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Original poster

Do I support DS making a possible big mistake

43 replies

BingoingMadMa · 07/12/2025 09:15

DS switched to private for secondary from state primary as other local option wasn’t great at all (low support, low grades, massive and due to behaviour issues very regimented), and it was a family decision.
He went knowing no one and has done really, really well (academically he’s doing great and has tried and enjoyed lots of extra activities he wouldn’t have had the chance to try at state, he’s an all round lovely lad).
Unfortunately the school had a new head just after we joined and is super focused on one sport and has encouraged and prioritised scholars in this field to join, meaning the student mix is heavily biased around this sport which DS now feels excluded from (he enjoyed it but obviously scholars have made the team not him). DS is now no longer ‘in the group’ and feels very much alone saying he’s isolated and no one talks to him anymore. There aren’t many students in the school and so no other group he feels part of.
He’s convinced moving to state secondary is where he will find his tribe (he does know a lot of students there in all year groups - he’s a very likeable lad and has many friends out of school), but I worry tremendously that he’s making a huge mistake giving up all the extra curricular choices, trips and support that comes with private for finding friendship.
Do I support his move or say no, knowing that he will continue to be miserable?

OP posts:
DrProfessorYaffle · 07/12/2025 09:18

What year is he?

Original poster
BingoingMadMa · 07/12/2025 09:22

Sorry, meant to add year 9. So GCSE options next term.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 07/12/2025 09:22

Yep year is vital.

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Tiswa · 07/12/2025 09:23

BingoingMadMa · 07/12/2025 09:22

Sorry, meant to add year 9. So GCSE options next term.

Yes then I would. He is unhappy and it is the only real window to move otherwise he is stuck for another 2.5 years

Original poster
BingoingMadMa · 07/12/2025 11:28

Hopeful bump

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Tiswa · 07/12/2025 11:36

It kind of is his choice - set out whst he will be missing and let him make it. But he sounds so miserable

I always say to mine it is far better to live with mistakes that you have made yourself than resentment towards someone who made a choice for you. Resentment is an emotion that can eat you up. The right decision is the one that you choose for yourself and as long as you make sure it is an informed one it is his to make now.

LlynTegid · 07/12/2025 11:39

I would support him moving, after making sure he had all the information he needs to do so.

Any number of threads over the years have highlighted the impact of being not particularly sporty is a school where sport is prioritised.

Dozer · 07/12/2025 11:43

‘There aren’t many students in the school’ (which will impact on resources and could eventually mean closure) and DS struggling socially seem good reasons to consider moving. Doesn’t mean it will be easy socially in the new school.

GCSEs are important, if he’s going to move sooner would be better.

The stuff about sport seems a red herring.

noblegiraffe · 07/12/2025 11:43

You said you didn't send him to the state secondary in the first place because of "low support, low grades, massive and due to behaviour issues very regimented"

Has any of this changed? Will being with his mates overcome the fact that he will have worse teaching and poorer academic outcomes?

Buscobel · 07/12/2025 12:03

Are there places in Year 9 in a state school you would be happy for him to attend?

Original poster
BingoingMadMa · 07/12/2025 12:06

@noblegiraffe none of that has changed, the state school does struggle in all areas and despite them trying it does have a terrible reputation (amongst staff also) but DS says he can cope with it all if he’s happier.
I’ve pointed out all he’ll be losing - foreign trips, excursions, performances, after school clubs he does currently at the private school, guaranteed hot lunch, smaller classes and longer holidays. He’ll be gaining about 300 students per year group and about 1200 in the whole school. He says he’ll find similar minded kids there. He is very sensible and open minded whereas his current peers are all of a similar ilk IYSWIM.

OP posts:
Original poster
BingoingMadMa · 07/12/2025 12:08

@Dozer I do think the schools current business plan isn’t sustainable l but financially it appears good for the next 3 years or so. (friend is chair of govs)

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Original poster
BingoingMadMa · 07/12/2025 12:10

@Buscobel yes plenty of spaces in the local state school. Not much choice where we live unfortunately.

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Parsleyforme · 07/12/2025 12:13

I think his happiness is more important than the extracurriculars. If he’s spending 7 hours a day 5 days a week somewhere he feels miserable and lonely then a few foreign trips and performances aren’t going to change that. If a kid is bright then they’ll do well in any school as long as they try hard. With the money you save from sending him to state school you could pay for out of school clubs and extra opportunities

noblegiraffe · 07/12/2025 12:19

BingoingMadMa · 07/12/2025 12:06

@noblegiraffe none of that has changed, the state school does struggle in all areas and despite them trying it does have a terrible reputation (amongst staff also) but DS says he can cope with it all if he’s happier.
I’ve pointed out all he’ll be losing - foreign trips, excursions, performances, after school clubs he does currently at the private school, guaranteed hot lunch, smaller classes and longer holidays. He’ll be gaining about 300 students per year group and about 1200 in the whole school. He says he’ll find similar minded kids there. He is very sensible and open minded whereas his current peers are all of a similar ilk IYSWIM.

I notice that you're only talking about extra curriculars and nice-to-haves. Does he and you also realise he'll be giving up having qualified teachers for his subjects? If the school is getting poor results and has plenty of spaces, there will be a reason for that.

He will probably find that his GCSE options will be cancelled at short notice or that he will have a teacher who doesn't know what they are talking about and he will have to teach himself. He may well find himself with supply teachers in maths and/or English in Y11.

This is not at all uncommon in English state schools, even ones that get good results.

Catrukes · 07/12/2025 12:19

We experienced a very similar situation. Do not underestimate how sport and being in the team affects friendships in a private school. We stuck with it and eventually our child ended up very unhappy and unable to attend and we home schooled for a year, which made us all unhappy. Son had always been in private education and we started to look for a different but private setting for sixth form. Son refused and they ended up at local state college. He has thrived. Made some great friendships, got back into sport, for fun rather than competitive and is becoming the happy child we once knew. Obviously your situation is not as extreme but you can create many of the opportunities yourself that private offers, and above all you need a happy young person. I would talk to the school, there must be other children in the same boat, but I wouldn’t discount the state school. Happy kids do well. Unhappy ones don’t.

Original poster
BingoingMadMa · 07/12/2025 12:29

@noblegiraffe Yes these are all fears of mine as when we had a look, many classes were grouped together with work books due to no teaching staff and the kids are expected to do self guided learning during these sessions.
I do get that the additional after school time means he can do extracurricular activities but sadly they won’t be the same as what he does now eg - school has their own swimming pool and their own clubs. He could get a bus to the council pool but that’d take an hour each way and not sure if they offer the same activities.

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Tiswa · 07/12/2025 12:31

Any other private schools

TheNightingalesStarling · 07/12/2025 12:31

Has he looked at the subject options?

Original poster
BingoingMadMa · 07/12/2025 12:36

@Catrukes Thank you and I’m so sorry your Ds had similar, glad to hear he’s thriving again. I’ve spoken with school and sadly the other kids are kids who aren’t at all DS cup of tea. I think this is why he doesn’t feel he belongs. He’s not fallen out with any of them nor are they mean it’s just they all have the ‘competitive’ group and he’s not a part of it. I can’t see the situation changing anytime soon as it’s become increasingly obvious really.
I am so torn, and I can see how much he’s torn too. His truly is a lovely lad and all round a goodun!

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Original poster
BingoingMadMa · 07/12/2025 12:39

@Tiswa Next private is an extra hour bus ride each way, same as another state option. Don’t really want to be looking even further afield than already. (It’s a struggle with work and other DC’s drop offs and have to admit the longer days have worked in our favour)!

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Original poster
BingoingMadMa · 07/12/2025 12:43

@TheNightingalesStarling Yes, state has many more options but limited to only 2 additional outside their core whereas private he can chose pretty much other than math, English and science. State options are certainly more diverse!

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Dozer · 07/12/2025 12:47

How many DC in his year group where he currently is?

Unless there are a very small number it seems improbable that they are ALL ‘of the same ilk’.

If his preferred state school has few resources and DC get poor results, is your DS aware of that? What is the other state school an hour away like?

The money saved from fees could pay for tutors on the academic side.

stichguru · 07/12/2025 12:48

It's difficult but I think on balance I'd move him. Spending the next 2 and a half years chronically lonely and happy and potentially ending up with mental health issues that he can't shift because of it, is likely to have much more long term impact than getting slightly lower academic grades because he doesn't get as much teaching or pushing in the state school. If he gets depressed and becomes school phobic and is at home having not done GCSEs when he should be going in sixth form or even off to uni or further ed, that will slow him down more than not have quite achieved the top grade he could because he wasn't pushed quite as hard.

Original poster
BingoingMadMa · 07/12/2025 12:52

@dozer 36, there’s about that in each class in state school. All apart from 6 do the sport. 4 of those are often not in due to parents travel.

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