Last names?

[jollypollydolly]

Just looking for some advice and to see if I’m in the wrong really.
due a baby with my partner, he was previously married and now divorced, he has two kids from the marriage which both have his last name alongside his ex wife also keeping his last name during the divorce.
I am uncomfortable with the idea of giving our baby his last name and it having the same last name as his ex wife, to me it makes them all seem a family on paper, social media ect they all look a family while I’ll be the one who is essentially left out and different. His children having the same last name doesn’t bother at all as they are his children but the ex wife makes me uncomfortable. She posts on social media and tags him in things making it seem as if they are still together to everyone else. I know legally she cannot be made to change her last name and she obviously wants the same last name as her children but why should mine and his baby still be tied to her?
am I in the wrong? Being irrational and hormonal?
thanks for reading.

Forget the ex - if he is only your PARTNER then the baby gets your last name! Better still, don't have a baby or give up your career until married - it is much more than just a piece of paper

The baby wasn’t planned, not loved any less but just wasn’t planned so these things was never discussed or thought about previously.

Why would your baby not have your name?

I totally agree your baby should have your surname.
And I also think you should be wary of having a child with this man when you don't have any of the legal and financial protection of marriage.
I would also not be happy that he and his ex are still presenting as a family unit.

Sensible to give baby your last name for now. Once you get married (if) you can change it so you all have the same last name. No one will think your baby is his ex wife’s, you are being a bit irrational there.

I’ve just always assumed babies take the dad’s last name? It’s all I’ve ever known ect, friends and family if they aren’t married the baby has always taken dads last name.

Babies always take the mother’s last name. When you’re in hospital they tag the baby with “baby ‘mother’s surname’”. It was only because women used to get married and change their surname before they had a baby that the baby would have the father’s name by default.

You’re not married, I can’t understand why you would even consider giving the baby a name that isn’t yours? Either give them your surname or double barrel.

Thank you everyone, certainly given me the thought now to give baby my last name.

I am not judging morally, but legally - you are in a very precarious situation if you pause your career top raise his baby and you're not married, if you then separate.

So he won’t marry you (ie, giving you the option to take his name), yet expects you to give your baby his name? Cool.

I’m the one not wanting to be married while his ex wife still has his last name, I’m not prepared to be Mrs (last name) while she’s still strutting around like she is also.

But you are putting yourself in a very precarious situation, as we have all tried to explain

Traditionally the baby gets the mother's last name. Because historically (in England, at least, since regular official records have been kept) most babies were born in wedlock and most women took their husband's name, the whole family would have the husband's (and presumably dad's) last name, but the reason the children had it was BECAUSE that was the mother's name. If you and the baby's dad have different last names, baby absolutely gets yours.

However, his ex wife, having initially changed her name to his probably expecting to be together indefinitely, is under no obligation to change it back/again. Think of the paperwork and hassle! She's not "strutting" - as I expect you know - and probably regrets ever changing her name in the first place but isn't going to want the hassle of changing it AND having a different last name from HER children while they still share their dad's. Think about it!

You can marry and keep your own surname. There is no law which forces you to adopt your spouse's surname.

Your child should be given your surname when you register the birth.

You have two separate issues here. Firstly the baby should take your surname as you are not married. If you marry you can choose to all take his name or keep it as it is.

Secondly your insecurity about his ex wife still having the same name is a you problem, not him or the ex's. Of course she wants to keep the same name as her DC and why shouldn't she. Don't expect her to ever change it.

Give the child the fathers surname as a second middle name and make yours the surname. As others have said, it has never been a tradition that a baby takes the father's name.

This is a real odd hill to die on and it puts you in a very precarious position. You do know you can get married and keep your name, double barrel your name or even choose a completely new name it's not mandatory to become Mrs His Surname...

For now baby should have your name but you definitely need to sort out the important legal details now you're going to be raising a baby together.

You are being ridiculous about his ex wife’s name, she is his ex for a reason. How old are his children? Call the baby whatever name you like, I would use your name if you have no plans to marry in the future.

This is a really immature view OP. She’s not strutting about, it’s her name and the name of her children.

Not unreasonable to want to give your baby your last name.
You do need to stop defining everything through the lens of what the ex does or doesn’t do.

I'm 50 and I have seen enough to know it's not about having the same name as the children. She'll likely be changing her name if she remarries, and then have a different name from her children.

There is every reason for you to feel off about this. Her taggin her ex-husband is to still keep up the illusion of a happy family on social media.

Stop thinking about the ex having your partner's last name and instead think of it as having the same last name as her children. His Mother probably has his last name too.

This baby gets your surname. I have been on MN a very long time. Unless you are married and share a name then the baby gets your surname. If you decide to name this baby after him years down the line this could come to bite you on the arse in several ways, so just make it easier for yourself and register the child with your name.

If you do get married you might consider combining your names rather than you taking his name. I know several people who have done this rather than hyphenating their names together especially as they both have children from previous marriages.

If it was that big of a deal, perhaps you should’ve chosen to procreate with one of the men without an XW strutting around with his name.

Putting yourself in a precarious position on her account is certainly…a choice. After you’ve taken a maternity leave, possibly not gone full steam ahead for promotions, avoided business travel, or gone part-time, to enable you to care for his baby, he can walk away and you get precisely 0% of his assets, 0% of his pension, and will likely have a black hole in your own pension to try to fill as a single mum.

This is really irrational. You can’t control what name she uses so to get this upset over it isn’t healthy.
I still use my married name. It’s my name and my DC’s name and also my decision. And linked to a professional registration where my ID needs to be in the same name so a bugger to change.
I certainly wouldn’t change it after 25 years because of the views of my ex’s new partner.
Call your DC what you want but your reasons need to be a bit more rational than that.

I think an ex wife can keep the surname indefinitely. My parents divorced 25 years years ago and my mum still goes by my dad's surname. I have no idea why. I think she just couldn't be bothered with the admin and maybe if she's honest maybe it was Initially shame at being a divorcee, I'm sure she'd deny that though. Anyway he's got married again now. I really think its not a hill to die on especially as its quite meaningless as they are divorced.

My dad has never really cared as the main thing to his relief was that they were divorced.

But would recommend getting married for financial security.