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Original poster

Do I support DS making a possible big mistake

43 replies

BingoingMadMa · 07/12/2025 09:15

DS switched to private for secondary from state primary as other local option wasn’t great at all (low support, low grades, massive and due to behaviour issues very regimented), and it was a family decision.
He went knowing no one and has done really, really well (academically he’s doing great and has tried and enjoyed lots of extra activities he wouldn’t have had the chance to try at state, he’s an all round lovely lad).
Unfortunately the school had a new head just after we joined and is super focused on one sport and has encouraged and prioritised scholars in this field to join, meaning the student mix is heavily biased around this sport which DS now feels excluded from (he enjoyed it but obviously scholars have made the team not him). DS is now no longer ‘in the group’ and feels very much alone saying he’s isolated and no one talks to him anymore. There aren’t many students in the school and so no other group he feels part of.
He’s convinced moving to state secondary is where he will find his tribe (he does know a lot of students there in all year groups - he’s a very likeable lad and has many friends out of school), but I worry tremendously that he’s making a huge mistake giving up all the extra curricular choices, trips and support that comes with private for finding friendship.
Do I support his move or say no, knowing that he will continue to be miserable?

OP posts:

Dozer · 07/12/2025 13:00

That’s not many at all, even if his current school is single sex. Is moving house an option you’re willing to consider?

DarkForces · 07/12/2025 13:03

I'd absolutely support him. They spend too many hours in school to be miserable and even if it's a mistake at least it's his mistake

Catrukes · 07/12/2025 14:27

Yes, just the same. Not fallen out with anyone, just not in with the group that he would naturally have been with, if in the team. Others were fine but not his tribe. I’m not sure what the right decision for you is, but eventually, through college or Uni, he will find his people again. It’s tough when the social group is so small. I really feel for you but it will get better.

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FatCatPyjamas · 07/12/2025 14:39

The long-term impact of feeling isolated and not fitting in on a teenager's MH shouldn't be overlooked. If he's smart and adaptable, he should still be able to get good grades at a state school.

Obviously, all children are different and their experiences unique, but my eldest DS had a truly awful time at an academically selective school with an excellent reputation because he struggled socially. He had a severe MH crisis in year 11 and didn't go to school at all for a whole term. He barely made it in for his exams. Now, he's at college with completely different people and has made amazing friends. He's still under CAMHS, but is far happier than he ever was at school.

moneyadviceplease · 07/12/2025 14:46

I’d probably keep him there until after GCSE’s. There’s a good chance that the issues in the bigger state school will have more impact on his happiness and achievements than staying where he is. What are the academic results of the state school like. If they’re really poor I wouldn’t move him

surprisebaby12 · 07/12/2025 14:47

Speak to his school about the challenge your son is facing

TheNightingalesStarling · 07/12/2025 14:49

Do you know any parents of boys of a similar ability to your DS at the State school that can give a realistic sense of the school? Sometimes the top sets/academic GCSEs classes can be rather calm compared to the school as a whole.

FairKoala · 07/12/2025 14:52

Why not spend money on tutors in different subjects and extra curricular activities.
It is sole destroying staying somewhere you are isolated
If anything he will probably go downhill and fail everything staying where he isn’t wanted

Move him and be prepared for some bullying when his peers find out he went to private school

FairKoala · 07/12/2025 14:56

moneyadviceplease · 07/12/2025 14:46

Don’t do this

The depression and fultility of being expected to not talk to anyone for the next 3 years and being alone in a classroom full of people who used to be his friend who now don’t talk to him. I don’t think you can imagine what this can do to a person let alone a friend.

noblegiraffe · 07/12/2025 15:06

If he's smart and adaptable, he should still be able to get good grades at a state school.

Don't count on this. Even a smart and adaptable kid can have their results fucked by the lack of a teacher, particularly where coursework is involved.

Genuinely surprised at the lack of focus academics is getting in this thread. If you'd started 'should I move my DS to a failing state school so he can be with his mates?' You'd have got very different responses.

Is he catastrophising? You say he does lots of extra curricular activities at the school, does he not talk to anyone when he is doing his swimming, for example?

Hazelmaybe · 07/12/2025 15:09

Are there any other private schools?

phallusfallacy · 07/12/2025 15:15

Let him go.

I was him 30 years ago. My tribe is still those who went to the local state and my mum wouldn't allow me to join them. I ended up so unhappy I left home as soon as I legally could so that I had the power to leave the school too.

FairKoala · 07/12/2025 15:30

phallusfallacy · 07/12/2025 15:15

Let him go.

This.

Left my private school at 16 with 1 grade C O level and moved out shortly after and was married at 17.

I think my life would have been so much easier if my mother had let me move schools to the local state secondary modern instead of saying I couldn’t run away from my problems.

I didn’t have any problems that couldn’t be sorted with “running away”

TreesOfGreen99 · 07/12/2025 15:32

I would ask the state school if DS could attend for a couple of days this term. This would give him the opportunity to see what it’s really like, to see if he’s bullied coming from private school, to see the level of teaching and classroom behaviour. I think if it’s a poorly performing school he might be shocked at the difference to his current school,
I would also look at the next nearest private school, and possibly even boarding school.

I have had DC in both state and private, mainly state so am definitely not anti-state, but a poor school could be a dreadful choice.

JustFrustrated · 07/12/2025 15:53

I was your son.
My step dad at the time intervened and pulled me out.
Genuinely saved my mental health and I went on thrive.

My brother stuck it out. And he took far longer to get into his groove after leaving after his A levels (which he failed and had to re do, and then failed the first year uni....and it all links back)

Pull him. Friendships are half the battle at school.

And academia comes SECOND in everything. The damage done to the adult brain, through being lonely and not heard in teenage years can be life ruining

FatCatPyjamas · 07/12/2025 16:34

noblegiraffe · 07/12/2025 15:06

If he's smart and adaptable, he should still be able to get good grades at a state school.

Don't count on this. Even a smart and adaptable kid can have their results fucked by the lack of a teacher, particularly where coursework is involved.

Is he catastrophising? You say he does lots of extra curricular activities at the school, does he not talk to anyone when he is doing his swimming, for example?

My DS's results were fucked by staying. His anxiety and suicide ideation was so bad that he could only make it into school to do 5 core subject exams, and only of he had a private room and turned up 20 minutes after the other kids had gone into their exam hall. He had to drop all the others, including his favourite subjects. He was predicted grade 8's and 9's for the dropped subjects. He got 5 good GCSE's and managed to get onto the college course he wanted because he's a bright lad, but the cost of constant low-level bullying, feeling isolated and alone was massive.

I'm not saying that this is what will happen to the OP's DS, but it is worth considering.

TreesOfGreen99 · 18/12/2025 06:43

@BingoingMadMa hi op, would be great to get an update, have you made a decision?

DallasMajor · 18/12/2025 06:59

I have no idea now it all works, but assume you have already paid for private for the next term?

If so I would be tempted to try the state school (as there is space) is it possible to do this whilst on private school holidays?

It is easy to see a change as the solution, but there will be much more negatives to a bad state school than not having many friends. Equally many kids have lonely and torturous times at secondary school and don't find their friends until college/uni.

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