Really struggling with my toddler

[HoneyParsnipSoup]

DS is 2.5, his older sister is 6. I love him to bits and he’s really a very sweet little boy but the terrible 2s have hit and I’m really really struggling.

He doesn’t want to do ANYTHING in a way that is relaxing or manageable for me. Every activity is fraught with stress, he never ‘plays’ he just runs around the house destroying things and being a danger to himself by for example trying to run down the stairs. I have to relentlessly tailgate him and intercept to a degree the hyper awareness is making me feel ill, my heart is constantly racing and it must skip beats at least 10 times as a day as we have a ‘near miss’.

Even our very patient dog who is used to toddler nonsense as we got her before our eldest was born, is getting fed up of constantly being grabbed and pulled.

I just took them to a Christmas fair a 5 minute walk away. As usual he didn’t want to get in the buggy, thrashing and screaming. So I let him walk but he spent the entire journey screaming to be picked up, throwing himself to the ground in the rain including when crossing the road. This happens all the time and it’s just so stressful. I’m very slight, he’s quite tall and heavy and carrying him everywhere just isn’t an option.

On the way home he ran and tried to jump into a very deep puddle on the roadside despite wearing his trainers. I told him not to jump as he hates getting wet feet and I know this would cause yet another tantrum/refusal to walk. He ignored me and jumped into another, soaking his feet. I lost my patience, grabbed his arm yanked him out of it, causing him (and me) to burst into tears.

He makes me feel like such a shitty mother but I’m constantly on edge and I feel like I’m burning out. Right now we are sat in the lounge and despite setting up a small table with stickers and crayons, a toy chest and offering to read him a story etc, he’s running up and down the hallway slamming the door and trying to turn on the downstairs toilet taps (he leaves them running all the time).

His older sister was a typical toddler but nothing like this. It’s draining me. To pre empt some questions he has excellent speech and often communicates his wants and needs, he sleeps very well (every cloud) and goes to nursery 2 days a week where they have no real concerns but they’ve noted he doesn’t listen sometimes.

Is anyone else going through this? I suspect there’s not much to be done but ride it out but it’s good to vent.

Firstly, you’re not a shitty mother!

You have a six year old, so you know how to parent.

You have a boisterous toddler, and that’s bloody hard work.

The only suggestion I have, is to lower you expectations and try to wear him out.

Trampoline in the garden. Cycle/scooter to the park. Get out as much as you can. Walks/runs around the park or woods. Even if it means driving there to keep him safe.

This time will pass. Before you know it, he’ll be at school full time.

Thank you. Sincerely, we are doing those things - he is outside a minimum of 3 hours a day, we do a LOT of park/farm/garden/outdoor activities, but he literally has the engine of a jumbo jet and NEVER tires. With DD, a few hours running around outside in the cold would see her want to sit on the sofa for half an hour. DS just keeps going, it makes no difference. It’s like his battery just doesn’t run down, at all.

I’ve spent months and months now dragging myself from one ‘safe, energy expending’ activity to another which usually means standing in the rain and cold while running over every 30 seconds as he launches himself off something or falls into somebody.

I’m fucking exhausted and just want him to be like one of these mythical children who ‘bake and watch films’. The idea of him sitting through a film is ludicrous. I’m also disabled so feeling so wrung out and depleted.

Sounds like he's got too much energy. Take him out first thing when possible. Wellies and waterproofs so the puddles and thrashing don't matter. Agree trampoline might help.

If you wear them out a bit, they're much more likely to do what they're asked.

Fil used to take kids out and challenge them to run to a tree and back, round a field etc so they get worn out but you don't!

Do you impose a consequence for taps and slamming etc? Mine would have missed a TV slot for that. You're not a shit mother, you just need to accept he's not a rerun of your firstborn and you might need some different strategies.

He’s 2.5, he has some understanding but will
forget a consequence within an hour and do the same thing again after promising not to.

The only time he plays nicely is when my oldest wants to play a game with him, but at 6 she mainly wants to do things he can’t (ie loom bands) so this isn’t too often.

He’s just a complete liability wherever I take him, I’m always that mother wrestling a screaming child into a buggy or carrying a thrashing child and it’s embarrassing. I’m worried people are watching and judging, either that he’s ’out of control’ or that I’m being too physical when I have no choice as often he’s trying to do something unsafe.

Wearing him out is just an impossible task.

It's really hard.

I think the first thing to do is get the dog a safe space away from him.

Can he be in nursery more often? I would maximise his nursery hours as much as you can afford to. Your health and mental wellbeing are important. Do what you can to afford more nursery time for him.

Outside of that I would try a really strict routine, including lots of exercise and time outside, but with a set period of downtime too. I would use clear instructions and clear consequences for not listening. Be firm and consistent with boundaries.

Ultimately though it's just really hard to parent kids like this. I would say it's possible that there is a diagnosis of some kind in his future.

I’m not too worried about the future, he’s not delayed in any way and is sweet and friendly with other kids. It’s just his energy levels seem off the charts. When he’s older he can do what he wants in terms of sports and physical activity so will be fine. Right now it’s just tough dealing with it in toddler form. I’ve booked another day at nursery starting in the new year because 3 long days home alone together is just too much for me right now.

Do you have high energy activities that he can do inside? Play sofa that he can jump around on, gymnastics mat, mini trampoline? I have two manic boys and they both needed ways to be safe and active in the house as it wasn't possible to be at the park for 10 hours a day (although now they're older, we're not far off some days!).

Have you tried any therapeutic play? Basically if you Google 'Occupational Therapy high energy child' or similar, you will find loads of ideas of games and activities that will meet his physical needs but that you can direct to match your energy levels and ensure your house isn't trashed.

Thanks I’ll have a look into it. It’s just difficult as like I said, he doesn’t tire. It’s relentless and my entire day is spent wrangling, lifting, carrying, running, pulling, or standing outside.

I’m just exhausted and feel like I have a shitload of cortisol running through my system constantly.

What’s his diet like?

Until about 2 months ago, very good. I cook everything from scratch, snacks are always fruit/yoghurt/bread sticks, plenty of the good stuff like oily fish, greens, sweet potato etc.

Overnight he just stopped eating his meals and started messing around, and now just begs relentlessly for snacks.

That sounds really hard.

One small idea is whether your house is fully child proofed. You could put a gate on the stairs, something on the bathroom door so he can’t go in by himself, etc. That way you can let him run around the house with less oversight and fewer interventions from you.

He can easily scale stair gates sadly. Sorry I appreciate this is turning into one of those annoying threads where there’s always a reason why I can’t do something, but I guess this is why I’ve been pushed so far!

I don’t have any other suggestions than what others have posted but wanted to say, I feel you completely. I had that boy and oh gosh it
was so so difficult, play dates was painful as friends and their children would happily sit with a picnic meanwhile I’d be chasing a toddler across a field. Mine also never tired so went to bed at 10pm most nights.

it’s mentally and physically exhausting, doesn’t last forever but that really doesn’t help.

I could spend a day at the park, on scooter, swimming, softplay and he would just ask what’s next? He could do nursery 8-6pm and I’d take him on a field dog walk straight after nursery meanwhile friends are fighting their kids to stay awake on the 4 minute drive home!

I think unless you’ve been there you truly don’t get it.

I just want to preempt this by saying I am not suggesting any diagnosis at all, he sounds like a high energy toddler, I’m but I have an autistic son who is very hyperactive, so have experienced this exhaustion! He sounds very sensory seeking, wanting constant movement so some sensory equipment like the spinning seats, textured rubber mats for the floor, weighted blankets, weighted soft toys to throw and carry, giant bean bags to jump on, sensory lights, a water tray outside or the Zimpli kids sensory bath stuff have all helped my little boy, it’s not always just about energy it’s sensory experiences he might be crazing (again, not suggesting autism, lots of kids love this kind of play) xx

I've had 2 children and both were exactly like this from 18 months- 3ish. In all honestly I just thought this was completely normal toddler behavior until i saw other kids and realised some have it much easier.
Neither of mine went in a buggy once they could walk. I did carry tbem everywhere if they didnt want to walk.
All I can say is that it will get better and also, 2.5s aren't really capable of actually listening (this a fact before everyone jumps on me) so give him a bit of slack with that.
Wellies only when going out if its been raining.

It used to wind me up no end when people would say 'they just need to burn energy, take them outside as if I didn't go outside with them most of the day already.
Both were just full of energy morning to night no matter what I tried.
Eldest is 5 now and is yet to sit through a film but she's definitely calmed a bit.

Look I knew this would be suggested when I wrote the thread but he is not autistic. Socially, personality wise, he is a carbon copy of his NT older sister - he has no sensory issues, he’s very sociable and chatty and has lots of little friends, he sleeps 10/11 hours a night and he has no particular obsessions or aversions. He’s NT but with very high energy levels. If I tried to get him to lie down with a weighted blanket he would hate it - he wants to run, jump, throw. I think it’s likely he will just end up an Iron Man Triathlon nut like his dad who apparently was quite similar and does all the above on 6 hours sleep which is plenty for him.

I agree it really isn’t a case of ‘well just more exercise will surely tire him and he will calm’.

He really is sweet and lovely, he isn’t aggressive, if he drops a toy on your foot or bumps into you by accident he will say sorry unprompted. He just isn’t a sitting and watching films or baking kind of child, which all the other kids on here seem to be!

I think it’s a case of powering through and just finding ideas of how he can exert his energy in a safe way which preferably doesn’t cost a fortune or leave me exposed to the elements for 12+ hours at a time.

He’s only really happy outside, I took him to a local wildlife sanctuary this afternoon which has parks and big patches of grass and he just ran around leaping on and off things like a Parkour Olympian.

@Clairey7777 sorry I just reread my post and it sounded a bit irritable - didn’t mean it to!

Can you put him in nursery/preschool for a few hours as week to give yourself a break?

I second what @NuffSaidSamwrote. Minimum choices, I would strap onto Pushchair ignoring protests. For walking I had reins. Keep consistent with ignoring or distracting from tantrums. Winter is hard.
What really helped me was believing in my authority as his mother - I know better than him what be needs. And also praising myself for doing a good job. Sometimes ear plugs. A tantrum can’t help him and your will is stronger than him.
For the pushchair protests - wait for the intake of breath before a scream and then push firmly and quickly in the chest are and then strap in quick.
It will pass. But be firm and consistent and it eventually helps. We had a little trampoline in the lounge. That helped bounce off some excess energy

Hire an energetic teenager to take him to the park for five hours?

I said a couple of times in my post that I wasn’t suggesting ND at all, only drawing on my experience of a hyperactive child. Things that an OT would suggest. Good luck anyway.

The thought of this brings me out in a cold sweat 🤣😂 firstly he’s a bolter, I simply don’t trust somebody that hasn’t had toddlers themselves to realise how fast they can go and how long it can take you to catch up with them. Secondly every time I’ve left him with family he’s had an accident, so I no longer leave him with anyone else, let alone a teenager!

The best bit of advice I got was, treat wild boys like dogs. Plenty of exercise and fed and they are happy. I spent a solid year mainly outside with my then newborn in tow just because it was safer and easier any time at home was stressful