Really struggling with my toddler

[HoneyParsnipSoup]

DS is 2.5, his older sister is 6. I love him to bits and he’s really a very sweet little boy but the terrible 2s have hit and I’m really really struggling.

He doesn’t want to do ANYTHING in a way that is relaxing or manageable for me. Every activity is fraught with stress, he never ‘plays’ he just runs around the house destroying things and being a danger to himself by for example trying to run down the stairs. I have to relentlessly tailgate him and intercept to a degree the hyper awareness is making me feel ill, my heart is constantly racing and it must skip beats at least 10 times as a day as we have a ‘near miss’.

Even our very patient dog who is used to toddler nonsense as we got her before our eldest was born, is getting fed up of constantly being grabbed and pulled.

I just took them to a Christmas fair a 5 minute walk away. As usual he didn’t want to get in the buggy, thrashing and screaming. So I let him walk but he spent the entire journey screaming to be picked up, throwing himself to the ground in the rain including when crossing the road. This happens all the time and it’s just so stressful. I’m very slight, he’s quite tall and heavy and carrying him everywhere just isn’t an option.

On the way home he ran and tried to jump into a very deep puddle on the roadside despite wearing his trainers. I told him not to jump as he hates getting wet feet and I know this would cause yet another tantrum/refusal to walk. He ignored me and jumped into another, soaking his feet. I lost my patience, grabbed his arm yanked him out of it, causing him (and me) to burst into tears.

He makes me feel like such a shitty mother but I’m constantly on edge and I feel like I’m burning out. Right now we are sat in the lounge and despite setting up a small table with stickers and crayons, a toy chest and offering to read him a story etc, he’s running up and down the hallway slamming the door and trying to turn on the downstairs toilet taps (he leaves them running all the time).

His older sister was a typical toddler but nothing like this. It’s draining me. To pre empt some questions he has excellent speech and often communicates his wants and needs, he sleeps very well (every cloud) and goes to nursery 2 days a week where they have no real concerns but they’ve noted he doesn’t listen sometimes.

Is anyone else going through this? I suspect there’s not much to be done but ride it out but it’s good to vent.

Thank you, I’ve thought of buying a small trampoline for the garden. My only worry is that most of it is concreted and certain he will fly off it at some point.

Yes I do have reins, the only issue is he often wants to run (I can’t do this, not far anyway) and when I won’t go fast enough he screams
and throws himself down. I then look like I’m dragging him along as I try to get going. I worry myself sick over the locals thinking I’m ‘manhandling’ him when they see this stuff, because it must look like I spend my time dragging him about and wrestling him into the buggy etc.

A big YES to headphones. Another thing I’m probably judged on but buggy walks (when he’s distracted with a snack) with my headphones in keep me sane.

This feels familiar, I used to dream of TV and baking. I used to really, really want to spend some time sitting down!

He is now 5 and will do both, so hopefully you'll get there soon enough.

As others have said keep the exercise up. Swimming in particular I found helped. Balance bikes also excellent (there were some 'oh no!' moments).

How is your other half, can he be roped in to run around the park with him a few times a week to give you a break?

And chin up. You're not a shitty mum you sound an excellent one. Sometimes the tantrum needs to be contained, if people judge fuck them, they've clearly no idea.

@HoneyParsnipSoup we are the same person. My 2.5 DS is exactly the same. Doesn't eat real food anymore, constantly tantruming, it's fucking awful. I have no advice (in fact I'm desperately wanting some myself), but I can offer solidarity 💐

The part of your post about heart skipping a beat and feeling hyper aware all the time is so familiar to me. My DD had me in this state (and the a&e room countless times). Shes also not autistic etc etc but I do think i recognise sensory seeking behaviourvin her. Its like shes not happy unless shes smacking into something. Like she doesn't know where her edges are. Even now shes 7 if shes excited she jumps and slams her feet into the floor over and over so hard. I wish id explored some of the sensory seeking hammocks and things a bit more although I doubt anything other than time really helps. She did calm a lot once she got to school age. My DS is the complete opposite

DH works long hours and is currently working 1 day at the weekends as well because I’m on unpaid leave (back to work PT in the new year). On the days he doesn’t work he takes them for the day while I do the housework takes etc - so at least my mind can rest from the vigilance.

I’m just mentally drained. I’ve now had a baby or toddler for 6 years and while DD isn’t anywhere near the level DS is, she was ‘clumsy’ and still at 6 can’t walk safely along a pavement without me saying ‘watch that bin! Watch that person!’. The mental pressure of micromanaging DS along with DD, who as above needs a lot of narration to complete basic things safely, coupled with constant whining and heavy questioning over anything we do, honestly feels like it’s wearing my brain out. My brain is in such meltdown I’ve developed a stutter over the last 6 months where I can barely get my words out at times as it feels under constant assault.

It just feels like the ‘heavy input’ stage with both of them is going on far far longer than I expected. I thought at 6 my oldest would ‘go off and play’ when she got home from school, not follow me around the house and fight with her brother constantly while needing encouragement to do anything. We’ve been potty training DS and he’ll have a great day and do everything in the potty, then the next it’s like he’s forgotten all of it.

We have no family help and nobody to babysit, I’m ‘on’ 24/7 and just feel at my wits end.

It’s awful isn’t it? While DS falls asleep fairly early he’s always up between 5 and 6am (regardless of the time he dropped off), and then we have a looooooong 3 hours until school drop off. It always involved refusing breakfast, then screaming to have breakfast, then asking for something in particular, then saying he doesn’t like it, then dropping the food on the floor, then me taking it away, then crying to have it back… on and on, usually then followed by hours of fighting with his sister, trying to get to the dog, trying to get to the stairs so he can run down them…

It’s bloody exhausting. He was such a happy, laid back boy until 3 months ago.

Oh this sounds exhausting. I don't know if I have good advice but will try. I do have solidarity. I have felt similar.

Will you have some more breathing space soon? School and longer nursery hours. Even working is something different. Until then, survival.

It also sounds like you need to find a way to bring the stress levels down. What do you think will help you? A walk alone, yoga class, coffee with friend?

Maybe also planning some nice family things to do together, in the morning when you're not tired from a long day. Your boy sounds lovely, so something that will bring back the good vibes and the fun side of parenting?

Typical toddler behaviour i have 6 boys its been a ride i can tell you , brace yourself for the threenagers terrible twos are a doddle in comparison and then the teenage years HAHAHAHAHA ( wine and gin helps , lots of both )
You are not a shitty mother they dont come with manuals and we all learn as we go no 2 kids are the same so if you have 2 or 20 you can guarantee you still dont have a fucking clue what's going on or what you're supposed to be doing .

We fitted hooks high up on doors we didn’t want our toddlers to open, which worked very well.they only cost about £1.99 each and are easy to fit. It might solve your taps running problem.

Mine is similar but only 19m so take my advice with a pinch of salt, but I just try to ‘run’ her (she doesn’t tire but at least she’s not trashing my house whilst we’re out) and pick my battles. Also I prep for as much as possible
so like your ds she won’t go in the pram, so I put a puddle suit and wellies on, then when she inevitably goes in the puddles it’s fine. I basically try to preempt all the problems I might have and pre decide which were going to argue about and what I’ll let go or what I can reduce the issue of, and unless it’s dangerous then she pretty muchhas free range. not sure how healthy that is but that’s what works best for us.
we also do lots of busy work and chores, so I put her to work loading the washing machine, she ‘helps’ cook dinner (getting to use a knife is a big draw for her to stay semi still!) I’m always getting her to carry ‘heavy’ things around for me, unload the shopping etc. just anything to keep her busy tbh. I even give her the heavy hoover and she ‘hoovers’ for me.

I appreciate non of this may help if he isn’t interested in that stuff but maybe there’s something similar he would like to do?. Also do you know you can get extra tall stair gates? Might help you limit the places he can run around at least. I sit in the hall with a podcast on and I can see all the places that she has access too, without having to follow her around. There’s a lot of jumping up still to rescue her but it’s not quite as bad.

You've said your son is sweet, lovely and great with his friends. Those things don't just happen by magic, sounds like you're a wonderful mum.
Highly recommend a trampoline with a net around it to allow him to get moving in a safe space and allow you to just sit and watch for a bit instead of chasing after him.
When my toddler started to resist the pushchair, we got one of those trikes with a parent handle to push them along, might be worth looking into, especially if you can get one second hand.
You really are doing an amazing job!

Thanks for sharing this as you have basically described my nearly 3 year old!
With him everything is a battle!
I do notice that he is worse however when hungry/tired sooo plenty of snacks regularly, and sleep. Does yours still nap in the afternoon, and what time is bedtime? You report that he sleeps well but wakes early - early waking can be associated with over-tiredness so a nap/earlier wake up could change things.

Sounds like my 5 yo at that age. She’s possibly got ADHD, we’re waiting for an assessment. She had glue ear at 2.5 and I think this made her behaviour worse because she was in discomfort with it so might be worth getting his ears checked. Some things that help if you think he needs sensory stimulation:

a toddler trampoline
a small bouncy castle if you have the space
a bean bag

otherwise, it sounds like you’re doing the right things by being outside as much as possible with him. Mine also is very destructive and destroys the house if we stay at home too long. One thing she loves is soft toys. She will make a huge pile
of them and jump into them. It’s a sensory thing I reckon. Ok to let him do stuff like that but if he’s like mine he will try to drag cushions and blankets from downstairs to upstairs and create a huge mess. Nip that in the bud early if you can as it’s so much work to clean up! You can get magnesium and omega 3 gummies for children that are supposed to help calm them down. My sister swears by them for her four year old, I haven’t tried them myself

My eldest was like this at 2.5, he is under assessment for adhd now aged 10. I’m not saying your son is ND but maybe read up on adhd…you mentioning him wanting to walk but then screaming to be picked up, or screaming when in the buggy, particularly stood out as in those cases he’s not showing an overload of energy, he is showing emotional dysregulation very typical with adhd.

my daughter nothing like this. Of course has her moment but not a complete drain / struggle every day. When pregnant with her my doctor was concerned about high blood pressure. I thought it was wierd because I have never had high blood pressure in my life, even when pregnant with my son. Then one day I went for my prenatal check up on my own without my 2 year old son in tow and she was surprised as my blood pressure was normal. Significantly lower than previous check ups. I had changed nothing just didn’t have my son with me stressing me the F out 🤣

Why on Earth would it be relaxing for you?!?!

He's a toddler.

Children have short attention spans. I think you could try getting him to read more fictional books. Reading is good for improving attention spans.

Op it will pass! I could have written this myself 13 years ago. You just need to ride it out.

Just to say thank you for posting this! I thought it was just me who was thinking this is so hard!

Mine either wants to be held all the time or crashes into things/ climbs furniture so I have to immediately leave what I am doing to attend to them. I am a single parent and just can't get anything done AT ALL I have to meal prep in the middle of the night. In fact I do many jobs in the middle of the night (including catching up on my paid job). So limited sleep at night and exhaustion/ vigilance in the day. My brain is fried.

He used to sit and look at books or play quietly for half an hour with his toys but no more, so I definitely think it is a developmental thing. He wants to move all the time now but always wants me to join him. I'm just so tired.

I try to go out all day because going out is often easier for us than being at home and although it doesn't seem to tire him out, we are both happier as he is interested in everything outside.We do soft play a lot and I often have snacks as bribes for shopping centres.

I can't offer real advice as I have none but just wanted to say you are not alone!

Maybe you need to relax a bit and let your children hurt themselves within reason and be more independent. There’s a book called free range kids that explains this. You likely won’t have time to read it though!

Haven't rtft so this has probably already been said. My DS was exactly as you describe, he would lie in the road screaming if I tried to hold his hand, when on one. By 4 diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. Now 17 and lovely, but those early years were so hard!

Not saying your boy is on the spectrum, might just be terrible twos, but things I found helped were:
1/ sometimes we gave in to avoid meltdowns. Eg if he wanted to get in the car before his sister. Choose your battles.
2/ he wouldn't hold hands so he wore a harness with a sticky up handle, which i hovered my hand over and could grab if needed.
3/ he didn't cope well with orders. So I framed everything as 'we always put our coats on before going out, don't we?'
4/ I had to keep very calm when he kicked off. Getting annoyed just escalated things

It might be a boy thing too. His sister is a twin but i would just leave her on the pavement if DS ran off and tell her to stay, and she would. How I'd have coped with two DSs I dont know...🤔

Good luck. This too shall pass....

He can’t read, he’s 2.

My DS was like this and kind of still is although it’s a lot easier now he’s five.

Whenever I posted about him the comments were the same, wear him out, he’s like a dog, never be inside, ever … thing is that doesn’t really touch the surface on what that’s like for you and how draining it is and how resentful it can make you.

DS is definitely easier in the summer, even now.

He is a lovely boy really but as a toddler did seem wild. Just endless energy. However I do love his enthusiasm for life and he always fully immerses himself into everything. I’m sure you’ll get there too OP.

Whenever I posted about him the comments were the same, wear him out, he’s like a dog, never be inside, ever … thing is that doesn’t really touch the surface on what that’s like for you and how draining it is and how resentful it can make you

Yes!!!! I still have things to do - housework, appointments, I need to shower and eat and occasionally see another living soul at a play date - how is any of this possible if I’m supposed to be standing in a park 24/7 or risking all out destruction? Even writing this comment he’s running across the lounge and throwing himself onto my lap and climbing me. I don’t even recognise this Mumsnet profile of a child that ‘just potters around the house’ or ‘does crafts’. Both seem laughable.

Not to mention my oldest who, while she at least understands more complicated instructions and consequences, just moans and complains about everything I do and wouldn’t want to stand in a park all day anyway.

Comments about ‘enjoying them while they’re little’ just make me see red as I swear to god they’re never made by people whose kids are this age at the time.

I can relate.

Hopefully I can say this without anyone on this thread feeling like it’s aimed at them; it isn’t, it’s very general about MN, but I don’t find parenting threads massively helpful and don’t really post them now. They either assume the child has far more understanding and is way more mature than they are (‘explain to her how important safety is’) or they take this sort of hard line, you’re the boss view which just sets you up for unnecessary conflict and can become like a critical voice in your head.

I have just said on another thread I nearly had a nervous breakdown last year. I was working three days a week with a destructive three year old and a one year old non walker and it nearly broke me. DH is away more than he isn’t. It was always the same ‘the laundry can wait, go to the park.’ OK, and what’s my non walker meant to do for five hours at the park, sit on a swing? And sorry but no, I don’t want to raise my family in total chaos!

My DD is calmer; she will potter around and play independently without making an enormous mess and likes a bit of crafts and colouring. She is more prone to whingeiness than ds was though, so I guess it’s swings and roundabouts.

This time of year is definitely tough going with toddlers, I don’t care what MN claim. I know apparently we’ll be looking back with misty eyes but I doubt it somehow!

@rainyrainywinter you’re spot on. My DH isn’t away but works long hours and either a Saturday or Sunday. The days are very very long and filling 12+ hours with a toddler like this, is almost impossible, particularly when our weather has been horizontal rain for over a week.

I try so hard to keep our days ticking over, but nothing I do seems to get this household in a state of harmony and unfortunately I have become quite shouty and irritable as I feel like I just can’t cut through the noise and chaos with ‘stern but calm’ words, or ‘modelling the behaviour I want’.

DS currently having a tantrum as the dog has gone for a haircut and he misses her (she’s probably feeling like she’s on a 5* holiday 😂)