Last names?

[jollypollydolly]

Just looking for some advice and to see if I’m in the wrong really.
due a baby with my partner, he was previously married and now divorced, he has two kids from the marriage which both have his last name alongside his ex wife also keeping his last name during the divorce.
I am uncomfortable with the idea of giving our baby his last name and it having the same last name as his ex wife, to me it makes them all seem a family on paper, social media ect they all look a family while I’ll be the one who is essentially left out and different. His children having the same last name doesn’t bother at all as they are his children but the ex wife makes me uncomfortable. She posts on social media and tags him in things making it seem as if they are still together to everyone else. I know legally she cannot be made to change her last name and she obviously wants the same last name as her children but why should mine and his baby still be tied to her?
am I in the wrong? Being irrational and hormonal?
thanks for reading.

In the hospital baby will be known as your last name. Id just keep that as the baby's last name.

I wouldnt have any child that I'd carried or birthed have a different last name to me.

Saves any hassle.

having the legal protection of marriage is completely separate to changing your name.

i've been married 20+ years but never changed my name.

you & your baby should have the same name, and you should think carefully about how you are financially secure in the long term. without marriage, you could be left with nothing if your partner died suddenly or walked out.

This is a ludicrous reason not to get married. My mum, my step mum, and us kids all had the same surname and I can assure you that no-one was in any doubt as to what the relationship status of each person was. There are countless families in the same situation, and you'd be mad to deny yourself the protections that marriage brings because of a shared surname.

But until the time that you do get married (?), give the baby your surname. It could prevent a lot of problems, if you split up with baby's father. Use his name as a middle name, if you want to.

Give the baby your surname.

Give the baby your surname.

Marriage and surnames are different issues.

You can marry and keep your own name and give your baby your own name too.

You can change your name to his (or anything you like) without bringing married.

He could change his surname to yours

I know lots of people who have kept their own name and given the baby both surnames hyphenated.

In your shoes I would give your baby your surname. And if you do marry, keep your own name to match your baby’s , and because it is not necessary to label yourself with a man’s surname, and be part of a line of women who have his name.

Of course his ex kept their own name: it became her name when she changed it and she will want to keep their own name same name as her kids.

I think an ex wife can keep the surname indefinitely

Of course she can. Once she has changed her name it is legally HER name. Do we think women should be stripped of their names in divorce like No-longer-Prince-Andrew?

It is none of a man’s business what his ex calls herself . And pretty outrageous if a man wants his kids to have his surname but then expects their mother to change her name to something different from her kids.

You don’t have to change your name on marriage OR give the baby his name whether you’re married or not. It’s ENTIRELY up to you.

“I’m the one not wanting to be married while his ex wife still has his last name, I’m not prepared to be Mrs (last name) while she’s still strutting around like she is also.”

OP, you might be waiting a very long time. My DH’s ex still has his name - I’m 68. I don’t have my husband’s surname: I kept the surname of my DC, which is what they wanted when I remarried, and my DH, being a very reasonable person, did not object. I really think you should reconsider your stance - if you want to be married to your DP - and it would certainly give you and your DC more security - then you need to get over the name thing. You can marry and keep your own surname, or take his, and decide between you what your DC will have, but what his ex does is frankly irrelevant.

The baby should have your name. It’s the most obvious and natural solution especially as you aren’t married.

baby always ALWAYS has the mothers surname.

My last name is Taylor, my ex husband last name is Jones, when I divorced him I changed my eldests last name to Taylor-Jones and changed my own back to Taylor. (Changing her name was a long difficult process as I needed ex permission and he kept refusing and I wanted the have the same last name as my DD1 so i wouldn't change mine until hers was changed.)

I'm now not married but engaged with 2 more DD, to another man, last name Brown.

Little DDs are Taylor-Brown, when I marry their dad, we will both be Taylor-Brown.

(All fake names)

“Strutting around”? I hate this “being married and taking a man’s name is an achievement” mindset. <shudder>

You need to get over this.
That is legally her name, she has no obligation to change it when likely it has been her identity for many years, may be how she is known in her professional field, is the name of her children.

Make the decisions you want to make for you and your baby rather than decisions routed in insecurity and jealousy. It’s petty.
It is perfectly valid for that decision to be you and your baby will have your surname - even if you are married. But planning all your life decisions about his ex-wives surname is childish.