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Original poster

“I make the money so you need to just do it”

35 replies

Tiredmum299 · 12/12/2025 19:16

Currently on maternity leave after having DS number 2. Planning on going back to work in February part time. DP works away for long stints and then home for a weekend before going away again, has done this rotation since I was 6 months pregnant. This has been really hard on the family, the kids and our relationship as well really, navigating him working away alongside a new baby.

We are going away for the weekend and I am trying to get myself, DS aged 10 and DS aged 9 months ready and packed for going away (DP can see to himself). I’ve just cooked dinner, his favourite as he’s lived on takeaways for weeks and I felt like a home cooked meal would be nice for a change, and whilst it was cooking I did the usual multitasking of loading the dishwasher, emptying washing machine, hanging up washing, etc whilst DP sat on the sofa with our eldest, all fine as my son has really missed him and I wanted them to have time together.

just finished dinner and I said okay, I’m going to go and finish packing, can you please see to these dishes? He’s just gone and sat back on the sofa on his phone. I said “DP, I really need help with getting the house tidied and everyone packed before we go away, can you please help me?” And he replied “I will in a while, not just now”. From experience he will end up leaving it and I’ll end up having to do it. So I asked again 15 mins later and I pointed out that for the last few times we’ve gone away, I’ve done all the organising, packing and admin, and would appreciate some help. He then turns round and says “well I’m working away and earning the money, so you will just need to do it”.

I am really upset by this comment, especially since my older son overheard and then he (DS) started copying his dad and saying “yeah mum”. I felt the tears coming and walked away.

I feel really pathetic for getting so upset, but I am just exhausted after years of the invisible labour that mums seem to be stuck with, and lack of help from DP. I have always worked full time since we met and contributed to the household, the only time I have had to rely on him is now when I’m on mat leave and SMP. However I feel that over the years, I have slowly taken on more and more of the household role and the family admin. He’s never had this attitude with me before, but since he’s been working away and earning more money there have been a few similar digs made, but nothing this nasty.

Don’t really know what I’m looking for here by posting, just wanted to speak to someone as I can’t really speak to anyone in real life as I don’t want them to have an opinion/judgement on our relationship.

OP posts:
Loveduppenguin · 12/12/2025 19:19

I would tidy up, carry on. Pack the car. And just before it’s time to go tell him you’re not going and he can manage the trip without you! Sod that, ungrateful arsehole!!

Devilsmommy · 12/12/2025 19:22

So sorry you have to put up with that. He sounds like a complete twat. I'm assuming that when he's working away he feels like a single man again and is enjoying it so acts like a cunt when he's back because he's actually have to help out for the family. Throwing it in your face that he's the breadwinner so therefore the kids and house are your job is a dick move. Could he possibly have met someone whilst away?

Chattytwin · 12/12/2025 19:23

Tiredmum299 · 12/12/2025 19:16

Currently on maternity leave after having DS number 2. Planning on going back to work in February part time. DP works away for long stints and then home for a weekend before going away again, has done this rotation since I was 6 months pregnant. This has been really hard on the family, the kids and our relationship as well really, navigating him working away alongside a new baby.

We are going away for the weekend and I am trying to get myself, DS aged 10 and DS aged 9 months ready and packed for going away (DP can see to himself). I’ve just cooked dinner, his favourite as he’s lived on takeaways for weeks and I felt like a home cooked meal would be nice for a change, and whilst it was cooking I did the usual multitasking of loading the dishwasher, emptying washing machine, hanging up washing, etc whilst DP sat on the sofa with our eldest, all fine as my son has really missed him and I wanted them to have time together.

just finished dinner and I said okay, I’m going to go and finish packing, can you please see to these dishes? He’s just gone and sat back on the sofa on his phone. I said “DP, I really need help with getting the house tidied and everyone packed before we go away, can you please help me?” And he replied “I will in a while, not just now”. From experience he will end up leaving it and I’ll end up having to do it. So I asked again 15 mins later and I pointed out that for the last few times we’ve gone away, I’ve done all the organising, packing and admin, and would appreciate some help. He then turns round and says “well I’m working away and earning the money, so you will just need to do it”.

I am really upset by this comment, especially since my older son overheard and then he (DS) started copying his dad and saying “yeah mum”. I felt the tears coming and walked away.

I feel really pathetic for getting so upset, but I am just exhausted after years of the invisible labour that mums seem to be stuck with, and lack of help from DP. I have always worked full time since we met and contributed to the household, the only time I have had to rely on him is now when I’m on mat leave and SMP. However I feel that over the years, I have slowly taken on more and more of the household role and the family admin. He’s never had this attitude with me before, but since he’s been working away and earning more money there have been a few similar digs made, but nothing this nasty.

Don’t really know what I’m looking for here by posting, just wanted to speak to someone as I can’t really speak to anyone in real life as I don’t want them to have an opinion/judgement on our relationship.

Definitely need to sit down and have a chat with him about this and the change since he’s started working away

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Families
ToKittyornottoKitty · 12/12/2025 19:24

Is the working away permanent? Seems odd that his attitude has changed now he’s working away

Egglio · 12/12/2025 19:24

Tell that egotistical fucker from me that whilst he may be working away and earning money for the family at the moment, at least he has set working hours and can wind down whenever he likes, which means he should be rested enough to pull his cocky finger out of his arse and contribute to the family by doing the fucking washing up, tidying a bit and helping with the last bit of packing, for fucks sake. And whilst he is at it, set a better example to his son by not treating the person who he is supposed to love like a fucking slave. Fucking arsehole.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 12/12/2025 19:29

Fuck me, if my partner spoke like that to me in front of the kids he would be really fucking sorry.

Leave the dishes. Do not do them. And don't leave tomorrow till he does.

Tell him whenever you feel more angry and sad that if he talks to you like that again, in front of the kids you will call him out for the giant twat he is.

Is this working pattern going on long term? It doesn't sound very sustainable. On the plus side, if you get shot of him, you won't notice much difference.

Original poster
Tiredmum299 · 12/12/2025 19:29

Loveduppenguin · 12/12/2025 19:19

I would tidy up, carry on. Pack the car. And just before it’s time to go tell him you’re not going and he can manage the trip without you! Sod that, ungrateful arsehole!!

Honestly, if it wasn’t for the kids then I would do this!! We have a hotel booked and my older son is really excited to go to the Christmas markets and he would be really upset if I didn’t go.

OP posts:
imcurrentlyeatingpizza · 12/12/2025 19:34

Egglio · 12/12/2025 19:24

Tell that egotistical fucker from me that whilst he may be working away and earning money for the family at the moment, at least he has set working hours and can wind down whenever he likes, which means he should be rested enough to pull his cocky finger out of his arse and contribute to the family by doing the fucking washing up, tidying a bit and helping with the last bit of packing, for fucks sake. And whilst he is at it, set a better example to his son by not treating the person who he is supposed to love like a fucking slave. Fucking arsehole.

Edited

I mean, this is it. I could never word anything better.

Original poster
Tiredmum299 · 12/12/2025 19:36

The working away is permanent unfortunately! Without being too outing, he goes away for 1-2 weeks at a time and then home for 3 ish days. It’s exhausting and I hate it, but it’s significantly more money which has helped with me being off work and has allowed me to stay off for longer.

Genuinely don’t think he has met someone when he’s away. I probably sound naive but I would have seen something pop up on his phone or the joint account, he’s not very tech savvy enough to hide an affair.

I am just putting the baby to bed and then I’m going to go through and speak to him in front of my older boy and make it clear that what he said was unacceptable. Don’t want DS to think he can speak to women that way.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 12/12/2025 19:41

I would start by changing the plan to returning to work full time. You can’t trust him to be an equal partner at home or in life anymore. You need your full earning power as a backup. You also need to not give him an excuse to not do his fair share of the family labor. You aren’t at the leave the bastard stage yet, but if he doesn’t change, you are going to get there.

Original poster
Tiredmum299 · 12/12/2025 19:57

Ponderingwindow · 12/12/2025 19:41

I would start by changing the plan to returning to work full time. You can’t trust him to be an equal partner at home or in life anymore. You need your full earning power as a backup. You also need to not give him an excuse to not do his fair share of the family labor. You aren’t at the leave the bastard stage yet, but if he doesn’t change, you are going to get there.

Yes you could have a point. I always had in my head that if I had more kids I would go part time and enjoy spending more time with them. I do have a fairly decent salary but we live in a really expensive area and DS would lose his place at his school if we moved. So I would need my own money behind me.

OP posts:
Devilsmommy · 12/12/2025 19:58

Egglio · 12/12/2025 19:24

Tell that egotistical fucker from me that whilst he may be working away and earning money for the family at the moment, at least he has set working hours and can wind down whenever he likes, which means he should be rested enough to pull his cocky finger out of his arse and contribute to the family by doing the fucking washing up, tidying a bit and helping with the last bit of packing, for fucks sake. And whilst he is at it, set a better example to his son by not treating the person who he is supposed to love like a fucking slave. Fucking arsehole.

Edited

This is the absolute best post on here and you should do what it says for definite. Definitely pull him up on how he spoke to you in front of your son. You don't want him thinking that that shit is ever going to fly

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/12/2025 20:03

Tiredmum299 · 12/12/2025 19:57

Yes you could have a point. I always had in my head that if I had more kids I would go part time and enjoy spending more time with them. I do have a fairly decent salary but we live in a really expensive area and DS would lose his place at his school if we moved. So I would need my own money behind me.

Show quote history

And he's a DP not DH so protect yourself.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 12/12/2025 20:09

Tiredmum299 · 12/12/2025 19:36

The working away is permanent unfortunately! Without being too outing, he goes away for 1-2 weeks at a time and then home for 3 ish days. It’s exhausting and I hate it, but it’s significantly more money which has helped with me being off work and has allowed me to stay off for longer.

Genuinely don’t think he has met someone when he’s away. I probably sound naive but I would have seen something pop up on his phone or the joint account, he’s not very tech savvy enough to hide an affair.

I am just putting the baby to bed and then I’m going to go through and speak to him in front of my older boy and make it clear that what he said was unacceptable. Don’t want DS to think he can speak to women that way.

He doesn’t need to be tech savy to hide it when he doesn’t even really live with you OP.

Id rethink this permanent working away thing. Your kids would be better off with 2 parents around day to day with you both just working full time, and this is clearly not good for your marriage. Some things just aren’t worth the money.

Elektra1 · 12/12/2025 20:18

What a prick. I’d prepare for your return for work with a full breakdown of all domestic and childcare tasks and then work out a proposal for how those will be shared pro rata to your respective working hours. Sit down and discuss this with him since you will not be doing everything when back at work (and shouldn’t have to when on mat leave either - you’re not the household skivvy).

Original poster
Tiredmum299 · 12/12/2025 20:59

Update - I spoke to him in front of my son, said my feelings were really hurt by his comments. I reminded him how much I do when I’m at home and he works away, how I’m non stop and I need him to step up when he gets home. Then he told me that he is stressed tired and sore from the long hours working this week and then said “but really you’re not working so you should be doing everything, you’re not going to win this argument”. So I’ve come to bed to watch tv because I’m getting nowhere really, and I can now hear him washing dishes and tidying up. I said to him I feel like not going this weekend and my son heard this and got upset. The whole thing is just a bloody shambles.

OP posts:
NutButterOnToast · 12/12/2025 21:03

No, your day job is looking after the baby, just like his job. When you're at home you split the chores.

What a fucking arsehole. How dare he.

imcurrentlyeatingpizza · 12/12/2025 21:09

Tiredmum299 · 12/12/2025 20:59

Update - I spoke to him in front of my son, said my feelings were really hurt by his comments. I reminded him how much I do when I’m at home and he works away, how I’m non stop and I need him to step up when he gets home. Then he told me that he is stressed tired and sore from the long hours working this week and then said “but really you’re not working so you should be doing everything, you’re not going to win this argument”. So I’ve come to bed to watch tv because I’m getting nowhere really, and I can now hear him washing dishes and tidying up. I said to him I feel like not going this weekend and my son heard this and got upset. The whole thing is just a bloody shambles.

Edited

Can you not go without him? He sounds awful. "Really you're not working so you should be doing everything".. does he think before he speaks?! You bloody well do everything when he's not there (and when he is by the sound of it too).

tortiecat · 12/12/2025 21:13

I read your update @Tiredmum299and I’m so sorry.

You do work. Parenting a child under one plus an older child and doing everything at home completely solo for weeks at a time is unpaid work and it’s bloody hard and it’s definitely work.
I found maternity leave was actually much, much tougher than doing paid employed work, even when I had to travel for said work. His response is completely unacceptable.

cakebreak · 12/12/2025 21:16

If you arent married please tell me you at least jointly own the house?
I think the only solution is to look at increasing your earning potential then you arent dependent on him. Financial imbalance often creates very difficult relationship dynamics unfortunately

Pricelessadvice · 12/12/2025 21:21

Sorry OP, but he sounds like an arsehole.
Do you really want this to be your life??

Original poster
Tiredmum299 · 12/12/2025 21:22

Thanks everyone for your replies, we are still going away tomorrow as DS has been really excited about it and I will try to put a smile on my face for him! I agree that being on mat leave can actually be harder than working. I was dreading going back to work initially but now I think a bit of routine and time away from just being mum will do me good

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredmum299 · 12/12/2025 21:22

cakebreak · 12/12/2025 21:16

If you arent married please tell me you at least jointly own the house?
I think the only solution is to look at increasing your earning potential then you arent dependent on him. Financial imbalance often creates very difficult relationship dynamics unfortunately

So we are renting at the moment. Hoping to potentially buy a house in the next year or so once I’ve been back to work a while and income is a bit better

OP posts:
sprigatito · 12/12/2025 21:23

He’s made it as clear as he possibly can that he has NO respect for you, for the labour you perform, for your position as the mother of his child. No respect at all, and he’s happy to be open about that fact in front of your child. There’s no way to make a healthy respectful relationship out of this, so I would start making plans to end it.

Original poster
Tiredmum299 · 12/12/2025 21:25

Pricelessadvice · 12/12/2025 21:21

Sorry OP, but he sounds like an arsehole.
Do you really want this to be your life??

Honestly no, I don’t want this to be my life but I just keep hoping that eventually he will change? I know deep down though that’s me just kidding myself, but right now I have no financial backup and where we live is too expensive for me to be on my own. Without being outing the job I have is a salary scale which I’m now at the top of, and if I left this career I wouldn’t get the same salary elsewhere, so I would need to take on some other type of work on top to get more income in

OP posts: