Is it okay to date someone a lot older?

[CheeryMentor]

I am really just interested in the spark, fun and sex.

He is 55. I am 27.

I have been separated from my husband for about 6 months but prior to that, hadn’t had sex in about 2 years as he didn’t want to. He was a similar age to me.

Anyway, there’s someone I really, really like. But he is 55.

I am a carer to two DC and have no interest in getting myself involved seriously with anyone. I don’t really have the time and my set up is an unusual one. It’s just too complex to be adding any potential partner to the mix in the near future.

This man likes all the same music as me. And we seem to ‘gel’. I get butterflies. Really want to sleep with him

Friends say I am mad to do it. I’m 27 and ‘hot’, they say. Date someone much younger as sleeping with someone that much older suggests you have issues

What do you think? Up for some Mumsnet wisdom on this one

My mum and aunty sort of know him. Family friend but haven’t seen him for years apart from this week at a gathering. Prior to that, about 10+ years since seeing him

Is it really so bad to have some fun here?

If its just a fling, go for it. Have some fun. But in any way a serious/committed relationship- no run a mile

Thank you. I imagine there’s a reason deep down he’s still single at this age! He has 3 DC. Had the first 2 fairly young (same partner)!and the last one is now 14 (different partner)

I have also noticed men my age or younger seem more hesitate to approach women? Not entirely but it’s there. A lot. Yet they’ll add you on instagram and view your stories etc, like your posts. But seem to scared to act despite wanting to

Asked a guy directly at my gym if he did PT sessions at home. Winked at him. He was falling over himself to say sorry, he didn’t do those. And was embarrassed. Same evening messaging me ‘hello’. Argh.

You see it in the gym and at pubs etc. They seem star struck to be approached but they are 100% in my league or maybe even better looking… yet seem beyond flattered?

I have been married since I was 20 so very much alien to dating and casual flings… have things changed?

Just go for it if the plan is just to have a fling. I wouldn't get into a relationship with that big an age gap because you'll just end up a carer for a grumpy old man when you're in your prime (and men do seem to turn into grumpy old men quickly!). But for a few fun shags why not?

When I was 28 I had a thing with a 51 year old man. I’d just had someone break up with me and I needed someone to be nice to me and he was really nice. I knew it was never going to have a future and I wasn’t going to fall in love with him. It went on for about a year and it was fun and the sex was very good. Am much older now and I don’t regret it except that he would have liked more and I think I hurt him. We stayed friends for years after though.
So I think it can work well if you know what you want but do think about his feelings as well - especially if a family friend as it could get messy.

Thank you. That’s reassuring

My brain tells me that he is a man. And will be to be having sex with someone like me of this age. The prime reason for any sort of enjoyment for him he surely the sex. So why would his feelings be hurt when that comes to an end? I’d imagine just a bit of disappointment

Maybe you just come on a bit strong or quickly? You’ve clearly got a high opinion of yourself, which isn’t a bad thing, but that doesn’t mean everyone will be attracted to you, they could be put off by your personal circumstances or just interested in other people.

In answer to your OP, have the fling, why not

How would any of these examples know my personal circumstances? And what has that got to do with casual sex too

Looking at your instagram might give an idea of your circumstances. Why do you assume they want causal sex rather than relationships?

Shag him and enjoy it. But steer clear of a LTR with a guy so much older than you. The sex might not be fantastic either.

I would be worried about him having kids my age or older who would be grossed out by the idea that he was attracted to people of my age. I would also be worried about sleeping with a man who had no maturity difference of that from a 27 year old at his age. People try and spin it as 'im an old soul and he's a young one' and all it means is their partner hasnt grown up or tried to grow up which isnt a plus, its a red flag!

Hmm, but I genuinely am a bit of an old soul. I really don’t connect with people my age, not really. All friends are at least 5+ years older than me.

I’ve also been married, experienced child bereavement and divorce. Lot of responsibilities. So it’s easy to see why someone my age doesn’t really fit as the vibe isn’t there

I highly doubt he is a saint. But I’m not wanting to run down the wedding path with him. I want the shag

His daughter is 2 years younger than me. His sons 10 and 15 years younger

@CheeryMentor if you just ‘want the shag’ then why not go for people on dating apps who often clearly make it known they’re only after a bit of fun? At least then it’s all up front rather than possibly flattering a man into believing a much much younger woman was potentially interested in a proper relationship with him 🤷🏻‍♀️

The guy at the gym might have been flustered because it might be against company policy to date customers. That might be why he contacted you later away from the gym.

So many mights😬

I can’t see anything wrong with the age gap for a short term, casual thing. I did wonder if your mum and aunt know him well enough to have opinions when it ends. Would that cause a problem for you?

I couldn't shag someone whose kids were younger than me; it feels unbelievably icky.

It’d be weirder if they were older than her…

Personally I find men dating women this much younger a bit creepy anyway - there's such a power imbalance, however worldly and mature you are. But when the younger woman is the daughter of friends, just urgh. Sorry

At 55 he could easily have kids older than 27.

Yeah, but a potential parter having kids younger than you isn’t icky like you said, it’s just normal life.

This comment makes no sense....so you can shag a man whose children are older than you?

The asking about private sessions and winking sounds creepy. No wonder he was embarrassed. If someone said that to me at work I would not be happy.

Are you a 20 something bloke?

Bit of a weird question. Do you assume every bloke in their 20s is waiting for you to approach them for casual sex?

So would you rather shag someone whose kids are older than you?

Shag fine but I'd steer clear unless you're good at separating sex and feelings. You're in very different places in your lives and it's hard to see how this will have a happy ending unless you both have clear shared boundaries.