I could never admit this in real life…
It’s my first Christmas without my (narcissistic) mother, who died earlier this year. For the first time in YEARS I’m looking forward to the whole day not being centred around her.
Sorry - I know how awful that sounds, especially to people who desperately miss their mum and I really don’t want to offend anyone. I miss mine but she was very hard work.
I hosted for years (through choice) and everything had to be how she wanted, despite me wanting to do more interesting and adventurous cooking and activities. We couldn’t have XYZ because “oh no, I don’t like that, we won’t enjoy it” and “no, you won’t have time to make your own crackers, don’t be silly…” and “we’ll have plain sprouts, I don’t like bacon/chestnuts” and “no, no starter, we don’t need one” It was just relentless and I felt like a skivvy and not a host.
I was flat out trying to make everything perfect for her - certain things HAD to be done, like the house immaculate top to bottom, clean beds on Christmas Eve, oven cleaned ready, all the food homemade, proper ironed napkins, colour coordinated decor - and she’d call in to check these things were being done and done ‘properly’. On the day itself the children had to be dressed ‘appropriately’, food served at a certain time and it was a lot of pressure (and I never got it quite right). It probably doesn’t sound too bad, but her way was the only way, if that makes sense and over the years it eroded my self esteem.
I put up with it because the alternative was her tears and sulking and me being seen as the monster. When this is all you’ve known, and boundaries are non existent, it’s hard to change or challenge the status quo. Our family dynamics I now realise were very messed up.
This year I am relieved to be free of this - I feel terribly guilty and unpleasant feeling this way and I know there are hundreds of people who’d give everything to have their late mum with them for Christmas but I am looking forward to doing it the way I’d like.