Do you have life long friends or friends for phases?

[Cocoagrowing]

I think I'm quite a good friend in that I'm reliable and will always make myself available in times of need. I'm not the friend who's going to remember your significant dates and I'm not going to text daily just because, only if I have something to say.

I struggled socialy at school but did have a small group of friends. I'm not in touch with any of them. I fell out with one when she did something horrible to another. It wasn't that bad in hindsight but I was furious with her at the time. It was however probably a mark of her generally selfish attitude and I've never particularly felt the loss.

I don't see the friend I was defending now either. I did, until we were into our 40s but now all she wants to talk about is immigrants and benefits cheats, so I've distanced myself. I met up with another school friend after 30+ years recently and it quickly became apparent why we hadn't stayed in touch.

I've had close work colleagues. People I'd have relied on absolutely at the time. People I drank with regularly and who's company I thoroughly enjoyed but there's only one I've stayed in touch with after I left the job.

When DC were young I had a very close group of mum friends, but I don't see or hear from them now.

When I was married, DH and I had a close group of couple friends. After he died they all completely disappeared.

I worked hard to form a new social circle after that and some people were absolutely lovely to me, but I can feel myself drifting from them now. I'm incredibly grateful for the friendship they gave me when I really needed it, but now I don't, I find the group less appealing (they're all big drinkers which is the main reason I'm less keen to spend time with them, as I've cut right back).

I don't feel lonely and I don't particularly feel the loss of these friends, although the ones after DH died was hard at the time. I like people and will join groups for the social contact, but don't especially need someone to be close to iyswim.

I'm not sure if this is a problem or if it's normal to have different friends as you pass through different phases of life?

I have both.
Some of the friends from way back have fallen away, but there are a handful of lifelong ones, who have been there throughout the decades, and phases.
Sadly, given our ages, some of them are dying now, which is a different story.

I have also acquired friendships through geography, shared interests and circumstances, some of which have faded when circumstances change, and a few that have joined the lifelong ones.

I’ve got one friend I’ve know since infant school and we see each other twice a year usually.
Another one I’ve known for forty years and we meet up a few times a year as well. We can keep in touch on messenger and so on. I think it’s nice having friends , but I don’t have that many and lots of acquaintances have dropped by the way side over the years despite it being easier to stay in touch these days.

I think this is super interesting to hear your take, as I am from personality and culture someone who has friends from when I was two despite travelling and living away for years, to the point where I had to give myself permission to drift from some of them as they didn’t serve either of us anymore. To me some of my oldest friendships are like family and a vital thread that has run through all of my life and made me who I am. I have had to make a lot of new friends due to moving country though which has been hard! I’m brilliant at maintaining friends but find it hard to get out and make new ones.

I’ve also had some friends be more like you, through no argument or issue just drift on to pastures new and it’s nice to hear that often thats not personal, just personality!

Both

I have both.
Like you, OP, I'm not someone who texts/calls/messages every day (or even even every week), but I'm honest, reliable and keep confidences.
All that said, I do have a friend who has health problems that does like to call every two or three days, which I sometimes almost resent.
(I'd never tell them - they don't have anyone else to talk to.)

I mostly have seasonal friends, and I'm fine with it. For example I'm very friendly and do lots of things/have lots of messages with the football mums at the moment, but I know that if we left football, it would drift. Same with the primary school mums, very friendly at the time, but hardly see/hear from them now. I do have 2 or 3 long term friends, but I quite enjoy the changing nature of it to be honest.

I was on an app with some old friends years ago , but it mysteriously stopped. I’ve not been ‘ghosted’ or removed from it, but clearly being left out of some things, so people end up drifting away for whatever reason.
it’s sad that it happens, but is what it is I suppose.
People move on. It’s harder to make new friends as you get older too I think.

I have both: I have a couple of very old friends of twenty-plus years (from secondary school and university) who I’ve maintained really close friendships with - but we’ve retained largely similar lifestyles and interests throughout the years, which is probably the crux of it. I’ve acquired other friends along the way from all kinds of places; I’ve been closer to some than others at varying points, and the closeness has shifted back and forth with others depending on where we’ve happened to be in our lives at the time. I think that’s pretty normal. Friendship is about mutual benefit, and you’re naturally going to be in the same an different phase as each other at times.

I do work hard to bridge the gaps in lifestyle and geography with a couple of other older friends, though it’s not always easy: but there is something about being able to just meet up with the people who knew me when I was young, and laughingly recall all the things that I’d probably never really talk with any of my other friends about (because they weren’t there, and so it would be boring for them!) Our lives diverged some time ago - they had children, I didn’t - but there’s still enough of who we always each liked in the other which remains steadfast to carry the friendships.

I have a couple of friends I’ve known since we were 3 or 4 yrs old( we’re now in our 60s)We still meet up regularly and our DHs are now good friends too. We often meet up as a group of six.
I have another friend I’ve known since we were 12 yrs old.
I am still good friends with several of my work colleagues that I’ve known since I was a teenager. We meet up regularly.
I’ve had other friends I’ve known through various groups and activities that I no longer keep in touch with.

Surely both is normal. I've got friends who go back over 20 years. I've had friends who were part of a life stage but have drifted away from. "Friends for phases" can turn into life friends (obviously... they all started as friends in a certain phase). Drifting away doesn't necessarily mean an end to the friendship if life brings you back together later.

I wouldn't be friends with anyone who banged on about immigrants and benefit cheats.

I'm not still friends with anyone from my schooldays or childhood and that's fine by me. There are probably 3-4 people max that I could probably pick a friendship back up with if we met again.

I feel bad that I have one friend I let drift, but some can be drains on your time and energy and only interested in themselves too. You need it to be a two way street to survive as well. It’s Different with family of course , but with friends tends to be more flexible I think and people do drift apart at different times in their life.

Both i have 2 best friends one I've known since 4 and the other since 11. Then I have friends like colleagues, mum friends that drift when circumstances change

If you're happy with it and you're not bothered by it then it's fine. It sounds like you enjoy social interaction but don't have a regular need for it. That's fine, nothing wrong with that.

I have a bit of both:

• close friends (best friends): 2 that I have known since primary school and we’re in our 50s now. We are constant in each others lives and have gone through the fun and hard stuff of life shoulder to shoulder
• best friend from Uni … still close but not geographically. We meet up 2 or 3 times a year, chat/text often and our husbands are close friends and we take holidays together sometimes.
• best friend - from work, meeting 25 years ago. Most profound impact on each other as people.
• newest best friend - one of the school mums and we really connected. See each other regularly for fun and support and have been close for 7 years

Theres been some close friends from whom I’ve drifted apart but not completely lost- including mutual friends of my ExDH. We make an effort to meet up annually so it’s light touch although I’m godmother to a couple of their now grown-up kids so there will always be a connection. There’s also been school mums in 2 cities, some of whom I’d drop stuff for if they needed it and others I can just look fondly on the picnics/play dates/pub nights out but am quite happy for those to be in the past.

Then there’s the people I know and am friendly with when out and about. Regular dog walkers, school mums and dads, people from the local pub, neighbours, women from the gym/hairdressers/beauticians. There’s been an occasional evening out with various of these and I know I can call into our local pub on my own and find people I know to have a drink with if I feel like it.

For me, I’m happy with these friendships and acquaintances; they feel equal and balanced.

I have had one significant falling out with a former close friend which still saddens me 20 years later.

Life long friends. I'm 65 and sporadic friendships disappeared long ago. One of my best friends was a colleague 30 years ago.

As I've aged, shallow friends disappeared. Some of were nice people with their own lives, often conflicting with my own. With the rest, we just drew apart.

I have a handful of friends but I trust them with my life.

But also, I didn't answer the question. I moved around a lot and didn't settle down until my late 20s. I have one contact from childhood but we're not real friends. I have a friend I met 25 years ago and I doubt that will end, but it was a real slow grower, maybe took 8 years to become a proper friend. Another friend and I met 14 years ago and I doubt this will end. I've worked in the same area for 25 years so some colleagues feel like friends, we know each other well, care deeply about one another and meet up outside of work, but I have to wait to see if this will continue once I've retired.

I don't need to talk things through and am quite independent. And I like to socialise around doing things or in talking and laughing about interesting ideas and concepts as opposed to talking about who said what to whom or where we've gone on holiday, or what we're doing for Christmas. I engage in the latter because of social etiquette, but my friendships are with folks who share my interest in taking about ideas.

Friendship is like marriage. Sometimes it lasts, sometimes you outgrow one another. It's healthy to ditch people from your past if they make you unhappy. Actually, it's surprising how many people keep really odious, boring or toxic 'friends' in their life.

Very few people ever regret divorce. A therapist once told me that in her entire career she'd only known one woman who regretted leaving her husband. The others only felt bitter about one thing – that they didn't do it earlier. I feel the same about friends I have dumped. I dumped them for a reason – because they were selfish or boring or unpleasant and were making my life worse not better. I have ditched half a dozen friends in my life. Don't miss them one tiny bit.

I have no friends

I’ve heard of people getting re married to each other! It’s probably rare , but does happen.
Most people don’t regret getting divorced I think.
Many don’t do it for so many other reasons I suppose
it

Some friends, I have known for my entire life (our parents were friends).

Then all the rest, I have picked up throughout my lifetime at school and work, mostly.

I presume you have heard that old saying about having friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime? It's normal to have friends moving in and out of your life, but it's also good to have a few who stick around for the long term.

I have around half a dozen very good female 'lifetime' friends I met at various points in my life, from pre-school to my late 40s (I am now late 50s). I even have one good friend I sort of inherited from my mother (a younger former colleague of hers). I've moved around a lot (internationally), so they are all in different places and some I only see once every few years, although we are in touch via email or social media.

None of them know each other, so I meet up with them one-to-one whenever I can. As an introvert, but a sociable one, I don't really do big friendship groups of the 'girl gang' variety, so this suits me fine.

Other friendships have been more for a 'reason or a season' and have faded out when the reason or season ended (eg most school mum friends). I also lost plenty of the 'couple friends' I knew from before my DH died, but some of them have stayed in touch.

The main question for you, OP, is are you happy with the friendships you have? If you are starting to feel isolated, then maybe it is time to seek out new friends for your current 'season'.

I don’t really have any friends.

My best friend is my sister, but she does have her own group of friends, who I know but feel like a bit of an imposter if I do anything with all of them.

School/college friends I lost touch with because my ExHB was abusive and didn’t like them so my friends were his friends and wives/girlfriends. When I left him they all blocked/blanked me, even those I’d known for the whole of my 17 year relationship.

I have work friends who I keep in touch with even when I’ve left that particular department etc, but differences of age/circumstance/culture means I rarely see them outside of work.

When DD was little I worked and so used to use breakfast/after school clubs and it was very covid-y so no mum friends. I’ve only just need added to a school WhatsApp group now she’s in year 6 to talk about the end of year stuff.

I’ve tried joining new things but even places to meet people I’ve found people tend to go with a friend. And tbh when I’ve lost people over time it does make me feel like you can’t rely on or truly trust people.

It really gets me down sometimes actually. It’s a horrid feeling to know if I wanted to call someone right now and say hi/offload/ask if they wanted a takeaway and a bottle of wine on Friday I have no one to call.

I had a gang of friends at school, but after Uni I realised I was making all the effort to see them, they weren’t including me, so I stopped bothering. The last time I tried to gather them all on my behalf was for my birthday meal, but all but one dropped out. I got the message. I’ve seen them in dribs and drabs over the years, and got invited to one wedding reception in 2017, but I don’t really care for them now. There was a “reunion” last year, and someone was getting married and told me it was only a small do. I didn’t expect to be invited anyway so didn’t think anything of it. The morning after the wedding I got added to a Whatsapp group, don’t know why, where they were all sharing pics of a huge function room wedding reception with loads of people.

For a good few years I only saw one or two of them, but we drifted apart, and I made some great new friends online through mutual interests over Covid.

I then started volunteering at my local parkrun when I got injured, and after Covid got invited to be in the core RD team. The whole core team are brilliant, we’re all really good friends and I wouldn’t swap them for the world!

I have friends from every stage of my life! I feel I am very blessed to have friends from primary, secondary, uni, first flatmates, first job etc. My friends are now spread all around Europe and we are still in touch and meet up regularly. One of my friends once told me that many of my friendships lasted because of the effort I made to see everyone and keep in touch. Tbh I never felt that as I was naturally doing cause i m very outgoing. But no matter the reason why I m happy to have them all in my life.