter of s
month socialising and dining out.

What is “depressing” is saving up all year and then not doing anything, but deciding to save up again for following year, and then once again not doing anything and then saving up again…. And so on.

You are expecting party and dinner invites @PurpleSky300 ? Or are you ever bothering to be the one hosting parties and arranging dinner get togethers?

Nobody asked if anything was depressing. And no, I'm not just expecting invites. What an obnoxious post.